


Ten times

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, OCD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-07 12:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 43,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/748581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson knew exactly how many people were in the same room as him when he met Harry Styles: seventeen. He knew that because he is the type of guy that notice every little details that no one ever cares about. Louis has an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (also known as OCD for short). But his attention was only toward these insignificant things because let’s be real he was a prick and didn’t give a fuck about anyone else but himself, until he saw Harry Styles for the tenth time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it looks like I decided to do an ao3 account after all. Please take note I'm writing this fic because I enjoy it. I know it's far from perfect and my english skills need an improvement.  
> Oh, and I have a tendency of writing a lot of smut  
> and I'm a french-canadian with no idea of how English people really speak.
> 
> Find it to my tumblr: http://freedomforlourry.tumblr.com/tentimes
> 
> Updates note as I just finished this fic: I will be glad for any people that read this even if I'm still learning how to write. It was an epic journey and I will missed all the characters I created. I'm now on something new, hopefully more light and joyful.

Louis Tomlinson met Harry Styles a Monday. He remembered that because he loved Monday. He liked them because everyone hated them and Louis Tomlinson wasn’t like everybody else. He laughed too loud when it was suppose to be silence, he told secrets he had promised to keep and he talked dirty in the most inappropriate places. If he didn’t like someone he would go straight to their face and tell them. He was that kind of boy that you hate yourself for liking them and Louis liked all the attention he could get from it. As far as he could remember he always wanted to be the center of everything. His parents were pretty busy raising a total of five children so he didn’t get that much attention as a kid. Since he was the oldest he was supposed to be the responsible one; he wasn’t. He sneaked out of his house in the middle of the night once a week. He barely managed to pass high school and without his ability for drama and acting he wouldn’t have gotten into University. Everybody knew who Louis Tomlinson was and liked him even if he was more of a jerk than anything else. So when he met Harry Styles that Monday he was quite chocked that he didn’t respond the way he was used to when he first met someone.

 

He was at that little café he used to hang out with his friends after Uni. Last year, they made this ‘’tradition’’ to come there after every Monday classes. They would take a whole corner for themselves and shoot loudly some old and pretty bad jokes. That day he was with his best mate Zayn and a couple of friends. Louis knew Zayn pretty much all his life. He was he’s only real friend, the only one he kept through the years and the only one he truly cared about. All the others were just some acquaintances he would tolerate to make his life a little bit more cheerful and to feel appreciated as much as he wanted to. He liked to be admire by others, to feel important, more important than them. That Monday, Louis was pretty excited, it was their first day back to school and the class had finished earlier. It was the first time they’ve seen each others all together since last year.

 

‘’Louis! Do you remember that girl from last semester? She is blonde and pretty fit?’’

‘’ Mate, I know a lot of pretty blonde girls’’ Louis replied loud enough for the coffee girl behind the counter to look at them, big eyes glowing at his sight. He winked at her and she blushed, of course.

‘’ Don’t be such a prat! You know whom I’m talking about right? What was her bloody name…’’ Zayn wondered. ‘’Edward! Perrie Edward!’’

‘’ Oh yeah, fit girl’’ he said as he saw a trio of boys entering the coffee shop.

‘’ Well I snogged her last night!’’

‘’ You what?!’’ his attention was coming back to his friend. He wasn’t the type of guy to just ‘’snog’’ a girl and don’t even remembered her name! It was more Louis’ type.

‘’ It was awesome, really!’’ all the others guys at their table cheered him, asking him for details, forcing the trio to look at them. It’s at this moment that Louis’ eyes met Harry’s for the first time. It was exactly 3:35 PM, he noticed because the clock was just above his mop of curly hair.

‘’Lou?! I said I should snog random girls more often! What are you looking at?!’’ Zayn asked, turning himself to see what was capturing Louis’ attention. At this moment, Harry was back talking with his friends. 

Zayn had that puzzled look on his face.

‘’Do you know these guys?’’ he asked.

‘’ No.’’ Louis quickly answered.

‘’ Why were you looking at them?’’

‘’ I wasn’t you idiot, I was looking at that new coffee girl!’’ he lied loudly.

‘’ Go ask her out, mate!’’ his friend Stan added. ‘’She seems pretty into you’’.

‘’ Of course, I will’’ he got up quickly and passed the curly boy who was chatting with his two friends waiting for their coffees.

‘’ Hey babe, could you make me another tea, strong, no sugar’’

‘’ Yes, I remember’’

‘’ Of course you do’’

She blushed, again.

He looked back to his table to give a thumb up to his friends but his gaze met for a second time the one of the curly haired boy. As he was closer, he could see how green his eyes were. He needed to know exactly which type of green they were. As he concentrated, he noticed how disgusted that boy seemed to be. 

‘’ What are you looking at?’’ Louis asked him roughly.

‘’ I just never met such a prick in my life, it’s kind of fascinating’’

His two friends laughed loudly. The blonde one was pretty irritating to hear. Louis looked at them pretentiously but didn’t have the time to reply since the girl was bringing back their orders.

‘’Thank you’’ the brown one said with a little smile before going straight to a table near the door.

‘’Here’s your tea’’ she said shyly to him.

‘’ Thanks’ babe, what’s your name, by the way?’’

‘’ Eleanor, but you can call me El’’

‘’ Well I’m pretty sure I’ll see you soon, love’’

 

When he went back to his table, his friends asked him about the girl. He answered vaguely his eyes wandering around the place, going way too frequently at the curly haired table. Who was he to talk to him that way? He didn’t even know the guy, neither of his two friends. They must be newbies at their first year of Uni and Louis knew he had a reputation; a lot of people knew him even though he didn’t knew them. He hadn’t time for boring people. But that guy wasn’t like other boys he knew from Uni. He was wearing that shirt with a band he had no idea about on it; he had a lot of tattoos but didn’t look like the type of guys that should wear them. He talked with indifference but will suddenly burst into laughter revealing pretty huge dimples. He must have stared a little bit too long trying to understand the physic behind his hair because a pair of green eyes was now looking at him. All he wanted to do is a sassy face his friends always raved about, but all he was able to was a little smile, feeling a bit ashamed for his previous behaviour.

‘’ What the fuck, I’m never sorry for anything’’ he said to himself although he was waiting for an answer from the other boy. It never happened.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis was at the library two weeks after, mumbling to himself about how stupid his English teacher was for giving them an essay the second week into the semester. He was going lazily through some books, checking his phone every two minutes. He had giving his number to that coffee girl, Eleanor, yesterday and he was waiting for her to text him. He wasn’t that much into her, but his friends were so impressed by the girl he thought it will be funny to score her. At that precise moment, anything that would distract him from his study would be welcomed. His phone quickly flashed and he sighed.

‘’Finally’’

_It’s me Eleanor, text me back, x._

**Hey love, what are you doing?**

_I’m at work, it’s pretty boring, you should come hang out._

Louis considered the proposition but he really wasn’t that much into the girl. Plus, if his friends weren’t there to see him flirt, what would be the point?

**I can’t, homework. But you should come to this party I’m going to this week-end, I’ll text you the address.**

_Sure, x._

So he would bang her at that party, all his friends would be jealous and envious, and that would be it. Sure, things will most likely be awkward when they would hang out at that café after, but really he didn’t give a fuck, never did and certainly never will.

He got up to go pick new books because the ones he had weren’t exactly right for the type of essay he had to write. What love means to you? That was the subject. When Louis had received it, he let out a loud an ‘’are you fucking kidding me?’’ and the teacher had reply ‘’I’m fucking not’’ and asked Louis to finish it a week earlier than the others. It was a pretty rough subject for him since Louis had never been in love, well he had sex with a lot of girls, had crushes, but never been in love, at least he didn’t think he had. As he was walking through a random row waiting for his mind to find an answer to that question, he heard some whispers. He quietly removed a book to see who was there, ‘’The fault in our stars’’ by John Green he noted, his sister Lottie always rambled about that book back home. He closely moved forward and checked through the books. There was a couple who were kissing. He was about to put back the book when the couple moved around and he saw that the other person he though was a girl, wasn’t one. It was a guy, but not any guy, it was that boy from the coffee shop, with the fluffy hair. He was kissing a very tall dark haired boy. Louis felt like a creep to watch them make out but he was intrigued. He never thought ‘’green eyes’’ was gay. The neck of his shirt was pretty low, revealing two inked swallow birds separated by a loose necklace. Louis bit his lips without thinking. He let out a gasp which made those big green eyes flew open. Louis dropped way too loudly the book he was holding.

‘’Nick, someone’s watching us’’

‘’ I don’t care, Harry’’

‘’ But I do care’’ he quickly pushed the taller boy away and made his way where Louis was. The Tomlinson boy left quickly, grapping messily his backpack from his table, praying for that Harry boy to not have recognized him.

**

It has been almost a week since Louis had caught Harry making out and since then he had fucked three different girls. He had found the most girly girls he knew and fucked them endlessly until he was empty from any desire. What he felt that day, he never felt before and that scared the shit out of him. But after fucking those pretty girls, he felt a little bit better and a lot less horny. He told and repeated to himself that it was because he hadn’t had a shag in weeks he had felt that way. It’s not that we was afraid of being gay, because he knew he wasn’t, it was the surprise of the situation; they were snogging in the library, that was the situation that turned him on. He quickly chased from his mind that time were he wanked urgently in the toilet over that guy in his gym class in eleventh grade and that time were he was hard after watching Zayn undressing in his room. That was nothing, because he wasn’t gay. He liked girl, with boobs, he liked theirs curves and they way they moaned his name like he was the only one that ever made them come. He liked the way they smelled, and that was exactly what he was telling himself when he was kissing Eleanor at that party he was supposed to go. It was in front of everyone to see and all his gestures were screaming ‘’I’m not gay’’. He roughly grabbed her boob, squishing it.

‘’ Not here, let’s go to somewhere more private’’ she said.

‘’ Yeah, I’ll come find you, I need a drink before’’ he responded drunkenly.

‘’I’ll text you’’

‘’ Yeah, do that’’

He went to that improvising bar and poured himself two shots he quickly swallowed.

‘’ Hey mate! It’s the night for you and that coffee girl?’’ Stan blurred at him. Louis knew how jealous he was of him.

‘’ Yeah, it will be such a great fuck, I must go though’’

‘’ Yeah good luck!’’ his friend cheered him.

‘’ How loser is he?’’ he thought to himself while walking to somewhere more calm to be able to text Eleanor.

‘’ Oh Harry’’ a loud moan floating from a room near him.

‘’ You like it, do you?’’

Louis would recognize that voice in thousand, low, raspy, so masculine. It was him. His drunken mind made his body walk slowly to the door where he heard more and more loud moans. The door was slightly open so he peered. He saw Harry, kneeing in front of that tall lad from the library. He was shirtless and Louis could see his back muscles moving along his head.

‘’ I’ll fuck you so hard, babe, you’ll cry’’ that Nick guy was saying.

‘’ I’ll trusted back every time’’ Harry groaned before Louis heard nothing but sloppy kisses and brushed skins slapping together as they disappeared from his sight. He was pretty sure he was going to come undone when he heard that annoying, way too girlish voice.

‘’ There you are babe’’ Eleanor whispers into his ear.

‘’ Come here… he grabbed her wrist roughly and dragged her to a near empty bedroom.

He quickly undressed her, violently, kissing her, his eyes shut firmly. He tried to feel her long hair, her small breast and sweet scent. But while he was slapping into her all he was thinking about was a mess of curly hair, and a low voice moaning his name. He trusted twenty-three times (yes, he counted) before he came loudly in her. He opened his eyes and his wasted mind made him feel sleepy instantly. All he could think when she wrapped her tiny arm around his toned body was that she wasn’t what he wanted.


	3. Chapter 3

The next time Louis saw Harry Styles was pretty different from his previous experiences. He was going for a quick run outside before his first morning class. He doubled his sport intake to punish himself for his behaviour the Saturday before. He felt so disgusted by himself, at least when he was running he didn’t had to think. The wind was cool on his skin and it felt almost too good that morning. He had notice four dogs and ten fit girls before he saw Harry. He was stretching, his long torso moving flawlessly. Louis felt the need to be notice by him, he didn’t know why but he hadn’t coped with the fact that someone wasn’t interested in him.

‘’What the fuck Tomlinson! What is wrong with you?’’ he thought accelerating his pace to avoid thinking. Right as he run past him, he tripped violently on a rock and flew way too far for a normal human being before landing roughly on his stomach. He growled, every part of his body was now aching but nothing was worse than the shame he felt.

‘’Are you okay? That was a pretty hard fall’’ he heard that way too well known voice.

‘’ I’m fine’’ he said trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

He was still on his stomach afraid to move, afraid to see that face he thought about in the back of his mind everyday since Saturday. He felt a hard pressure on his shoulder and Harry managed to help him getting up and guided him to a bench near them.

‘’ I’m Harry’’ he heard him said. He still hadn’t looked at him.

‘’ I’m Louis’’ he replied to the ground.

‘’ Are you hurt or something?’’ Harry put a hand on his face and lifted it to be sure he wasn’t bleeding. As soon as theirs gazes met Louis felt something was wrong. Harry quickly removed his hand and placed it in his hair, ruffling them. Louis held his breath during nine seconds before being able to proceed normally again.

‘’ I recognize you’’ the taller boy said.

‘’Of course you do’’ Louis thought to himself repressing a grin.

‘’ You were looking at me while I was making out in the library’’ he smirked. That bastard smirked!

‘’ What are you fucking talking about?’’ Louis replied defensively.

‘’ I know it was you, it’s your eyes’’

He recognized him by his eyes. All it took for that boy to recognized him was his eyes. Was it the color or the shape of it? The way they were darken by his desire (and by that he meant the desire create by the surprise of the situation) or the whole of them? Louis needed to know that. Louis must have looked strange and petrified because the low voice spoke again.

‘’ It’s okay though, I don’t really mind it, you were curious’’

‘’ I wasn’t! It was just a coincidence’’

Harry smiled softly.

‘’ If you say so’’

They stayed on that bench long enough for Louis to notice how big his hands were comparing to his. His gaze traveled up his arms; from one sight he counted eight tattoos.

‘’ They are pretty sick don’t you think?’’ Harry asked in a happy excitation.

‘’ They’re alright’’

‘’ I have thirty of them’’

‘’ THIRTY?!’’ Louis let out in scream making the other boy burst in laughter.

‘’ Yes, I’m kind of obsessed’’

‘’ I can see that’’ Louis said cockily.

‘’ Like you’ve never been obsessed with anything in your life before’’

Louis didn’t answer, his sassiness falling, remembering himself how weird it was for him to notice, count and remember all these insignificant things. He used to do that for as long as he could remember. At first it was to calm himself when he was afraid. He counted all the stars he could see from his window when he wouldn’t be able to sleep. When he was sad, he was counting how many seconds it took before he stopped crying. His mother was soon concerned by his habit and she took him to see a psychologist. He told her it was a way to cope with anxiety. But since then, he kept this secret for himself, making his mother think it was just a phase, which he was over it. Not even Zayn knew about it, he was so ashamed of it.

‘’ Have I said something wrong?’’

‘’ I’ve got to go’’ Louis snapped back into reality lifting himself quickly from the bench, pain coming back fiercely to his brain.

‘’ Wait, are you sure you’re alright?’’

‘’ Calm down mum, I’m fine’’

‘’ I’ll see you around?’’ the younger boy asked.

‘’ Of course you will’’ his sassiness was definitely back on track.

**

Louis was slowly beginning to accept the fact he was thinking about Harry way too often in a day. He came to this conclusion one night when he was alone in bed. His hand was slowly going down his stomach, rubbing it. He thought about that Hanna girl from his drama class. She was cute and had quite nice boobs. His hand went under the waist band of his boxer and he started palming softly his shaft. The more he was getting hard, the more his thoughts transformed the blond girl in a tall boy. A boy with full lips, so pink and so soft. He imagined them kissing his neck, his chest and with four quick tugs to his now fully erect penis, he came, hard, three pulses of sperm splashing on his hand and underwear.

At first he had tried to brush it off, to make himself think it didn’t meant anything, but since he wasn’t able to do it, he decided to talk to Zayn about it. His relationship with Zayn had always been a great one and he wasn’t afraid to be himself around him (at the exception of his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Zayn saw him cried more than once when his parents got divorced and he was always there with some hot chocolate, a big fluffy blanket and his favorite movie. Zayn always knew when his friend wasn’t in his ‘’normal state’’, he was losing the sparkles in his eyes and he had a tendency to look down more often. It was subtle, but since Zayn knew him that well, Louis wasn’t surprised when a couple of days after his last intercourse with the tattooed boy, his friend came to knock at his door before his date with Perrie (it took five ‘’snogs’’ for Zayn to admit he was more into her that he thought he was at first).

‘’ Mate, something is off with you recently, I feel it’’

Louis looked up from his computer screen.

‘’ Thank God he finally notice’’ Louis thought to himself, he wasn’t going to tell Zayn without him doing the first steps. It was the same thing for his dark haired friend. They waited for the other to notice for not bothering them.

‘’ You’re right, Malik’’

‘’ Of course I am, Tommo. So, tell me’’

It was so much harder than Louis thought it will be. He wouldn’t be able to.

‘’ I’ve met someone…’’

‘’ Eleanor?’’

Louis sighed loudly. Well it was going to be even harder than expected. He shook his head.

‘’ That girl from the drama club? The blond one’’

‘’ No, not her’’

‘’ Who?’’

‘’ It’s complicated’’

Louis saw a worried flash in the eyes of his friend as he took carefully his laptop from his hands, tossed it away and sat down next to him.

‘’Tell me Lou’’

‘’ I can’t, I hate myself so much, I tried to forget, but I can’t’’

A few seconds passed before Zayn broke finally the deadly silence.

‘’ Is it a boy?’’

Louis couldn’t help the tear to fall down from his eye. He hated himself so much for being so vulnerable, in less then a month that Harry guy had make him the opposite of what he always thought he was. The fact that he barely knew the boy was terrifying too. It was like he imagined how he would be, how he would react to certain situations. Louis made his mind thought Harry was like that perfect person. He nodded so slightly he wasn’t even sure his friend would have notice. But when he felt strong arms around his torso, pulling him into a tight hug, he let himself cry more.

‘’ It’s not that bad you know? I don’t mind if you like dudes’’

‘’ I don’t… like boys’’ Louis denied poorly in Zayn’s shoulder. ‘’ I don’t know what to do’’

‘’ Just feel’’

But Louis didn’t know how to let himself feel.


	4. Chapter 4

Coming free to Zayn was such a huge relief for Louis. It felt like Zayn was the only one person it really did matter to tell. But when Louis would make a dirty joke about a girl, Zayn will looked at him with a little concern in his smile, a friendly reminder that he knew everything and that he wasn’t approving Louis’ hiding. It was exactly what happened that Friday night when they were at that bar near the college campus. Every lads from the football team was celebrating their first victory of the season. Since Louis was the captain, he was required more than anyone else to be there. He habitually liked to show himself off in bars, but that night all he wanted to do was crawling in bed with crisps and watching reruns of ‘’24’’.

But he was there, his drink empty for way too long, trying to act like someone he wasn’t. He knew he was the same, but slowly he was accepting more and more the thought of liking men. That night, as he let his mind wondered he thought no man turn him on like that Harry boy had in such a short notice. He tried to convince himself that the odds had been in his favour a little bit too much and the chances he would see him again out of the blue were pretty thin. Well he wasn’t even sure he wanted to see him again since it made him go crazy he concluded as he went with Zayn to get new drinks.

‘’ What do you think of the barmaid right over there?’’ the younger boy asked to his friend.

Louis acknowledged the fact that the dude was pretty fit, with definite biceps and forearms, not his type though, but it’s when he saw his face he realized he was a friend of Harry. He remembered him from the first time he saw him, it was the brown one. He came towards them and Zayn ordered.

‘’ Are you okay Lou? You think he’s too sexy and you have a hard-on?’’ he let out in an obnoxious laugh.

If that guy was there, there was a chance Harry would be there too. His heartbeat was accelerating. He looked up behind the bar; 32 bottles of liquor were perfectly align protected by a glass shelf, 13 cans of red bulls, eight of coke, and two bottle of cranberry juice were stocked in a mini-fridge. Four people were working behind the bar, three guys and a girl. His heartbeat was still high and he thought he’d die right there when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He knew it was him even before turning around. Just by the way he remembered the first time he had placed his hand on that spot. Louis looked at Zayn with terror in his eyes, he didn’t want to turn and face Harry. He wasn’t able to.

‘’ What’s wrong?’’ he muttered.

Louis sighed and Zayn took his other shoulder forcing him to turn around. The shock was even worse than he had expected. He remembered Harry slightly, but seeing him there, in front of him, so, so real was overwhelming. He seemed taller, his smile wider and his eyes greener.

‘’ What were the odds?!’’ Harry yelled over the music.

‘’Supposedly very thin’’ Louis remembered.

‘’ Yeah…’’ was all he was able to produce.

The barmaid came back with the beers Zayn ordered and he gave one to Louis.

‘’ Hey Liam! Two vodka shots each!’’ Harry told his friend.

‘’ No…’’ Louis refused.

‘’ You need more drinks, you seem stiff’’.

Louis frowned but Harry laughed.

‘’ You’re very strange you know that?’’

Louis was so pissed with himself; people NEVER thought he was strange. They were admiring him, not mocking him.

‘’ I’m not you idiot!’’

‘’ Yes you are! Take that strange boy!’’ he offered the shots and Louis took them. It felt good; his tipsiness from his previous drinks was beginning to show. Zayn grabbed him by the arm and whispered in his ear ‘’Great choice mate’’ before going back to their friends. Louis blushed violently, well enough for Harry to notice.

‘’ Are you okay?’’

‘’ You said that sentence way too often in the short period of time we actually talk’’

And it was Harry’s turn to blush and Louis was now smiling widely. That was better. They talked for exactly three minutes and 47 seconds after that before Harry put his hand on Louis’ forearm. The Doncaster boy had a reflex and moved his arm away. It didn’t seem to bother Harry.

‘’ Do you smoke weed?’’ Harry asked suddenly.

‘’ Sometimes… You?’’

‘’ Sometimes, and sometimes like right now do you want to go smoke?’’

‘’YES’’ was all his head was screaming knowing the opportunity of some alone time with Harry.

‘’ I don’t know’’

‘’ I don’t want to force you or anything, Louis, it’s just that I need some air and it’s always fun you know?’’

Louis nodded and that’s how he followed Harry through the crowd and how they exited by the back door. They ended up in a small alley, poorly lighting. Harry climbed on an old staircase and patted the left space beside him.

‘’ Would be easier’’ he only said already prepping the drug.

He lighted the pipe and inhaled slowly, patiently, and the sight was almost too much for Louis as he joined him on his stair. Harry tossed the weed to him as he laid down a bit on the uncomfortable upper stairs. His long body was a bit incline and his shirt now too short in this position was revealing the end of his torso and the beginning of his V line.

‘’ What are you looking at?’’ Harry said loudly clearly as a mimic of the very first sentence Louis had ever said to him. The smaller boy lifted his shoulders and smoked quickly, choking a bit. He took a sip of his beer. Much better.

‘’ Don’t you think it’s weird how often we met randomly each other?’’ Harry wondered.

‘’ Yeah, it’s been five times in a bit more than a month’’ Louis let out before regretting it. At least he didn’t say how much days ‘’a bit more than a month’’ was because he obviously knew it.

‘’ Impossible’’ Harry said after reflexion. ‘’I can just remember four’’.

‘’ Fuck’’ Louis muttered, it was true that the blowjob time, Harry wasn’t conscious that Louis was there.

‘’ Well I saw you randomly at a party’’

‘’ And you didn’t come talk to me?!’’ Harry faked being hurt.

‘’ I was pretty busy’’

‘’ Well, sorry for being such a weigh on your life, what’s your last name by the way, I think it’s very important since we are officially drinking and smoking buddies. I don’t share weed with anybody you know, you should considered yourself lucky and now on you need to always talk to me when you see me because I’m more awesome than any business you had to do that night’’ Harry rambled clearly affected by the drugs he has smoked for now the sixth time. But how right he was, was the only think Louis could think about.

‘’ Tomlinson’’

‘’ Styles’’

And they shook hands exchanging some ‘’nice to meet you’’, ‘’your name sounds like a airplane pilot name’’ ‘’you should think to invest your future in an acting career’’. The drug was good, Louis felt all his anxiety leaving him. He never felt that good in a long time and he knew it wasn’t only the weed or all the shots intake of the night. It was because he was himself and he didn’t care about being superior or being better. He was at the same level as Harry and it felt good. When Zayn called him on his cellphone asking him if he was leaving with him, reality snapped back like the bitch she was.

‘’ I’ve got to go’’ he lifted himself up, dizzy head, concentring to go down the stairs.

‘’ Not so fast, Tomlinson!’’ Harry firmly grabbed his forearm, brutally sitting him back on the stair.

‘’ Add your number in mine. I’m too wasted to add mine in yours.’’

Louis laughed so hard it took him five minutes adding his number.

‘’ I’ll see you soon, Styles’’

‘’ Of course you will’’ he mocked again.

**

Louis hasn’t heard of Harry since he gave him his number. Not a call, not even a single text. Louis felt his heart shrank a little more every day thinking about the boy, his face now disappearing from his mind, he was beginning to forget the sound of his voice, the shape of his hair. But every time he would get a draft of weed all he could think about was this guy. Zayn had been the very best friend he was by comforting him with food, cheesy movies and good laughs. So after three weeks, Louis was definitely passing to something else, focusing on football and mid-terms.

As he entered the convenient store to grab some energy drinks for his long night of intensive studies, he heard an annoying laugh. He knew it, but wasn’t able to remembered which of his friends had it. It was coming from the beers’ section, he saw him through the glass window, that blond guy.

‘’ Please, please let him be with anyone else but Harry, I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to…’’ but his racing mind was stopped by a loud ‘’Shut up Niall’’ in that deep, smooth voice.

Louis grabbed his drinks and went to the cash register. He nervously tapped his foot on the ground, the cashier being way too slow at his own job. His breath began to harsh, his heart aching from the wait. He reached his cellphone.

‘’ Zayn, help…’’ but before he could finish his text, he felt it buzz loudly in his hands.

‘’ I see you’’ coming from an unknown number. Louis dropped his cans in shock; he was so ashamed he left the store, running, holding his tears from falling. He run so fast he lost his breath and had to stop. He put his head on a brick wall of an old building from the campus. He was breathing loudly, unable to calm himself.

‘’Louis?’’ a small whisper came to his ears.

‘’ No’’ he answered.

‘’ I want to ask you if you’re okay, but I think it will be too much’’

Louis smiled to the wall before turning back to face Harry. He let himself slick through the brick wall and sat on the ground. Harry sat right next beside him, too close for his liking.

‘’ What happened?’’ was Harry only question.

‘’ Why haven’t you text me back?’’ was Louis only one reply.

‘’ I thought I’ll be bothering you to be honest, I mean, I wasn’t really sure who you were so I asked people, and you’re not the kind of people that hang out with me’’

‘’ You don’t know me, nobody knows me’’

‘’ Tell me who you are then… My dorm is just two minutes away, it’s kind of freezing here…’’

Louis knew he should have denied the offer, but without adding anything he followed silently this Styles boy to his dorm room. As soon as they arrived, Louis noticed a few posters of some Indie bands hanging on the walls, a large bed undone and a lot of clothes thrown on the floor.

‘’ Sorry for the mess’’ Harry mumbled shyly before cleaning quickly, tossing clothes in his closet.

‘’ Calm down Harry, I don’t mind.’’ He wandered around his room, looking at different bands, going through Harry’s books.

‘’ Do you want a tea?’’

‘’ Sure’’

They talked while Harry made them tea. Louis found himself sitting on the undone bed, covers on his tights.

‘’ You’re not like everyone I know’’ Louis let out, regretting it.

‘’ Why?’’ Harry looked at him, what seemed like sparkles in his eyes.

‘’ I don’t know… You didn’t seemed to care about me the first time I saw you, and you didn’t care either last time, everybody on campus will die to have my number and be my friend but not you’’

‘’ I don’t get why I should be friend with someone I know nothing about. I’m friend with people I learn to like. And you’re not the person your reputation carries. I know it just by the fact that you were worrying by me not giving you any news.’’

Louis sighed, angry at himself for being so transparent when he was with him.

‘’ I don’t recognize myself when I talk to you’’ he let out low.

‘’ What?’’ Harry leaned closer to him to hear him better. His curls were ruffling his nose; they smelled apple shampoo and smoke. They were soft and Louis closed his eyes, humming slowly. It’s seemed like they stay like this for hours before Harry repeated.

‘’ What did you said? I didn’t heard you’’ he pulled back to lock his eyes in the blues of Louis.

‘’ Nothing’’ Louis muttered.

‘’ Louis, I won’t judge you’’

‘’ Everybody judges’’

‘’ I won’t’’

‘’ But I’m the first one to judge people’’

‘’ Doesn’t mean you’re not a nice lad’’

‘’ I don’t recognize myself when I talk to you’’ he finally repeated louder.

‘’ Is it a bad thing or a good thing?’’

‘’ I don’t know’’

‘’ I think it’s a good thing’’ Harry decided putting a hand on Louis tight. Louis jerked off quickly and fall off the bed.

‘’ I’m not like you!’’ he screamed, anger spreading though his face. He couldn’t be that close to him, it was scaring him too much.

‘’ I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking it would mean anything…’’ Harry let out, rubbing a hand on the nape of his neck.

Louis managed to get on his feet and when he put his eyes down on Harry, terribly embarrassed, he couldn’t help the tears falling from his eyes. He cried silently, without moving until the taller boy was next to him, patting his shoulder softly.

‘’ Is it okay if I hug you?’’ Harry wondered cautiously.

Louis nodded and he felt thin arms around his waist, warm coming through is whole body. He crocked his head on Harry’s shoulder, trying hard to stop himself from crying.

‘’ Come here, sit down.’’ They managed to sit without breaking their hug. Harry rubbed his back slowly.

‘’ I don’t know you that well, but I know you are someone special. I feel it by the way you’re not afraid to let out your feelings.’’

‘’ I restrain myself a lot normally’’ Louis said whipping his eyes with his shirt getting off the hug.

‘’ And sometimes it’s too much?’’ Harry asked.

‘’ Ye… Yeah.’’

‘’ I get it.’’

‘’ I think, I should go’’ Louis whispered before standing up.

‘’ You can stay… I’ll sleep on the floor, I feel bad letting you go like that’’

‘’ I don’t think it’s a good idea’’

‘’ Okay, well I’ll call you tomorrow’’ Harry let out in a small smile before hugging him briefly.

‘’ Please, do it’’.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry called at 4:30 PM but Louis didn’t answer. Harry texted him at 5:13 PM but Louis hadn’t reply yet. He had felt so vulnerable last night, crying in front of him, because of him, like it was no big deal and all that scared him. He wasn’t able to proceed the fact that Harry Styles was fascinating him so much. And as he was in the shower, a hand on his throbbing cock, slowly pumping it remembering the scent of his hair, the way his long body was wrapping him, protecting him, curing him, he tried to convince himself he wasn’t good for him. He steadied himself with his other hand on the wall, his knees almost giving up on him as he pumped harder, rougher. He ejaculated in three hot pulses at the sound of Harry’s voice, which seemed so definite, so real in his fresh memory. As he came down of his rush, he realized the voice was still there, louder. Someone was bagging at the door. He rolled a towel around his waist and go out of the shower.

‘’ Louis, if you’re there please open, I’m going to open the door if you’re not doing it.’’

Louis was petrified in the doorframe of his bathroom as the door of his room slowly opened and a mop of so well-known curly hair peeked out.

‘’ I was worried about you, you twat!’’ Harry screamed at Louis.

The older boy couldn’t move, he was in a freaking towel, so close to be naked and he just wanked himself off at the sound of him.

‘’Louis!’’

‘’ I was in the shower’’ he pointed the towel awkwardly and sighed; he was never awkward.

‘’ Well I called you and you didn’t answer!’’

‘’ How do you know where my dorm is anyway?’’

‘’ Everybody know Louis Tomlinson, right?’’

Louis smiled.

‘’ It’s true, but let me just put something on, okay?’’

‘’ Sure’’ Harry turned himself to face the door as Louis quickly put on some sweats.

‘’ Alright, you can turn around’’

As he did, Louis noticed a different look in Harry’s eyes. As hard as he tried he wasn’t able to put his finger on what it was. But Louis felt a little bit of compassion toward him and he didn’t know why.

‘’ Hmmm… I was planning on ordering Chinese food and rewatching the first season of ‘’American Horror Story’’, are you joining?’’

‘’ Don’t know that show, but yeah, can’t resist Chinese food’’

**

It was 2:12 AM when Louis opened his eyes in shock and felt an hand resting on his stomach. They have fallen asleep watching the show. The hand was heavy on his stomach, warming him up and making him ready to burst into flames. The more he knew Harry, the more he realized how right he was about him. Harry was someone genuinely kind and funny. He always made bad jokes and laughed at them shyly, but when Louis made bad jokes he busted into laugher like it was the funniest thing he has ever heard. Louis felt like Harry was the type of person he would be able to tell everything without a slightly doubt of being judged. He slowly turned himself to see Harry, lighting by the glow of the mute telly, fast asleep, his chest calmly moving up and down. He was beautiful; no other word came to Louis’ mind to describe him. In his entire life, he never felt more right about something. Lying down, there, next to that boy was the only thing that matter. It felt the only reasonable thing to do. He shifted to face him and his movements made Harry grumbled in his sleep, slowly opening one eye then closing it before opening both quickly obviously surprised to see Louis there.

‘’ Fuck, sorry mate, I’m gonna go’’

But before he could move, Louis grabbed his arm.

‘’ Please stay’’

‘’ I don’t think it’s a good idea’’ Harry refused before forcing him to fully wake up.

‘’ Why?’’ Louis let out desperately. Why on earth that boy wouldn’t give a fuck about him when he really needed him to?

‘’ I just can’t’’ and the door slammed behind his long figure.

Louis slammed back into the mattress, letting himself cry back to sleep.

**

It’s been more than a **month** now and he never heard of Harry Styles again. Louis had been more depressed than he ever had been before. He hated himself for not being good enough for him and he hated himself for being so affected by it. All his thoughts were toward the younger boy. He tried a lot of things to ignore it. He became a perfect student being way too often at the library, he invested himself a lot in Zayn’s love life, even considering seeing Eleanor again. But after only one date, he knew he wouldn’t be able to pretend. And as soon as the pain was beginning to fade, his heart a little less heavy and his mind a little less worried, Harry Styles came back in his life. It felt like a fist right in the stomach when you didn’t expect it.

Louis was coming to his dorm from the library that evening, a thin snow dancing from the sky. He was cold and his only thoughts were revolving around a hot shower and a warm bed. As he came to his room, he saw him sitting against the wall beside his door frame. His head in his hands, curls a little wet from the snow.

‘’ What are you doing here?’’ Louis said roughly. There was no way he was going to let this guy back in his life.

‘’ I wanted to see you’’

‘’ Well I don’t, so please, leave’’ his shaky hands turned his key and open the door as Harry got up, his eyes hiding the same thing Louis remembered from a month before. The older boy sighed ‘’ Go on, but you are not staying more than ten minutes, I don’t want people to see you here’’. It was harsh but Louis needed to protect himself. It was by being mean or counting endlessly.

Harry sat down on his bed, he was too comfortable for the Doncaster boy liking. Louis reached for a single glass which he filed with water. He wasn’t going to do anything for making Harry stay longer.

‘’ Well, say something, I don’t have time for this shit’’ Louis almost yelled, trying to calm himself by counting for the hundredth times every little countable things in his room.

‘’ I’m sorry’’

Louis laughed. ‘’ You’re sorry! For what? Leaving me when I ask you to stay or for ignoring me for a month? Or is it for showing up so randomly at my door begging for me to let you in, what is wrong with you? I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me, but Christ, leave me alone and stop coming back!’’

‘’ You don’t understand’’

Louis was so mad; he put down loudly his glass and quickly went in front of Harry. ‘’What do you mean, I don’t understand?’’

Harry was looking at his laps, his hands rubbing together. Louis saw him biting his lips, trembling.

‘’ ANSWER ME’’ he cried shaking Harry by the shoulders. Greens orbs met his’. Louis held back a bit, feelings coming faster than he expected them to.

‘’ It’s that! Exactly it! As soon as you feel something you back off, you are too scared for this and I can’t …’’

‘’ You can’t … what?’’ all his anger was suddenly gone, and his question was just a soft whisper as he sat down next to Harry.

‘’ I can’t be friend with you’’

‘’ Why?’’

‘’ Because I will always think of something more and I know you are feeling it too, just by the way you look at me. But as soon as it becomes more real you back off. I’m not strong enough to handle rejection, not again. I need someone who wouldn’t be ashamed of whom they really are, who will be proud of being… of being with me. So, when I began to feel something more for you and I saw you holding back, I knew I would be broken. So I ran away.’’

Louis wasn’t able to breathe normally, he didn’t even know if what was happening was real. Everything seemed so cloudy, so unreal.

‘’ But I wasn’t able to stop thinking about you’’ a single tear dropped on harry’s thigh.

Louis heard himself speaking but wasn’t even sure if he was controlling it.

‘’ Since I’ve seen you for the first time, I wasn’t myself. You made me question my entire being and I think… I think it’s normal for me to be afraid. I never felt… this… before… But…’’

‘’ Please, say it’’ Harry begged bringing a hand to find one of his. It was warm and cozy, and Louis didn’t felt weird as he thought he would be. It was better than a girl’s hand. Harry’s was big, comforting and right now it was all Louis needed.

‘’ But, when I look at you, for a few seconds I’m not afraid anymore. Nothing matters other than you and what you think of me, and all of this is so new to me, so strange, so, so unexpected…’’.

‘’ You’re not sure you’ll be able to do it…’’ Harry completed his hand leaving Louis’.

‘’ I never be so unsure in my entire life, but please, don’t leave me alone’’.

It was now Louis who was crying, silently. He felt strong arm around his shoulders as he’s been dragged to the thin torso. Shivers were going down his spine while Harry whispered ‘’ I won’t’’ in his ear. Louis crawled in Harry’s body sobbing for what seemed hours before they leaned on the bed, Harry’s strong arm around his waist, hot breath on the nape of his neck. Louis hold tightly Harry’s arm, making sure he wouldn’t go.

He didn’t.

**

The next morning, Louis woke up to the nice feeling of a warm body next to his. He ended up facing Harry in his sleep and the sight of the sleepy boy was almost too overwhelming. He slowly cupped Harry’s jaw in his little hand, his thumb rubbing his cheek. The younger boy opened one eye, his mind beginning to proceed where he was. As soon as he saw Louis, he smiled, stretching himself.

‘’ Morning’’ he whispered.

‘’ Morning’’ Louis replied shyly as he got up and started brewing some coffee. They ate in silence, some eggs on toasts with bacon. It wasn’t awkward as Louis as expected, it was peaceful. After eating, Louis went brushing his teeth contemplating for a shower and he gave Harry some mouth wash laughing as he almost begged for it ‘’Nothing’s worse than a coffee breath’’ he said with puppy eyes. And after a laugh, they were there, in the tiny bathroom, silently looking at themselves in the mirror.

‘’ Maybe I should go, now’’ Harry began ruffling his hair before styling them as much as he could.

‘’ I don’t want you to go’’

‘’ I don’t want to go neither’’

Harry slowly approached Louis’ small frame. By reflex, he moved backward, his back hitting the wall in a shock. Harry didn’t stop and their bodies were now pressing against each other, as soon as the contact was made Louis let out a gasp. Harry leaned softly, one hand on the wall in front of him, the other caressing Louis’ hair. The older boy was so nervous, so hesitant, but he didn’t want it to end. It was him that closed the gap, gently pressing his lips against Harry’s pink mouth. Harry began to move his hand back and forth in Louis’ hair, their body pressing harder against each other. It was almost too good to be true. When Harry delicately bit Louis’ bottom lip, he yelped, kissing a bit rougher. Harry opened his mouth, letting his tongue exploring the other mouth. It was slow, soft, gentle, and precious. Louis broke the kiss looking up to meet these glassy green eyes that make him fluttered inside. They were both in an unknown mood, in-between dreams and reality, emotions hitting them like a tsunami, making their hearts trying to survive the waves. Louis’ hands were now moving, exploring Harry’s torso in lust. He took off both of their shirts, kissing every inch of skin he could find, biting with love every nipple. He wanted to taste him, to make him his and only his, to know every part of his body like he created it. He kissed the swallow birds, biting Harry’s collarbone in the way. Harry groaned both hands now in Louis’ hair, kissing his head. He felt Harry striping him off from his jeans he hadn’t take off from last night. He did the same with Harry’s making sure his mouth would not leave the other heated body.

‘’ We can stop anytime you want’’ Harry reassured him, kissing his nose.

‘’ I don’t want to stop’’ Louis let out in a moan as their still too clothed erection brushed together. Harry broke the contact, causing Louis to whine slightly and started the shower.

‘’I’ll take off your boxer, now, babe, are you sure you want to continue?’’

‘’ Ye… Yes’’ Louis let out in a growl. The curly haired boy took both underwears at the same time, sending both erections free. Harry took Louis hand and guided him in the boiling shower. He hugged him, kissing the top of his head.

‘’ I’ve never felt this good in a long time Louis’’ Harry whispered in his ear before kissing it.

‘’ Me neither, it feels so right.’’

Harry smiled at him and Louis felt a hand leaning in-between their bodies, grabbing his cock and gently pumping it.

‘’ Ha..Harry’’ Louis moaned, the feeling was good, relieving, exciting.

He also reach the other cock, trying to adjust to stroking someone other than him. He heard Harry whimpering in his neck, sucking the soft skin in a desperate attempt to control the sounds that he would produce.

Harry broke their embrace and knelt in front of him, his hands wondered on Lou’s tummy kissing every pieces of tan skin he could find. He grabbed another time the throbbing penis, kissing the tip of it. Louis could almost felt himself coming at that exact moment, without any more touching, and Harry noticed.

‘’ Babe, don’t restrain yourself, I want you to come for me.

‘’ Touch me’’ Louis moaned, needy, as Harry took his dick all at once in his hot mouth. He was stroking the base of it while palming his balls. Only two thrusts were enough for Louis to see white and coming, so, so hard, in Harry’s welcoming mouth. Left from any energy he sat down in the shower, breathing heavily.

‘’ You are so beautiful’’ Harry said slightly brushing his own cock with his long fingers. Louis reached it with a hand and stroked it, roughly, urgently and Harry came seconds later, semen splashing on Louis face and torso, his head lightly throwing back, closing his eyes in a moan. Harry took time to clean Louis up and leaned down beside him, hot water and steam surrounding them. Bodies and minds intertwined.

‘’ Thank you’’ Louis kissed Harry.

‘’ I’m so proud of you. So proud you’re finally able to be yourself.

Louis closed his eyes and smiled genuinely because for the first time in his life, he was truly happy.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s been a week since the two boys haven’t seen each other. This time, Louis was completely agreeing with it, taking time for themselves, school and friends. They called each other a couple of times and Louis told Zayn about what happened. ‘’ I don’t want any detail’’ was his prominent response but he was genuinely happy for his friend. Louis wasn’t ready to tell his others friends about it though. He didn’t even know what he had with Harry was. All this was so new to him, so scary but so addicting at the same time.

He had brought some curry from a take-away near Harry’s dorm. A very happy boy opened the door and hugged him tight before he could do anything else.

‘’ Shit, I’ve missed you way too much’’

Louis’ heart skipped a beat, because he missed the boy too. He was fully aware of how he was feeling now. The week had been very long without him and he felt like his five years old self when he knew he would saw Harry again. They ate happily, joking around, sharing quick kisses. They cuddled while watching a movie, Louis head on Harry’s laps while the younger boy played slowly with his hair.

‘’ You’re very beautiful, Lou’’ he whispered looking down at him.

Louis sat down, catching the glow in his big green eyes. They were sparkling, he looked so young, so fresh and he was happy to be with him and he thought he was beautiful. Louis leaned slowly and cupped Harry’s jaw in his hands, kissing is pink mouth thoughtfully. He let himself felt everything that needed to be felt. He was light, his brain wasn’t functioning normally, and everything felt good… how much time they had been kissing? Oh yeah, two minutes twenty five seconds…

Harry brushed their noses together.

‘’ I’m so happy when I’m with you, I never felt this happy before’’ Louis let out.

Harry grinned in-between their kisses and guided him to his bed. He laid the smaller boy down on it, took both of their shirts off and began kissing his neck. Louis could already felt his length hardened from the brushing of their bodies.

‘’ Harry?’’ he whispered.

‘’ Mmm?’’ Harry let out without completely removing his lips which were now on Louis’ chest.

Louis wanted to say everything he felt. He didn’t know if what he felt was love. But he never felt so close to someone before. He was so afraid of what Harry would think of him, to fall so quickly for him. He never let himself go like that before and he was waiting for the shock, the hard knock he would feel when he would hit the ground. He promised himself he wouldn’t reveal how he felt first. He wanted to say to Harry he had OCD too, he wanted to be free of this awful illness, to talk about it to someone. But it was even harder than revealing his feelings. So he kept quiet.

‘’ Nothing’’

Louis slowly grabbed Harry’s head and kissed him. He smelled the exact same thing as he already smelled before, apple and pear that was it. He let his hand wondered on Harry’s toned stomach, reaching the button of his pants. He opened it, touching his semi-hard on through the fabric. Harry left his mouth and went down his neck, sucking hard, leaving a red love bite. Louis groaned, roughly untangling Harry’s hair.

‘’ Damn, Lou, you’re so fit’’ he let out in a rasp. He kissed his belly button and shove down completely his pants and socks. He did the same with his own. Louis grabbed Harry’s erection through the thin material of his boxers.

‘’ Urgh… I want you so badly’’ Harry moaned, his head resting on Louis stomach, breathing heavily.

‘’ Me too’’ Louis whispered, unsure, throwing his underwear off, exposing his naked body for Harry’s sight.

‘’ Baby…’’ Harry caressed softly Louis’ erection, kissing it here and there. Louis tried to restrain himself from bucking upward. Harry ended up naked, reaching for lube in his night stand. Louis jerked off, fear across his face. Harry noticed and tossed the lube away.

‘’ We are not going to do that if you’re not ready, Lou’’.

‘’ I’m sorry.’’

‘’ It’s okay, don’t worry about it’’ They were back kissing, murmuring dirty things and swears. Louis moved his hips against Harry’s soft skin, biting his neck.

‘’ I like it, urgg, I like it so much when you bite me baby’’ Harry said grabbing both of their cocks, strocking them gently.

‘’ Har-Harry, don’t stop’’

The feeling of his own cock brushing against Harry’s was something so new, so fresh, so exciting.

‘’ I’m gonna come…’’ Louis let out, unable to make himself stay longer when he was with Harry. Harry quickly let out both of their length.

‘’ Harry!’’ Louis whined, his hand instinctively going to touch himself.

Harry let his whole body lay on the mattress, his cock leaning perfectly on his stomach.

‘’ Damn, Harry, you’re so gorgeous like that’’

Harry blushed at the compliment and leaned very close to Louis’ ear. Their bodies were perfectly aligned and Louis’ cock was tripping for a touch.

‘’ Can I tell you a secret?’’ Harry’s whispered.

Louis nodded. Harry was going to tell him a secret, he was able to do it. And Louis wasn’t. How many polka dots were on this comforter? One, two, three.

‘’ I’m shy about it…’’ Five, six, seven.

‘’ I won’t judge you’’ Eleven, twelve, thirteen.

‘’ I would really like it if you… hmm… if you… could be rough with me…’’

‘’ Fuck, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two’’ Louis though to himself.

‘’ It would turn me on so much if you insulted me, scratch me and bite me harder, harder than before…’’

Why were they only twenty-five polka dots visible at this moment? He needed more. He wasn’t pleased about how much this turned him on. It was him to be like that, a prick, a bastard and Harry was asking him to be like that… with him?! Was it why he was interested by him? Because of how he was with him the first time he saw him?

‘’ If you don’t want to it’s okay…’’ Harry said leaning back a little.

‘’ I want it, but… I mean… Don’t want to fuck things up after’’

Harry laughed loudly.

‘’ It’s a game Louis, only a freaking hot kinky game’’

‘’ I’m in’’

‘’ Fuck, I’m so turned on already, no one ever wanted to do it with me before, always scared the shit out of them, you are perfect, Lou!’’

Harry hugged him tightly and Louis couldn’t help but thinking that he was hugging him because he accepted to hurt him in bed, he was so cute, so little, so childish and he thought Louis was perfect.

Louis take his face and kissed him roughly.

‘’ You’re going to come for me right, little shit’’

Harry moaned and bucked his hips against Louis’. Louis would love this way too much.

‘’ Before we started for real’’ Harry interrupted, we need a word… If things are going too rough, to stop the kink’’

‘’Polka dot’’ was all Louis could said.

‘’ Polka dot it is’’

Harry grabbed Louis’ cock and stroked it hard again. Louis was whimpering into Harry’s neck before pulling hard on his hair.

‘’ Don’t touch me’’ Harry’s hand let him free and he smirked.

‘’ You think it’s funny?’’ Louis flipped them both so he was on the green eyes boy. He took both of his wrists and squeezed them tightly. Harry jerked upward, searching any kind of friction.

‘’ Bite me, Lou, bite me, my nipple, somewhere’’

‘’ You’ll have to beg for it you whore’’

Louis let free one of Harry’s wrist leaving a white mark from the lack of blood circulation. He roughly grab Harry’s shaft, stroking it.

‘’ Oh my god, Lou, urg, please, bite me, anywhere you like, please, I just want you to bite me, I’ll do anything you want, please’’

‘’ Anything I want, don’t forget that slut’’

Reaching Harry’s upper arms with both his hand he strongly pressed on them to maintaining him in place. He softly blew on the right side of Harry’s neck which made him shivered.

‘’ This is what you ask for, right? That I blow on your neck, I don’t remember…’’

‘’ Christ, Lou! Don’t be a tease’’

‘’ Don’t tell me what to do’’ he fiercely pushed Harry against the mattress.

‘’ Bite me please, I can’t take it anymore’’

Louis slowly run his tongue over the delicate skin. Harry was shaking, trying to move under Louis’ grip. And then out of the blue, Lou bit him on his collarbone, squeezing his arm even more and brushing their bodies together.

‘’ Oh.. good.. Lou… FUCK’’ Harry’s was jerking quickly.

Louis let suddenly Harry’s arms free.

‘’ What are… doing, I want more’’ Harry let out of breath.

‘’ Shut up’’ he scratched Harry’s ribs leaving red marks on it.

Harry’s cock was leaking against his and the feeling was so intense, Louis wasn’t sure how long he was going to last.

Louis came toward Harry’s head, on his knees, hands against the wall.

‘’ Take it’’ he said leaning his throbbing cock against Harry’s plump mouth. He slowly pushed in Harry’s warm entrance. One time in, one time out, in, out. Faster, deeper, faster, deeper. He heard Harry gagged. He looked at him. Teary eyes but he nodded. Four more trusts before slapping him it the face with his hard dick.

Tears were running down his cheeks. The sight broke Louis’ heart.

‘’Polka dot.. okay?’’ Louis’ speak out. It was harder to do it when he had that cute face on.

‘’Okay’’ Harry smiled and took Louis’ penis in his hand.

‘ I want to see you come Louis. Like the last time. I want to look at you when you come.’’.

Louis let out a whine and they leaned next to each other, close enough for their erections to brush. Louis circled his arms around Harry’s neck, bucking in Harry’s arm. Louis looked down, it was so hot to see their two cocks so close to each other. He grabbed Harry’s dick, tangling their legs. They kissed, slowly, Harry’s mouth tasting salty from a mix of his pre-cum and tears.

‘’ I’m close Harry, you’re good at this’’

‘’ Louis, look .. look at me’’

Lou opened his eyes and blue met green. As Harry bit is lips, Lou came in hot pulses.

‘’ Oh .. my.. your face, Lou, urgg’’ and Harry came too, sticky liquid on Louis’ hand.

They came down their high, hugging tightly, harsh breathing, feeling their heart beating irregularly on each other chest.

‘’ Your face when you come, babe, the best thing I ever saw.’’

Louis blushed furiously. How was it possible to feel so great to be there, lying on a unmade bed, with another guy, dirty bodies and messy hair? Nothing in this was perfect, nothing of this was net. Everything was out of control; everything was just so not like it was supposed to be, but nothing as ever felt more right.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry stretched out with a yawn ready to put an arm around the sleepy body beside him. But he found his bed empty.

‘’ Louis?’’ he asked, sitting down in his bed and rubbing his eyes. No answer. He got up and took a wee, still confused as where Louis could be. He took a quick shower before texting him.

Where are you? Have I dream last night?

After half an hour without an answer, he decided to go ask Liam if he was in for a breakfast. He knocked loudly at his mate door which was only three rooms away from his.

‘’ Come on Liam!’’

‘’ What is wrong with you? It’s only eight A.M. it’s Saturday and I was working till fucking four last night.’’

‘’ Oops… My bad, I forgot.’’ He tried to pull his best puppy face in an apology.

‘’ Of course you did, can I sleep now? We’ll catch up later.’’

He was about to close the door when he must have been noticing the strange look on Harry’s face because he added:

‘’ Something wrong with Louis is that it?’’

‘’ Well, not that wrong’’ he entered the room and Liam close the door with a sigh. He jumped onto his bed, sneaking under the covers.

‘’ Tell me everything’’.

‘’ We slept together last night, it was absolutely one of the best shag have ever …’’

‘’ Well… not everything.’’

‘’ But when I wake-up he wasn’t there and he doesn’t respond to my text.’’

‘’ Since when are you such a sucker?’’

Harry blushed, ashamed. It’s true he never have been that attached to someone that quickly. It was so weird. There was something about Louis that make him wanted to never leave his side.

‘’ Well, he never had a proper thing with guys before. In fact, he never even kissed a guy before me…’’

‘’ Are you saying that you are dating a closeted dude? You, Harry Styles, the guy that give blowjobs almost for everyone to see’’

‘’ You just had to knock you twat! And I guess…’’

‘’ That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard, let me text that shit to Niall.’’

‘’ Stop it, it’s not easy you know’’

‘’ So, why are you putting yourself into this?’’

The fact is that Harry didn’t know why he was doing this. Louis was so … seemed so… he didn’t even know. A minute he thought Louis was the cutest boy he’s ever seen and the other he was face fucking him like a porn star. He shrugged in response.

His cellphone vibrated and Harry quickly look at it since it was probably Louis.

All these years of flamboyant gayness and you’re putting yourself in the closet again, I’m impressed.

Niall. His friends were such losers, but at least they supported him through everything. He asked a place in bed with Liam but he was already asleep, so he pushed him roughly in revenge and fell back asleep.

 

**

When he woke-up, it was almost 2:00 P.M. and someone was knocking furiously at the door.

‘’ Liam, go open, it’s your room’’ he mumbled crashing a pillow over his head.

‘’ It’s Niall!’’

‘’ Z’open Niall’’ Liam screamed ready to throw him a shoe as soon as he opened the door.

‘’ What’s wrong with you?’’ Niall catched the snicker just before it hit his face.

‘’ We are going out tonight! You can bring your secret boyfriend, Hazza. And you can bring Dani, LiLi.’’

‘’ What have you been eating Niall? You are such a loser. And I’m not with her anymore.’’

‘’ Well, we’ll found you someone new tonight is that okay?’’

‘’ I’m in to find Liam true love, I never loved that girl anyway’’

‘’ Well, she was fit’’ Niall objected.

‘’ I don’t care for pussy, remember?’’

‘’ Can we stop talking about her? Oh my god, I swear you two’’ Liam got up and went straight to his bathroom, shutting the door loudly.

‘’ Shit, that wasn’t very brilliant of you’’ Niall teased him.

‘’ You started it’’ Harry looked at his phone, still no message from Louis.

‘’ I’ll try to call him’’ he said out loud while Niall was opening the mini-fridge looking for something to steal from Liam.

‘’ Voice-mail’’ Harry sighed.

‘’ I thought he was into you way more than you did’’

Harry frowned, maybe he wasn’t after all.

‘’ Let’s go for a run Nialler’’.

‘’ Okay’’ he said his mouth half full with some pizza left over from Liam’s fridge.

 

**

They entered the campus bar as a trio. Harry hasn’t heard from Louis at all. He was kind of frustrated about it. Who does he think he was? A good fuck for his sexual frustrations? A good shoulder to cry on because he couldn’t assume who he was? Tonight, Harry was getting drunk. It has been only twenty minutes since they arrived and they had already taken five shots and a beer down each. The great feeling of looseness was finally relaxing his mind. He saw that a girl was grinding herself on Niall while he tried to escape her. He laughed loudly at his mate face. Niall finally reached the table shooting:

‘’ I’m not enough drunk for that’’.

‘’ Do you need a saving? Because she is coming’’

‘’ What?!’’ an afraid look was on his face.

‘’ Do you want me to save you? You need to pay the next shots though’’

‘’ Deal.’’

‘’ Hey boys!’’ The girl sat on Niall laps. The Irish lad threw his head back while Liam couldn’t stop laughing.

‘’ Excuse me, sweetie, but you are sitting on my boyfriend.’’ Harry said, patting Niall knee.

‘’ What?!’’ Both Niall and the girl said.

‘’ He’s my boo!’’ he ruffled sweetly Niall’s hair.

‘’ You’re gay?!’’ she screamed.

‘’… Yeah?’’ Niall responded shooting a dark gaze at Harry.

‘’ Kiss him’’ she ordered.

‘’ What?!’’

‘’ Kiss your boyfriend if you are gay’’

‘’ Don’t be shy baby’’ Harry closed the gap between him and his friend and kissed him until the girl lifted herself and returned into the crowd of people dancing. When Harry leaned back, Niall roughly brushed his mouth with his hand.

‘’ IF I’M NOT DRUNK ENOUGH FOR A GIRL, I’M NOT DRUNK ENOUGH FOR YOU!’’

‘’ Did I save you or not?!’’

Niall frowned. ‘’ I’ll go bring the shots’’

‘’ Harry, you are hilarious’’ Liam was still laughing loudly.

‘’ We still need to find you a fuck’’ Harry reminded him before getting interrupting:

‘’ Hey’’

Harry’s blood froze. Louis. Why has he decided to show himself here if he hasn’t talk to him all day?

‘’ I got your message. That’s Zayn. Is that okay if I bring him?’’

‘’ Of course, Zayn, that’s Liam. Oh, and Niall’’ his friend was coming back, surprised to see Louis there.

After presentations, Harry drank even more. He put his hands on Louis’ knee under the table and leaned to whisper in his ear. Even though he was suppose to be mad, Louis was absolutely gorgeous in his tight trousers and green blouse, so it was hard for Harry to hold it against him.

‘’ Where were you today? I’ve tried to call you all day’’

‘’ Sorry… football practice.’’

‘’ It’s okay, babe. But you need to come sleep at mine’s tonight, is that a deal?’’

Louis nodded, his gaze going over the table at all the empty shots still standing there.

‘’ Do you want to drink?’’

‘’ Yup, I’ll go search something, what do you want?’’

‘’ What you’ll take’’

 

**

Louis exhaled in relief once he was at the bar and ordering two beers. He hadn’t practiced at all that day. He lied to him. He just laid in bed all day. He wasn’t able to be in presence of Harry without feeling like he was losing control of himself. Everything was happening too fast, he couldn’t be with him. Not in front of other people. He was afraid of how he made him feel, it was like Louis cared about him. He didn’t even know the guy for more than four months. And he saw him only ten times, well, eleven by now. Was it possible to change so much because of someone else? Harry was everything he was afraid to be. He couldn’t fall for him. Plus, he had no warranty that the other boy was feeling anything more than sexual attraction toward him.

‘’ Louis?’’

He knew it was her before he turned around: Eleanor.

‘’ Hi babe’’ he said loudly, covering the music. She hugged him and he returned it.

‘’ It’s been a while… I’ve kinda missed you’’ She placed an hand on his arm.

Louis turned around to look at where the boys were sitting. They were laughing loudly, not bothering to check if Louis was coming back. He took Eleanor by the neck and kissed her, roughly. She tasted peach and smelled like roses. Nothing compared to apple and pear. He even grabbed her bum; he needed to feel something, anything.

‘’ Woohh, calm down, boy’’ she teased him.

‘’ Mmsorry’’ he mumbled, taking the two beers sitting on the counter, throwing cash on it. He was hoping feeling some kind of arousal but all he felt was guilt and boringness. He sat down, giving Harry his beer.

‘’ You have to ear what Harry did to Niall to help him get out of that annoying girl’’ Zayn was still crying at this. Harry blushed while Niall was telling the story again. Louis couldn’t help but laugh, he wasn’t even jealous. And he felt himself relaxed a bit with a couple of shots in, until Eleanor sat down on his laps.

‘’ What are you doing?!’’ he asked, surprise.

‘’ You can’t leave me like this’’

‘’ I don’t know what you are talking about’’

The music was so loud and he could feel her arse grinning on him. He focused on counting the beat in the song. His palms were sweating and he was scared. He saw Niall and Liam laughing out loud at the sight of Louis. Louis understood how funny it could be since it just happened to the Irish man an hour ago. But Niall wasn’t fucking the guy beside him and didn’t just kissed and grabbed the ass of the girl in front of him.

‘’ What?!’’ he heard Eleanor say, leaning to hear what Harry was saying.

‘’ HE IS MY BOYFRIEND!’’

Eleanor said something to him that Louis didn’t hear. But he knew it, he knew it as soon as Harry’s hand left his knee and looked at him. He snapped.

‘’ You’re such a slut, you threw yourself at me, like the whore that you are. Nobody wants you, you are worthless, go away!’’ He pushed her from where she was.

Nobody was laughing anymore. Twenty cups were on their table. Fifteen were empty and thirteen of them were shots. It has been forty-three seconds, and no one had said a word. He didn’t even look around. He just got up, direction: the bar. He ordered five shots of whisky. He took them one after the other, without even taking time to breath.

‘’ Lou, are you okay mate?’’

‘’ Do I look okay to you Zayn?’’

‘’ What happened?!’’

‘’ Leave me alone!’’

He pushed him and drained himself to the dance floor surrounded with people, so many people that he couldn’t move anymore. Sweating bodies were around him, dancing, touching, kissing, almost fucking each others. He grabbed the first girl near him, kissing her hard. She responded to him hardly. He grabbed her bum and heard her moan on his mouth. He smiled, satisfied. He felt someone tapping on his shoulder and he turned around to see Harry. His big wide eyes confused.

‘’ What are you doing?!’’ he yelled at him.

‘’ Do you have weed?’’ was all Louis responded.

‘’ What is wrong with you?’’

‘’ Do you have weed’’ he repeated.

‘’I do’’

‘’ Let’s go then!’’ he grabbed Harry wrist and lead him outside.

‘’Louis!’’

‘’ Let’s go!’’ he dragged him firmly on the street until they couldn’t hear all these people talking. That’s when he relaxed a bit, but his heart was still pounding in his chest.

‘’ What’s wrong?’’ Harry asked as they stop.

‘’ I need to smoke. Please.’’ He needed it, he was hot and everything was spinning and as soon as Harry took it from his pocket Louis grabbed it from it and lighted himself up. Louis didn’t know if it was the scent or just the drug doing already his effect on his drunken mind but he could finally breathe.

‘’ Thank you’’ he let out in a sigh looking in Harry’s direction for the first time today. His face was so different from his cheeky-self. Louis could see hurt so clearly he was wondering how wasted he really was.

‘’ Harry…’’ he cupped his jaw with his hand as the curly haired boy close his eyes.

‘’ I thought…’’ but Louis didn’t let him finish as he closed the gap between them and softly kiss the other boy lips. They tasted like beer and mint. When Harry didn’t respond to the kiss, Louis deepened it. Still no respond.

‘’ I just though … you…’’

‘’ What?’’

‘’ You are not how I thought you would be. I thought you weren’t that jerk, that dick everyone says you are. But you left me this morning without saying anything, it’s not like it would bothering me or anytime, but then you just kissed random girls and completely ignored me, until you need some drugs to get more wasted. I just… I’m …’’ Harry didn’t finish and walked back to the bar, letting Louis there.

‘’ Don’t leave me alone… not again’’ It was so softly said, Louis was sure Harry didn’t hear it. But when he felt a slap on his face, he changed his mind.

‘’ DON’T YOU DARE MAKE ME TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS.’’

And as much as Louis wanted to say something in reply, something harsh, mean, nothing was coming to his mind. It was impossible for him to hate, to insult, to throw shit at Harry Styles.

‘’You don’t understand’’

‘’ EXPLAIN IT TO ME’’

‘’ Stop screaming!’’

‘’Sorry’’ Harry mumbled.

‘’ I’m scared’’

‘’ Of what?’’

‘’ Everything’’ Louis thought to himself.

‘’ I’m too wasted for this shit, I’m going home’’ he began to walk toward his dorms, almost tripping at each step.

‘’ Let me help you out’’ Harry said reaching out next to him, sliding an arm around his waist.

‘’ I’m sorry Harry’’

‘’ It’s okay, Louis’’

 

But nothing was okay.


	8. Chapter 8

It was cold and empty as Louis walked along the road. He heard some traffic far away but he was alone on the street. A light wind was blowing promises and a thin snow was spreading around him. His feet were marking the ground he was walking on. Some flashy old lights were the only source of brightness. He was looking at the sky when he heard it.

‘’LOUIS’’ a desperate scream broke the night. He wasn’t sure who it was and as a response to his wonder the scream repeated itself. It was more vivid, clearer and so much more real.

‘’ HARRY!’’ He screamed back, running as fast as he could, his feet constantly slipping on the wet ground. He didn’t know where to go. Did his voice came from behind him or not? His heart was pounding so loudly in his chest he could feel it in his brain. He heard the sound of a train coming up and as he turned the corner he saw Harry standing on a bridge above the railroad.

‘’ LOOK AT ME LOU’’ Harry cried across the air. He was walking on the edge of it.

Louis heartbeat started racing, if that was even possible. What was wrong with him? It was so dangerous to be there. He could fall and hurt himself. Was he drunk? Why was he walking so quickly on that bridge? Why, why, why? Louis blinked once, twice, before opening his mouth without a sound coming out as he saw Harry fell from the bridge to hit the ground on his back.

‘’HARRY!!’’ Louis started running toward him as fast as he could. Why was he running so slowly? That’s when he saw the train coming up. The train was going so fast. Louis and train: two opposites.

‘’HARRY! THE TRAIN IS COMING, GET UP, PLEASE, PLEASE, GET UP.’’

Tic, Toc, Tic, Toc. Too late. You have reached your destination. A loud noise broke his hopes as he fell on his knees, muscles letting him down for good.

 

‘’ Louis! Wake-up!’’ He sat up straight in his bed at the request, sweating. Someone was rubbing his back roundly. Louis’ breathing calmed down a bit before he let himself leaned back roughly against the mattress. Zayn laid back beside him a hand on his raising up chest.

‘’ Shhhhh, everything is fine’’ Louis turned his head to Zayn, smiling softly. ‘’ Your heart is beating so fast. It must have been a terrible dream’’. Louis nodded before asking:

‘’ What are you doing here?’’

‘’ Harry called me. He couldn’t stay the night and didn’t want to let you alone’’

‘’ Why couldn’t he stay?’’ Louis asked, snuggling more onto Zayn’s warmth.

‘’ He didn’t tell me, but I’m sure he had a good reason. Don’t worry okay?’’

Louis nodded slightly letting Zayn wrapped an arm around his body as he drifted back to sleep. But Louis wasn’t able to close his eyes. That dream. The feeling afterward. It wasn’t the first time. He had that feeling often when he was younger about his mother. But then, he was dreaming about big lions chasing her when they were at the zoo. He was knocking and screaming and crying against the glass separating him from her. But nothing he could do was making it broke. Each time he was waking up tears were filling his eyes. And then he would go to Lottie’s room and slid down her bed. Even when she was only five years old she would always whisper:

‘’ Another bad dream Loulou?’’ and she would wipe tears from his eyes. She never told their mom about these comforting nights. And Louis would always be grateful for that.

But even with the little girl by his side, he would never fall asleep right away. And as he did now, he counted. Everything. And only after hours, sleep would win him over.

 

**

He woke-up to the smell of fresh coffee. He opened one eye before closing it quickly hurting by the brightness of the white light coming from outside. He stretched himself with a whimper. Zayn turned himself from where he was on the couch, smiling at his friend.

‘’I’ve run to the coffee shop, mate. I just came back with coffee and donuts, sounds good?’’

‘’ That’s why you are my best friend’’ Louis got up, but sat right back on the mattress. His head was throbbing.

‘’ Shit, I’ve really wasted myself yesterday’’ Louis went to the bathroom to take some medicine. He had a look in the mirror. His hair were all over the place and dark circles were shining under his eyes. He gladly took the still hot coffee and sat down next to Zayn, cuddling him under the blanket, watching the telly blankly. He was feeling Zayn tensing a bit beside him.

‘’ I just don’t want to talk about last night, okay ?’’

‘’ Sure Lou.’’

Zayn put an arm around his friend’s shoulders and Louis leaned at the contact.

‘’ That’s also why you are my best friend’’ he whispered before drifting slowly back to sleep.

 

**

Harry woke up with a throbbing head. He checked his phone as soon as he opened his eyes. He had one text unopened. It was from Nick, a guy he used to date a couple of months ago.

I have been craving you like crazy lately, give me a call, x.

Harry groaned and threw the phone back against the mattress. Everybody always wanted him for sex. He was not even attractive. He had a big nose and pigeon toes. He was awkward most of the time. But people always wanted to fuck him. Harry never dated someone and genuinely felt like he was loved. He had been told so many times how good his blow jobs were and how hot he was looking when he was thrusting back onto a hard cock up his arse. But he had never been in a real relationship. Harry always fell for the guys he would fuck. After all those years, he was now used to restrain himself from feeling. But it’s so hard when it’s all you want and all you can do. He remembered the first time he kissed a boy. He was fourteen and the guy was an exchange student from Canada. His name was Tim. He was blond and was wearing glasses. They kissed while sitting on Harry’s bed. It was a slow peck. Harry still could remember his heart missing a beat and his hands trying to reach something but Tim jerked away shyly.

‘’ I can’t do that, sorry mate’’

Two weeks after Tim was back to his home and Harry cried himself to sleep for a month.

 

The first time he fucked a guy he was sixteen and completely drunk. It was quick and messy and the random boy never talked to him again after that. Harry did try to call him but he was always reaching voicemail. One time, the guy called him back, saying to stop harassing him, that Harry wasn’t his type and just a mistake. He was a fucking mistake.

 

The first time he fall in love was with that Nick guy. Before that, he restrained himself so much from any kind of feelings. But with Nick something seemed different; something was sparkling in his eyes when Harry was whispering sweet things against his mouth. Nick even told him he loved him and Harry told him back. He did love him back. But one day, Harry learned that Nick had a proper boyfriend called Ben. And when Harry cheekily answered Nick’s phone as a joke and that the boyfriend broke his hopes, he through the phone on Nick, screaming at him to go away. That night he went to the bar where Liam worked and wasted himself. That night, Harry and Louis exchange their numbers.

Louis. Harry groaned as he remembered last night. His fist clenched as he hit the mattress with them. He knew he had to be patient with Louis; he wasn’t even out for fuck’s sake. Harry rolled over on his stomach and buried his face in the pillow. Why in hell was he always falling for guys that would make him unhappy? Louis was such an asshole the first time he saw him and that had intrigued him. It didn’t take time to see something was not right. They were so much more to Louis that he would let appeared. And when he cried in front of him, his vulnerability was showing so purely and he told Harry he wasn’t himself with him. But Harry knew that Louis was in fact more himself with him than when he was hiding who he was. But still, Harry was only a distraction for him, a way to discover himself. Harry was just the casual good fuck he always had been. He sighed as his phone buzzed against the bed and Harry looked at it: Louis. He picked up, unable to let him suffer from his silence any longer.

 

‘’Hi.’’

‘’ Hey Harry, am I waking you up?’’

‘’ Kind of, but’s okay.’’

‘’ Do you want to come over?’’

Harry pondered the question. Being a good fuck with Louis and helped him through his struggles or being a good fuck with Nick with the weight of being even more used?

‘’ Give me an hour okay?’’

‘’ Sure, babe’’

 

**

When Louis opened the door more than an hour later, all the hesitation in Harry disappeared in the second. Louis was wearing a black t-shirt, tight jeans and a grey beanie on his messy hair. The smile he gave him was enough for Harry to even forget why he was upset earlier. As soon as he closed the door, Louis put a hand on Harry’s hip, playing with the rim of Harry white knitted sweater. Louis closed the gap between them and Harry buried his face in the soft texture of the beanie. Louis smelled like fabric softener and that only thought made Harry smile.

‘’I’m so sorry for last night’’ Louis began running a hand in Harry’s curls. ‘’ Please tell me you aren’t mad at me?’’

‘’ I’m not mad at you’’

‘’ Why haven’t you spent the night with me then?’’

‘’ I needed to think’’

Louis broke their embrace, hurt visible in his eyes. Harry felt bad but it was the truth.

‘’ About what?’’

‘’ This thing we have’’

‘’ This thing?’’

‘’ Well, I obviously thought it was … ‘’

‘’ Was what Haz?’’ Louis took his hand and made them sit on his bed. Soft blue eyes were starring at him in worries, Louis’ hand was now on his tight.

‘’ Nothing.’’

‘’ Tell me Harry, please’’ Louis begged cupping his jaw with his other hand.

‘’ I thought it was more exclusive’’ he let out in a sigh before standing up and going toward the door. He couldn’t do it, he didn’t want a friend with benefits after all, he wanted a boyfriend. He wanted a fucking boyfriend who would care about him.

‘’ Harry! Stop leaving. Why are you always leaving?!’’ Louis screamed, following him.

‘’ Stop asking questions when you don’t even answered mine!’’

Louis face dropped and his eyes shut down. The sight broke Harry’s heart as he made the few stepped that separated them and said against his will:

‘’ No more questions for now okay?’’

Louis nodded slightly. He was clearly holding on tears.

‘’ Don’t cry Louis, I know there is something up and I won’t bother you with that. But please, for now, let me take care of you. Let me help you even though I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s just you and me, in that room. You have nothing to be afraid of. It’s just us together. You can be yourself with me, I will never judge you, you do get that right? I don’t know why I’m doing all this to be quite honest, but I need to do it. I feel it just there’’ He took Louis’ hand and put it against his chest. ‘’ And I changed my mind, if you want to cry, please do. Do it because I want you to feel and I think that’s why you are so sad all the time, you restrain yourself from feeling things. But now that I’m here, I really want you to be happy, and if for that you need to cry first, you will do it okay babe?’’ Harry finished his speech looking right in the blue of Louis’ eyes.

If I can’t feel anything, at least one of us will do, he thought.

Louis nodded as he closed the gap between their lips in a whimper.


	9. Chapter 9

Harry told him to feel. He never felt before because feeling hurt. It destroyed every part of your body and consumed you until you’re lying on the ground. People thought that caring about others was a normal thing to do but it never was for Louis. The only people he ever cared about were his mum, his sisters and Zayn. He will be twenty-two years old next week and he never cared about anyone else until then. He hated himself so much just by acknowledging the fact that he might care about Harry. When he was with him, he just felt like the weight on his shoulders slowly disappeared and that he could just let himself be happy for once. When he saw Harry hurting that night, because of him, because he was so scared to let himself go, he hated himself more than he ever did before. But Harry could never understand why Louis was so scared to care about him. Harry wouldn’t understand that if Louis needed him, his anxiety would increase even more each day. He already had enough people to worry about. Being scared to lose six people was enough for Louis. But each day that passed by, Harry would just be that nice, thoughtful person and Louis would let himself think that maybe, just maybe Harry was as hurt as him. And when Harry said he wanted him to be happy and that he would take care of him, Louis just wanted to believe him; to let himself completely sank into his words. Louis wanted to forget how scared he was, how little he felt, how fucking vulnerable Harry would make him even though he didn’t even knew his favorite color. They just knew absolutely nothing about each other, they just fucked and the time they do it’s great and reassuring and Louis could almost feel some freedom from Harry’s touch. And Louis wanted more and Harry seemed to want more but Louis wasn’t able to let himself go. Because the second he would lose control, the countdown would start meaning the end would be nearer. When something started it had without a doubt an expiration date. But if Louis didn’t care, nothing would happen. And if nothing happened, nothing could end. And that Harry would never understand.

 

So all he could do is let Harry think he could fix him. And that’s why he leaned for a kiss, and that’s why he didn’t stop the tears from peaking up his eyes and slowly streamed down his cheeks. And he didn’t do what Harry told him because he felt like it; he did it because that’s what Harry wanted and if Louis couldn’t be happy, at least one of them would be.

Harry slowly raised his hand to wipe off some of the tears from his cheek. Louis couldn’t help the small smile he made at the gesture. He closed his eyes and let his skin absorbed the tender touch. He felt soft lips against his other cheek, kissing away each tears. He let himself sighed under the kisses, smelling the particular scent of Harry’s hair. He wandered one of his hands through the curls, letting his mind drifted back and letting his senses do the work. Harry slowly found his way to his mouth, and their lips just lingered together, not even pressed. Louis could feel Harry’s warm breath hitting his face. He opened his eyes and the teary gaze Harry gave him almost broke his heart. Louis wanted to ask what was wrong but it would have been hypocrite of him since he was hiding himself too. Louis pressed his lips against the fullest ones and Harry hummed back in surprise. Louis hand went under Harry’s sweater, feeling his hot skin and toned abs. Harry took Louis’ beanie off, running a hand through his feather hair. Louis kissed his neck, pushing him slowly toward the bed. Louis sat down, stripping Harry off his sweater. He groaned at the sight of his tattooed body. Louis kissed his stomach reaching to unbuttoned Harry’s pants. Harry groaned at the tongue brushing against his abs.

‘’ You are so fit, Harry’’

Louis noticed Harry backing off from his touch. He shook his head a bit, curls bouncing in front of his eyes. He grabbed Louis’ shirt and threw it on the floor. He pushed gently Louis on the mattress as he climbed on him.

‘’ Will you let me make you feel good, Louis?’’ he purred in his ears, making Louis whined.

Louis focused his attention on the way Harry’s smooth skin felt under his hands. He was lucky, he thought, to score a guy so fit as his first ever gay partner. Louis knew he was beautiful, but Harry was something else. He let his finger lingered on the flushed pink lips until Harry take it in his mouth, sucking it slowly. His eyes were darkened by lust and Louis moaned when Harry lightly bit his finger.

‘’ Sorry’’ he blushed. ‘’What do you want me to do to you? I really want to make you feel good, babe’’ he made a trail of kissed between his pecs and down his tanned tummy. He pushed his tongue in his belly button, reaching finally his pant and letting his lower body free from any clothing. Louis’ cock was already half-hard and Harry sighed as he sat back on his knee, starring at him. Louis blushed and tried to cover himself under the sheets but Harry stopped him.

‘’ Don’t hide; I think I could get hard just by looking at you. You are so damn hot’’

Louis’ dick twitched at words and Harry let out a short laugh.

‘’ So babe, what do you want me do to’’ he repeated his hand reaching to cupped slowly his balls. Louis bucked upward; his dick was hardened completely by now.

Louis was shy, because it was nothing extreme that he wanted. And he was a bit scared Harry thought he was too far back in the closet to do anything that was worth it. Harry must have seen the concern in Louis’ eyes because he stripped himself and laid down next to him, stroking his jaw gently.

‘’ Louis, I will say yes to anything you will ask, I swear’’

‘’ Can you… thchuyiursl’’ Louis mumbled, feeling his cheeks getting warm.

‘’ What’s you saying babe?’’ Harry asked, leaning his face against Louis’

‘’ Can you touch yourself…’’

Harry opened his eyes in surprise. Louis sighed and buried his face in the pillow.

‘’ Never mind it was a dumb idea’’

‘’ No Louis, it wasn’t.’’ Harry took Louis’ face and raised it so their gazes met.

‘’ I said anything and if that can make you happy I’ll do it.’’ He smiled fondly while stroking Louis’ cheek. ‘’I’m just not use to…’’ He paused.

‘’ To what?’’

‘’ No question right?’’

‘’ Right’’ Louis nodded before kissing the plump lips.

Harry deepened the kiss moaning slowly as Louis pushed gently the boy hand toward is flaccid cock. Louis couldn’t help but watched as Harry get himself hard, kissing Louis’ shoulder at the same time.

‘’ Shit, it’s so hot’’ Louis let out grabbing his own cock and tugged a few times before stopping. He wanted to enjoy Harry completely.

‘’ Do it, like when you are alone, I want to see how you get yourself off’’

Harry smirked and distanced himself a bit on the mattress. He laid on his back, propping himself a bit higher on the pillow so he had a full view of his working hand.

‘’You will get the full experience’’

His hands began to slow down his torso, acknowledging each nipple, taking time to play with all of them. Each time he touched a new nipple, he will bit his lips and his cock will twitched a little.

‘’ You are so sensitive’’ Louis let out in a whisper.

Harry smiled shyly at him, his hand now rubbing slowly his abs.

‘’ I’m feeling pretty exposed right now’’

‘’ You like that’’ Louis smirked reaching Harry for a kiss.

Harry gasped against his mouth and Louis looked down to see Harry grasping his cock roughly with one hand. Harry moaned loudly and Louis pulled back to have a full view of the boy. It was all sound, and skin, and sweat. And Harry bit his lips again and his free hand reached Louis’ tight. His gaze met his.

‘’ I’m… fuck, so pretty, am I doing this right?’’ Harry panted.

‘’ So great’’ Louis’ cock was aching but he didn’t want to touch it he just wanted to see Harry, to hear Harry, to feel Harry.

His big hand squeezed his thigh as he pumped faster. He run his hand over the leaking tip and spread his precome with a big tug.

‘’ Fuck’’ he whimpered, rubbing his hand on Louis’ tight, looking at his untouched cock. Harry licked his lips at the sight and Louis let out the moan he was restraining.

‘’ Shit, I’m close’’ Harry tugged faster ‘’you are so fit’’.

Louis blushed at the compliment. Harry threw his head against the pillow with a groan.

‘’ Come on me, Harry’’

Harry couldn’t even move before his orgasm hit him, big pulses dropping on his stomach and his chin. His face was flushed and he moaned out as he calmed down.

‘’ You make me come too fast’’ Harry giggled.

**He fucking giggled.**

Louis climbed on top of the taller boy and slowly licked out his come making appreciative noises.

‘’So good, that was so hot, Haz’’

‘’ My pleasure, mister’’

Harry grabbed his face and kissed him hungrily. It’s only now that Louis felt his aching cock screaming for friction. He bent a little so his cock was rubbing on Harry’s stomach.

He moved to add more contact and Harry run his tongue through Louis’ neck. Harry flipped them over and grinned before kissing the trail down Louis’ belly.

‘’ So tanned, so curvy’’

Louis groaned when Harry’s mouth flirted with his cock. Louis bucked his hips.

‘’ Sorry’’ he mumbled completely unaware of his movement.

‘’ I like it when you are eager for my touch’’

‘’ Don’t be a tease, I… need it’’ He quickly grabbed his cock and pumped it.

‘’ Fuck, you were right. It’s really hot watching someone jerk off’’

Louis whined a curse before grabbing Harry’s neck roughly and kissing his plump mouth. All he could think of was the relieving feeling of being close to the edge. Never knowing really how long it was going to last.

‘’ Talk, fuck, to me’’

Harry laid down on his side and traced a path on his chest with his finger.

‘’ You are doing so great babe, maybe I could come again just by looking at you. So fit, with your big cock in your small hand. I wish it was me, under that hand. I wish that cock was in my mouth. So, so big in my mouth. And maybe if I’m lucky enough, I’ll have that giant cock in my arse someday’’

‘’ Oh fuck, I’m gonna…’’ Louis climaxed loudly, everything was messy and he felt so worn-out.

‘’ That was so hot’’ Louis let out in a sigh.

They relaxed on the bed for a bit before Harry asked:

‘’ What do you think of a bubble bath to clean ourselves out?’’

‘’ I wouldn’t have thought of a better idea’’ Louis smiled.

‘’ Don’t move, I’m going to make it run’’ Harry kissed his forehead smiling sweetly.

‘’ Thank’s, because I’m not sure I can lift myself right now’’

‘’ I figured’’

Louis closed his eyes as he heard the water running in the bath. Harry was prepping all they needed while shouting stuff to Louis. ‘’Where’s the bubble bath?!’’ ‘’ Raspberry and milk flavoured? Fancy’’ ‘’I need some music, where do you put your speakers?’’

Sometimes later, he felt Harry slowly brushing his hair.

‘’ It’s time for bath time, Lou’’

Louis whined a bit as Harry helped him to get up. He didn’t really need help but being take care off was something that never happened much to him. Harry dragged Louis to the bathroom where a sweet scent was coming from the bubble bath. Some totally Harry Styles’ music was playing softly in the background. Harry slipped in the bath first and Louis followed him, resting his back against Harry’s chest. The bathtub was pretty small and Harry had to bend his knees to fit in it. But Louis found that calming as he rested his forearms on Harry’s thighs. Harry hummed every song while Louis traced slow patterns on the wet skin. Maybe they could just be like this, wonderful sex and sweet silence.

 

And as Louis closed his eyes that night nearly on the edge of falling asleep, he realised he hadn’t counted at all that day.


	10. Chapter 10

It was the 24th of December and a heavy snow was falling from the Cheshire’s sky. Harry was enjoying an early Christmas Eve Dinner with his family. He went back home a couple days ago and he was glad to be there because he was missing his mum and his sister a little bit too much. Harry was happy, he really was, but the only thing that bothered him was that his mum had Robin and his sister had his boyfriend Liam and that he had no one. They would be able to kiss whenever they wanted, they will be able to say their Merry Christmas while hugging, they would be able to feel complete while Harry would not. Before heading the road, he thought, for a split second, asking Louis to come with him. But he quickly threw the idea far back in his head where it belonged. It was really hard for Harry to feel unloved and only useful but it would have been worst to be rejected. So he simply smiled a goodbye at Louis a week ago before leaving his room. His family knew he had a thing for boys. They all were supporting him completely. But he was gladder than ever when they didn’t ask any awkward question about why Harry hadn’t brought someone home for Christmas.

‘’ Are you okay Haz?’’ Gemma asked him while the rest of the family was cleaning up the table.

‘’ Yes, I’m just thinking’’ he forced a smile.

‘’ I know something is wrong, it’s all over your face!’’

Harry shrugged and Gemma yelled they were going out for a walk. Nothing was strange there since they always did that to avoid dishes. Their mother threw them a long gaze which meant ”you better help me with breakfast tomorrow”.

‘’ Don’t take too long, you know everybody will arrived anytime soon’’

They agreed as they stepped outside. Harry breathed loudly the fresh scent of winter. It was good to be back home.

‘’ So, little brother, tell your big sister everything’’ she passed an arm around his waist.

‘’ Stop it, Gem! It’s nothing anyway’’

‘’ It’s a boy’’

‘’ Fuck’’ he muttered ‘’I thought I would have save myself from dating questions’’

Gemma laughed loudly before clapping a gloved hand over her mouth.

‘’ I knew it! Is he fit? Do you have a picture?’’

‘’ I’m not dating anyone’’

‘’ But it’s about a boy right? Don’t tell me I’m wrong’’

‘’ You are right’’

‘’ But you are not dating him so… OH MY GOD, NOPE, I DON’T WANT ANY DETAIL!’’

Harry laughed at that.

‘’ You were asking questions, let me remind you that’’

‘’ Let me guess then… You want more and he wants sex’’

‘’ It’s more complicated than that, but yeah.’’

‘’ More complicated?’’

‘’ He’s like…’’ Harry sighed. ‘’He’s still in the closet’’

‘’ Of fucking course!’’ she busted. ‘’Hazza, don’t bother being with someone like that, I don’t want your heart to be broken’’

She was sincere, but it made Harry saw red.

‘’ You just don’t know anything about him! Shut up, Gem!’’

‘’ But I know that if he doesn’t want to show you off with all the pride he has, he doesn’t deserve you’’

‘’ I said it was complicated’’

‘’ I just want you to be happy, Haz’’

‘’ Me too.’’

**

After blowing up candles and have been sung Happy Birthday the most off key way he had heard it in his life, Louis was being attacked by two little girls. Phoebe and Daisy hadn’t left his side from all evening. It was nearly ten o’clock when their mum finally decided it was time to go to bed for them. They whined a bit but they calmed down as soon as Louis offered to read them a story. He never truly read them stories; he always ended up inventing some because books always have boring plotline. That night it was a story about a donkey being a superhero and saving two little princesses from the mean Dolphin.

‘’ Dolphins are my favourites animal Louis!’’ complained Daisy.

‘’ I know’’

‘’ It’s not fair’’

‘’ You wanted a story you have to deal with my story love’’

‘’ But dolphins are cute.’’

‘’ Doesn’t mean they’re nice’’

He finished his story and kissed them both good night being sure to whisper to Daisy that tomorrow’s story will have a mean giraffe in it because it was Phoebe favourite animal. He went downstairs and sat down on the couch near Fizzy and Lottie to watch some old good Christmas movie. It was good to be home. He missed them all so much.

‘’ Look at what Martin gave me for Christmas, Lou!’’ Lottie said before showing off a thin bracelet hanging on her wrist. ‘’ He gave it to me last week because he was going skiing with his family and we won’t be able to see each other until New Year’s Eve’’

‘’ It’s very pretty’’ he smiled fondly and as his gaze drifted back to the screen, his mind went straight to Harry. He hoped he was okay and everything was fine. A snowstorm alert was on for all England and he just hoped Harry was safe and at home. They hadn’t really talked nor texted since they left campus but Louis thought it was because Harry was enjoying his time with his family. A flash of red passed on the screen. How many letters were they in ‘’Santa Claus’’? Ten. Like the number of time it took for Louis to know Harry wasn’t like anybody else. How many posters did Harry have in his dorm room already? Right, seven. What total would it been if he added all single numbers of Harry’s cellphone? Thirty-eight. Fuck, he really wished Harry was okay. He could maybe text him or something. Something really casual.

**I feel old today :(**

_Not more than last week I’m sure ;)_

**Well I’m still a year older now.**

_Was it your birthday this week?!_

**Today.**

Harry didn’t reply but Louis didn’t care. At least he was okay and he sank back on the couch. An hour later, his mum woke him up and told him to go to sleep.

‘’ Don’t want you to look at the presents before tomorrow, Lou’’ she winked at him. ‘’It’s not like you would have ever done that before right?’’

Louis laughed.

‘’ Mum, I’m going to my room downstairs, do you really think I will take the time to climb all those stairs to go check my presents?’’

‘’ I missed you my baby boy’’

‘’ Missed you too mum, good night’’ He kissed her softly on the cheek, lingering a bit longer than usual.

Louis trailed off to the basement, brushed his teeth and washed his face before popping up in bed. He was about to fall asleep when his cellphone rang loudly.

‘’ Hello?’’ he whispered.

‘’ Happy birthday’’

‘’ Harry? Is that you’’

‘’ Yes, I sneaked out in the bathroom. Sorry for the loud noises in the background. All the family has arrived for the countdown are you doing anything tonight?’’

‘’ Christmas will be tomorrow for us, since today was my birthday. It’s always just my birthday on the 24th’’

‘’ So… What are you doing?’’

‘’ I’m in bed, was about to go to sleep’’

‘’ Oh, sorry, didn’t want to bother you or anything…’’ Harry began.

‘’ Harry! I was about to go to sleep not getting laid’’

They laughed. Harry’s voice was raspier than usual. Louis could easily picture the younger lad having drinking a bit too much this evening.

‘’ Wish I was there to get laid with you’’

Louis heard Harry gasped like he couldn’t believe he had said that out loud.

‘’ I mean… fuck, don’t want to rush things, just, we haven’t… a week, yeah’’

Louis giggled, burying his face in his pillow.

‘’ You are so drunk Harry it’s really funny’’

‘’ I’m not drunk! Just a bit tipsy’’

‘’ If I tell you to touch yourself right now… Would you do it?’’ Louis asked concentrating not to laugh.

‘’ Yes, oh my god, Louis, I’ll do it. I want to do it’’

‘’ So you are definitely drunk’’

‘’ No! I’m horny and alone and in the bathroom upstairs where no one can really hear me…’’

‘’ You are not really…’’ But Louis was cut off by a chuckle moan.

‘’ Fuck it feels good’’

‘’ Oh my god! Harry, you are touching yourself while all your family is in your house!’’

‘’ Stop that I will lose my hard-on. Touch yourself too… please?’’

It was weird but Harry’s soft sounds on the other hand of the line already made his groin half-hard.

‘’ What are you wearing, Lou?’’ Harry asked in a hush voice.

‘’ Really?’’

‘’ Fuck, yes. I wish you wear those super short black boxers, so tight around your arse’’

‘’ I just took them off actually’’

Harry groaned loudly. Louis cock was leaking and he grabbed it with an experienced hand and closed his eyes. All his attention focused on his hand and Harry’s panting voice.

‘’ Are you touching yourself?’’

‘’ Yes’’

‘’ Shit, that’s hot. And I know exactly how you are looking while doing it, fuck’’

‘’ I wish you are there to kiss me’’ Louis whispered so low he wasn’t sure Harry would have heard.

‘’ Yes, Louis, fuck, I wish I was there too. I would kiss you on your pretty collarbone where I know you like it. And I would touch your arse, I would cup it with my hands. So full, fuck, I’m close, so… round and mine’’

Louis moaned as he imagined Harry’s hands caressing his buttcheeks. The familiar feeling of climax was already building in him, he was so eager to feel it that he pumped faster, rougher.

‘’ Shit, Haz, if you were there I would bite you everywhere you would want me too. I would pined you down on the bed, fuck…’’

‘’ I’m gonna come, Lou, oh FUCK’’

Louis heard heavy breathing and soft whimpers on the other line and the thought of Harry all flustered and red cheeks made him come over his hand and stomach. They both panted heavily, catching their breaths in sync.

‘’ Happy birthday, Lou’’

Louis turned his head to see what time it was: 12:01.

‘’Merry Christmas Harry’’.

** 

It was weird for Louis to be coming back to University before the end of the break. But he had promised Zayn to be there on New Year’s Eve because Niall and Liam invited him to a party and he didn’t want to go alone. Louis was wondering why they invited him in the first place, but Zayn had replied they had hung out a bit when Louis was spending time with Harry. Louis was in the train and counting every single trees that his eyes met. He hadn’t talked to Harry since Christmas but it was okay. He knew Harry was safe and that’s all that mattered. He closed his eyes, ignoring the sound of the few people around him. And then he was gone.

He woke up suddenly looking through the window, his counting habit starting off again. He had dreamed of Harry being killed. He was making that dream (and its variations) almost every night he wasn’t with him. He was now use to it since he always made them about family members or Zayn. But his dreams about Harry were more vivid and more powerful and that was frustrating him. He was doing his best not to care but his subconscious mind was playing his own game. If he already had those dreams without caring he couldn’t think about what it would be if he was more invested in that ‘’relationship’’. He shook his head slightly to get the idea out as the train made it to a stop. He took his bag and headed off quickly. As he stepped outside, he took his phone out of his pocket.

_Guess I’ll see you tonight at the party, x. –H._

Louis sighed and didn’t reply. He decided to call Zayn. After three ringing he finally answered.

‘’ Louis!’’

His voice was a bit different.

‘’ Zayn, y’alright mate?’’

‘’ Yeah. Are you here?’’

‘’ I’m at the train station, gonna take the bus in a few’’

Louis heard chuckled noises in the background.

‘’ Oh my fucking god! Don’t tell me I just call you during fucking time?’’

‘’ What?! No!’’

‘’ I heard freaking giggles!’’

‘’ It’s Niall mate!’’

‘’ Oh, silly me, sorry.’’

Muffled sounds and a laughing ‘’stop it’’. Louis furrowed his brows.

‘’ What the fuck dude? Are you smoking?’’

‘’ Talk to ya later, mate! Tonight gonna be dope!’’

Louis sighed and put his phone back in his pocket. It seemed like Zayn didn’t really need him there after all. He shoved his earplugs back in and turned up the volume of his IPod. The bus ride was a perfect example of his fucked up mind: always alternating between a semi-unconscious sleeping mood and wondering if he would have time to reorganize his entire room before tonight. He was about to give up for the first option when someone shook a hand in front of him waiting for him to take his bag of the seat next to him. He looked up at the person as he did. Rather tall, brown hair, could be cute. He might have seen him somewhere. He was about to plug back in one of his earplug that have fell off in the process when he overheard the conversation the other man had on the phone. It wasn’t like he was listening but at the mention of the name, all his brain was now fully awake.

‘’ Yeah, Harry, sure, I know it’s over, but you can’t say it wasn’t fun’’

No fucking way. It wasn’t him.

‘’ I just missed you. And yes everything is done with Ben I swear! And you know it always been you’’

‘’ Come on’ Styles, you won’t regret it you know it!’’

Louis sat straight feeling nauseous. He couldn’t believe someone was flirting with… Harry; next to him. What the fuck were the odds? It’s not like he was jealous or upset but how fascinating was it that the ride back to the dorm counted exactly 384 buildings and houses? As soon as he opened the door of his room, he started to organized everything. Paperwork in date order, every piece of clothing folded and color coordinated and everything needed to be perfectly aligned. He made and remade his bed six times before being satisfied.

Fuck. Fucking Harry Styles with his fucking fuck buddies. Because of him, his OCD was getting worse and worse every fucking day. It wasn’t fair. Louis just wanted to NOT CARE about anyone for God’s sake.

 

He took a long shower, hot boiling water burning his now paled winter skin. He dressed up with a black skinny jeans and a burgundy shirt. He took time to style his hair for once but left the little facial hair he had. What he had with Harry wasn’t going to stop so he might try to enjoy the most he could out of it. Why was it always supposed to be complicated? Why was he had to think about anything at all? He needed to stop thinking. Why was it so hard now? Why? His train of thoughts was interrupting by a soft knock at his door.

‘’ I just thought I would passed by before heading …’’ Harry began taking off his shoes and his coat but was caught mid-sentence when he laid his eyes on Louis.

‘’ What?’’ Louis said, touching his face.

Harry blushed; his gaze looking down to his feet.

‘’ Erm… You look great’’

Louis smiled. Exactly the impression he wanted to exhale. He couldn’t help but noticed the way Harry tugged at his plaid shirt nervously.

Louis head to his desk and quickly grabbed something from one of the neat drawer. He presented him two little green pills. He had time to buy them from a little pusher in Doncaster before heading back.

‘’ Erm… You want to take that?’’

‘’ Yes.’’ He popped the pill and swallowed it without any effort.

‘’ Do you need water?’’

‘’ Yeah’’

Louis gave Harry a glass of water chasing quickly the bit of guilt he felt seeing the hesitance in Harry’s movements.

‘’ I’ve never done Ecstasy before’’ Harry simply said before swallowing it.

‘’ Me neither! But it will be fun! You know what it’s supposed to do right?’’ Louis moved his eyebrows suggestively. Harry let out a little laughed before checking his watch.

‘’ We must go, yeah? Before we can’t think of anything but taking each others clothes off’’

Louis laughed and gathered his things quickly.

‘’ Tonight is gonna be EPIC!’’


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big triggers about self-harm.

The music was loud and pounding in his head. They just arrived at that bar were the party was set to be. Louis’ arm was brushing his and sending electrics shocks all over his spine. Everything was completely blurry but everything felt so clear at the same time. Harry was searching through the massive amount of people for Niall or Liam but he wasn’t really able to concentrate on the task and just leaned a little more against Louis’ side. Human contacts were great; Louis’ skin was just the right temperature still cool from outside but had been kept warm by the coat he just took off. If Harry could choose a right temperature for everything in life, it would be the exact temperature of Louis’ arm against his.

‘’ Here they are!’’ Louis yelled in his ear, soft breath dancing on the shell of his ear making his way down his back. He followed Louis until they reached a table on the far right corner of the bar or was it the left? Either way it didn’t matter. Everyone seemed excited to see them and Niall, Zayn and Liam were there, already drinking heavily.

‘’ I wasn’t sure you were going to make it mate!’’ Liam clasped a hand on Harry’s back making Harry leaned into the touch. It was so hot in there. He already missed Louis’ perfect heat.

‘’ We were a little bit taken aback because we took some MDMA’’ Harry giggled in Liam ear. His skin was really soft. Would it be too much if he just pepper kissed it?

‘’ What?’’ Liam asked over the loudest of music.

‘’ We took **_ecstasy’’_**

‘’ Does it feel good?’’

‘’ Yes, but I already feel it and it’s only been…’’ he checked his watch but wasn’t really able to read the time properly. ‘’It wasn’t long ago’’

Liam laughed loudly before accepting the shot Niall gave him drinking it by pushing his head back and Harry noticed his Adam’s apple moving in a steady rhythm. Harry looked around and saw a lot of people dancing, sweating, sucking on each others tongues and it was so arousing, he needed to touch them. He got up in the intention to do so while Louis grabbed him by the wrist. Oh, new feeling of being touched, he could feel his pulsating blood running underneath the grip. He looked down at Louis, his feather hair a bit messier than before, bleu eyes shinning like the sun. Would he turn Harry down if he tried to kiss him in front of all these people? He really needed to feel something, anything and his thin hot mouth on his was very appealing at this right instant.

‘’ Sit down, we are going to take shots!’’

Harry obeyed, sliding in the space right next to Louis. They were so close to each other their sides were touching from arms to feet and for now it was enough satisfaction for Harry to stay. So they all drank and they all laughed and Harry was feeling giggly and happy. Louis would subtly flirt with him, brushing his foot on his leg, running his hand on his back, but Christ, it wasn’t enough in the state Harry was. It was too much teasing with no real release. It was soon enough ten seconds before midnight and Liam was grapping a random girl on the dance floor and sat her on his laps and it was five seconds and Niall’s hand was way too much close from Zayn’s face. Harry looked over at Louis who’s mouth was hanging open and it was zero and Zayn kissed Niall and Niall returned the kiss and Harry squeezed Louis’ lap and detached his gaze from their friends cause he needed to kiss someone, and he wanted to kiss Louis and if their friends were able to kiss even though they might be joking so do Harry and Louis and he grabbed his face and he kissed him.

It was just his mouth and Louis’ mouth, his plump lips against the smaller ones. And Harry let his tongue out and slid inside that delicious entrance. Soft kisses followed by hard ones and hands grapping a thigh and Louis’ hands against his chest. And it felt **_AMAZING_**. And he wanted more, so much more, so he backed off from Louis’ face and was about to kiss his neck when he saw fear across Louis’ eyes.

‘’ I’m sorry’’ Harry let out softly, too softly because Louis didn’t seemed to catch it or it was maybe because he was distracting by their friends on the other side of the table were the mysterious girl on Liam’s laps was laughing hysterically at Liam and Zayn kissing just in front of Niall. And Harry was jealous because he wanted to kiss them too, he wanted to kiss someone so badly and Louis wasn’t able to give him that.

‘’ Look, they are all doing it, it’s not that bad’’ Harry said placing a hand on Louis’ neck ready to start making out again. **_He needed it._**

‘’ No. It’s not the same!’’ Louis said taking off Harry’s hand from his neck.

‘’ Come on’ Louis! You can’t just fuck with me in the bedroom and ignore me in public!’’

‘’ You just fucking don’t understand!’’ Louis cried pushing him so he could run off.

‘’ Louis! Wait! That’s not what I meant!’’

He stormed off after him pushing people from his way only focusing on the only hope of burgundy he would see. But then he lost it when he bumped into a royal blue shirt. A familiar scent of strong cologne invaded him as soon as it hit his nose: Nick.

‘’ What a surprise from my little Hazza’’

‘’ Don’t call me that, I’m in a hurry right now so move’’

‘’ You don’t want to kiss me Happy New Year?’’

The smell was strong but reassuring. Big hands were resting on his hips, grabbing him firmly. His heart what pounding and his head went from _LouisLouisLouis_ to _NicktouchingsomeoneNick_. And when Nick kissed him he let himself sunk into the embrace and replied back because he needed to be held, to be touch, to be kissed and to be loved. And he knew Nick wasn’t giving him the latter but at that precise moment it felt like it and he needed it. And when Nick closed slowly the gap between their bodies Harry didn’t move. And when Nick tongue brushed his lips he opened them. But the feeling wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t that small tongue shying to pick through, it was aggressive and needy and it wasn’t Louis. And if Harry had to choose between two people that didn’t love him, he would choose Louis because he wanted to help him. But before he could process his body to move and go after Louis, Nick was thrown on the floor.

‘’ You are a fucking asshole’’ Louis spited at Nick an accusative finger pointed at him. Harry grabbed Louis’ arm both to calm him down and to reassure himself he was really there. But the gaze Louis gave him was pure disgust and it was like Louis’ arm was burning underneath his touch and Harry quickly removed his hand.

‘’ You fucked it up **_again_** ’’ Louis yelled at him before turning on his heels and disappearing in the crowd leaving Harry as confused as ever.

**

Louis had barely time to put on his jacket before storming off the club, pushing and insulting everyone on his path. Drunk people were shouting back at him but he brushed it off, he had just ruined everything. Why Harry would want to spend time with someone like him? He wasn’t even able to kiss him without feeling like everyone will judge him. He wasn’t able to let himself go, because as much as he wanted to say that he didn’t care about what people would think of him, he didn’t want to look like a fag. When he was alone with Harry it was fine because he could forget about the world it was just him and a pair of green eyes. But with people surrounding them it just felt more real, more like a ‘’relationship’’, more like a investment he needed to take care off, if it was out, if people saw it, it would mean it was real. It wouldn’t be his little secret anymore and wouldn’t be able to convince himself that he didn’t care because everyone would be able to remind him that it was false. That he did care about the younger boy and that it hurt him when he saw his lips on that ugly guy. But anyway he ruined it and threw all the blame on Harry like he always did when something didn’t please him. But this time it was different because the guilt was building in him and it never happened before. He was never guilty of making people upset. But it felt wrong to accuse Harry because he clearly didn’t deserve it. They weren’t exclusive and it was Louis that imposed that to him. He was the one hiding himself in all possible ways. He was the one wanting to avoid questions. He was the one to blame, he was the one that fuck things up, and he was the one that ruined everything. **_And it was too much to handle_**. So he started running, cars brusquely stopping to let him cross roads. The air wasn’t coming normally to his lungs anymore but it didn’t matter. He was so ashamed to be himself; he needed to pay for it. He only took time to catch his breath once he was back to his room, in his perfectly organize room, but the net wasn’t enough right now to calm his heaving chest. He was such a piece of crap. All these years of thinking he was better than everyone else when he was just a pathetic. A memory of curly hairs flashed in his mind, he lost him, he lost Zayn, he lost Lottie to Martin and soon enough he will lose the younger ones to. He was nothing for anyone. Draining himself to his tiny bathroom he opened the cabinet. It was not like he was looking for them, they just were there, waiting for him: pretty, shiny razors blades waiting for him. How funny he decided not to shave earlier. It’s like they were looking at him, teasing him, daring him to use them. He took one and fall down on the floor his head banging against the wall. That was it. He would count ten seconds.

 

**One**

Harry back in the coffee shop. Louis was a piece of shit.

 

**Two**

The library. Louis was a fag.

 

**Three**

The party. Watching Harry sucking off Nick. He was perverted.

 

**Four**

Jogging in the park. He was an idiot.

 

**Five**

The bar. Fuck, he was so naive.

 

**Six**

The convenient store. A anxious dude with no balls.

 

**Seven**

His dorm. Not even worth to be spending the night with.

 

**Eight**

His dorm. Again. Being a vulnerable whiny little bitch.

 

**Nine**

The next morning. Covered with come like the slut he was.

 

**Ten**

The time he knew he let himself open just a bit too much.

 

And with a deep breath, he sliced the inside of his left wrist the pain going from his mind directly to his arm, and he sliced again, he needed ten of them. To remind him how he sucked, how he could lose who he was in only ten meetings. He was that weak. And he wasn’t thinking anymore just cutting and it felt good. His head was light again and he could focus on the blade on his arm looking at the last deep cut perfectly aligned with the others and his forearm covered with blood. As soon as he was done, the door of his dorm opened and from where he was sitting on the too white, now blood-ish floor, his gaze met Harry’s terrified one. It seemed like hours before Louis opened his mouth in a miserable attempt to make himself look like he was in control, like he knew what he was doing:

‘’ You just don’t know who I really am’’


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure smut. Threesome with Zayn/Liam/Niall. It doesn't affect the storyline in any point or form it was for my only pleasure.

‘’ Mate you just have to put the key in the lock’’ Niall whispered in Zayn’s ear resting one hand on his lower back sending goosebumps all over his body.

‘’ I’m trying!’’ he wasn’t able to stop shaking and Liam’s gaze on his face wasn’t helping anything.

‘’ Come on’ I need to go to the loo’’ Niall clenched his hand around Zayn’s jacket.

‘’ Just go down the hall and come join us after’’ Zayn murmured, regretting it as soon as the hand left its spot on his back.

It was four AM and they were all three wasted. Since his dorm was a lot closer than theirs he invited the two boys to sleep on his couch and floor.

‘’ Let me do it Zayn’’ Liam took the key from Zayn’s hand and he would have swear he let them brushed longer than necessary. Liam opened the door like it was nothing and Zayn sighed as Liam laughed loudly resting his face on Zayn’s shoulder.

‘’ I swear we drink the same amount’’ Liam lifted his head smiling widely before entering the room taking his shoes off and dropping his coat on the floor.

‘’ It’s just because you are more muscular not because I’m weak’’ Zayn whined before taking off his boots and leather jacket.

‘’ It’s true, you are really skinny’’ Liam laughed before squeezing one of his bicep.

‘’ Whoa. Not that skinny!’’

‘’ I could lift you without any struggle if I try’’

‘’ Bullshit’’ Zayn said before pushing Liam by his chest. He wondered if he had a six packs but quickly shook the idea off his mind.

‘’ Let me show you then’’

Before Zayn could do anything Liam scooped his arms underneath his armpits and lifted him easily. Only by reflex, Zayn intertwined his legs around Liam’s waist and his arms around his neck for stability. Liam was smiling at him like he was saying ‘’I told you so’’. But Zayn could only focus on the way his muscles were clenching around him as he moved his arms to have a better grip.

‘’ You still seem to struggle a bit. Put me down, it’s okay. It will be our little secret’’ Zayn teased him.

Liam walked to the bed and drop him slowly. Zayn untangled his arms from Liam’s neck but not his legs from where they were lock.

‘’ You can let me go now’’

‘’ Nope’’ The view Zayn had was just too much: strong arms crossed against a chest, awkward smile on his face, hair completely messed up. He could feel Liam’s back muscles working to maintain himself steady. Zayn would just have tightened his legs moving them toward him and Liam would lose his stability. He had already forgotten how it was to kiss him. Zayn had always been curious to go further with boys. He had already ‘’snog’ many of them but never fucked one properly. And it’s been more than a month since he broke up with Perrie. Not that he was sad or anything; he was horny. So it was only natural that his legs moved against his reason and made Liam dropped on the bed over him. His strong arms quickly displayed on each side of Zayn’s head.

‘’ Will you hate me if I try to kiss you again?’’ Zayn let out in a drunken whisper.

But before Liam could answer anything the door straight opened and Niall stumbled inside.

‘’ Lads! Fuck I just …’’ his speech cutting short as his eyes widened at the sight.

‘’ It’s not what it looks like’’ Liam said struggling to back off from Zayn’s embrace, blushing heavily.

‘’ I don’t care, really. Just don’t make too much noises’’ Niall shrugged before stripping off from his coat and t-shirt. ‘’Gonna sleep there’’ he pointed the couch. His hair were spreading out in every way and his pale chest made Zayn’s breathing hitched. The fact that he wouldn’t mind them fucking on the bed while he was three feet away made Zayn going mad. He got up and pushed Niall on the wall roughly.

‘’ That hurts mate! I said I wouldn’t mind!’’

‘’ I know’’ Zayn mumbled his face very close from Niall forehead. He could just peck it and maybe Niall wouldn’t notice.

‘’ What’s ya doing?’’

‘’ Want to kiss you… shit that’s weird innit?’’

Niall shrugged again, glassy blue eyes looking straight to Zayn’s mouth. Zayn had to bit down the moan he was holding when his hand went from the wall behind Niall to his hair. The blue eyes fluttered shut as Niall was leaning into the touch. Zayn moved his hand to the bright cheek running his thumb over the apple of it. He moved it down again ghosting over his neck, reaching his arm, stroking it gently.

‘’ I’m gonna kiss you now’’ He leaned slowly and apply his mouth on Niall’s. Fuck. It didn’t felt like it did at the bar. It was more sensitive, more arousing, more sexual. It still had an aftertaste of beer but mint chewing gum was now covering it up a bit. Niall groaned and pushed back against Zayn’s mouth, his bare chest meeting his clothed one. Before he could proceed what was going on he felt hands caressing his hips from behind. And then he moaned. The hands went under his shirt slowly feeling his back and tummy. They lifted it which broke the kiss between him and Niall. But even before it hit the floor, Niall found his mouth again and Liam attacked his back with his kisses. Zayn didn’t know where to focus, pretty mouth and tongue on his or lips and teeth between his shoulder blades. Liam’s hand touched every part of Zayn’s skin he could find. Adding pressure each time he felt Zayn trembling under his palms. Niall’s mouth found his way to his neck, sucking hard until Zayn whimpered. He felt one of Liam’s hands leaving his back to grab Niall’s hip pushing him against the wall. The fact that he could do it only with one hand made Zayn leaned back on Liam, because shit that was so hot. Already bruising lips went back to the nape of his neck and when Zayn’s back hit Liam naked chest, he cried before attacking Niall’s collarbones in a whimper.

‘’ It’s … just… a … one… time… thing… right?’’ Liam asked in-between kisses and groans.

The other two nodded quickly. Niall’s hand reached around Zayn’s waist and glided his hand on Liam’s torso.

‘’ Never thought you had that in you, Payne’’.

‘’ Don’t tease’’

‘’ I’m not’’ his hand trailed from his flushed chest to his belt and unbuckled it. Liam removed it and Zayn felt his hands brushing his bum. He rested his head on Niall’s shoulder in a poor attempt to calm down his breathing. He felt Liam’s hand in his hips turning him slowly and Zayn rested his head against Liam’s shoulder instead.

‘’ I’m gonna lift you’’ and he did as a perfect replica from earlier. He dropped him on the bed and Zayn smiled as he saw that Liam did have a six pack. His legs still hooked, he shyly brought one hand to it and brushed it against the hard muscles. Liam closed his eyes letting out the first sound of contentment of the night.

‘’ Fuck, Liam don’t restrain yourself so much’’ Zayn said giving a little tug with his leg meeting his mouth as soon as it crashed his. Zayn lost no time and unzipped Liam’s jeans quickly, running a hand on this edge of his bum. Luckily, Niall was already working Liam’s pants out moving Zayn’s legs of the way. Liam laid down next to Zayn’s burying his face on the comforter as Niall worked on taking care off the other two pairs of pants.

‘’ I can’t believe we’re doing this’’ Liam mumbled onto the sheets.

‘’ We can still stop if you want to…’’

‘’ What?! No! Not this far in’’ Niall objected grapping Zayn’s hardened cock through his underwear.

‘’ Fuck’’ Zayn pushed forward into Niall’s touch. But then he looked at Liam, to see if he was okay. He was biting his lips, eyes completely closed, face now buried against him. Zayn adventured one hand down his stomach, reaching the hem of his boxer. Liam whispered something and blushed.

‘’ That’s so fucking hot, fuck’’ Niall was on his knees just above Zayn’s thighs watching them half naked, face and chest flushed.

‘’ Touch him, Zayn’’

Zayn slowly picked his finger under the thin material, feeling the heat underneath it. His fingertips found the half-hard cock and he slowly let them discovering it. Niall moved a bit and put his hands on the waistband of Zayn’s boxer.

‘’ You lift your bum for me, babe?’’ Zayn did without any hesitation. And he was now naked, exposed in front of two other dudes. It didn’t feel awkward, he just wanted more. So much more. He saw Liam sitting on the bed next to him, big eyes staring at his cock.

‘’ He’s beautiful yeah?’’ Niall asked Liam who nodded, mouth still opened.

Fuck. He needed release. Zayn grabbed his own cock and tugged it a bit, his gaze alternating between Niall and Liam. He wasn’t able to make a choice.

‘’ Niall touched him’’ he moaned.

‘’ What?!’’

‘’ Touch. Liam.’’ He was pumping himself painfully slow. Liam’s gazed never left his cock and Zayn could see the bulge growing quickly under the grey underwear. Niall’s hand was on Liam hip and the other worked his underwear out of the way. They were now both on their knee facing each other near Zayn calves as he was comfortably lying on the bed, teasing himself. Niall took off his own boxer, his pale cock leaking already. Niall closed the gap between them kissing Liam roughly, hands exploring the new body in front of him. He grasped Liam’s bum making him jerked against him. And then Niall took Liam’s cock in his hand and started to slowly stroke it.

‘’ Shit’’ Liam moaned as closed the gap between him and Niall, hiding his face from their view. More Niall pumped him, more Zayn could see Liam’s grip tightened around Niall’s neck as the blond one kissed the shoulder exposed to his mouth. Zayn managed to grab Liam arm and made him laid down next to him.

‘’ Hey!’’ Niall whined taking his now useless hand to stroke himself lazily.

‘’He’s shy. No need to expose him.’’ Yeah that, and the fact that Zayn was fucking jealous right now.

‘’ So, what do you think about us giving him a show instead?’’ Niall proposed slowly kissing Zayn’s thighs, licking patterns. Zayn’s pumped his dick a bit faster, moaning as he felt Liam humping his side, kissing it, face hiding. He slowly stroked his back with his free hand. Niall made his way up moving Zayn’s working hand out of the way. He took the tip of his cock, putting his tongue on it like it was a freaking lollipop before looking for Zayn’s reaction.

‘’ More’’ he groaned and Niall obeyed taking him completely, bobbing up and down a couple times before leaving his aching cock free and wet.

‘’ Shit I want to fuck you Zayn’’

Zayn’s head was spinning and he heard a fainted ‘’yes’’ from his side. He nodded quickly because Liam wanted to watch and that was fucking hot. He told Niall to go grabbed the lube and condom from the bathroom cabinet and he felt a reticent hand grabbing his cock.

‘’ I …’’ Liam began moving himself to find Zayn’s neck.

‘’ Do it, please’’

And Liam began to pump him hesitantly.

‘’ It’s okay?’’

‘’ Fuck, yes, Liam, yes, it’s very okay’’

‘’ Holy shit’’ Niall said as he came back already prepping his finger with lube. He climbed on the bed and spread Zayn’s leg widely. Zayn’s foggy mind wasn’t thinking anymore, he was just feeling pleasure, pleasure everywhere.

‘’ Oh my fucking god’’ Niall swore as he slowly inserted one finger in. Thank God Liam was still slowly pumping him because it wasn’t all pleasure anymore.

‘’ Are you okay babe?’’ Niall asked, kissing his nipples slowly.

‘’ Yeah… I think… fuck, Liam!’’

‘’ Hey Li, drop him a bit, I don’t want him to come too soon, yeah?’’

Liam nodded before moving his hand across Zayn torso, resting it on his chest. Liam slowly kissed Zayn’s bruised mouth.

‘’ I’m gonna add another one Zayn’’ Niall advised him as he aligned another finger a bit roughly and Zayn winced.

‘’ Sorry, it’s just. Fuck you are so tight I mean, I just can’t wait to put my cock in’’

Zayn blushed and Liam smiled at him. Zayn grabbed Liam’s cock and pumped it carefully.

‘’ Zayn’’ Liam shivered on his mouth, moving back to the crook of his shoulder. The feeling of pain slowly made place to pleasure again and Zayn cried when Niall it the right spot.

‘’ Finally’’ Niall groaned as he pumped his fingers quicker.

‘’ Can I fuck you now? Christ’’ Niall pumped his cock with his other hand forcefully.

‘’ Yes, Niall, go, fuck me’’

‘’ Oh my God’’ Niall removed his finger too fast from him and he whimpered at the lost. But Liam put his hand back on his cock and it was better.

‘’ You’re doing so fine, Liam, I swear’’

‘’ I don’t think I’m that drunk anymore’’

Zayn wasn’t very drunk either but still it was so good, he couldn’t even think of stopping. He stroked Liam cock with more pressure and Liam moaned his name before biting his nipple, distracting Zayn from Niall’s cock already aligned to his rim. He slowly, painfully pushed in his heat, closing his eyes from the pressure. Once he was fully in he stopped, breathing loudly.

‘’ Never fuck anyone so tight before, I swear you must have never bottomed before’’

Zayn stayed silence, feeling embarrassed for the first time. Niall opened one eye and groaned loudly before lifting Zayn a bit to readjust himself. He bent over him and kissed him.

‘’ Fuck don’t tell me you never did this before?’’

Zayn blushed and Liam gasped running his hand on his tone stomach.

‘’ Fuck, are you kidding? That’s so fucking hot, I’m gonna come’’ Niall started moving slowly at first but Zayn wasn’t able to proceed anything. It was just cock in, cock out, cock in, cock out and hand on him, hand not on him, hand on him, hand not on him. It was also Liam, Niall, Liam, Niall.

‘’ Zayn, touch me more’’ Liam pleaded, prepping himself on his back next to him, shyness fading a bit away as the pleasure took its place. And Zayn tried the best he could to pumped Liam’s dick in the position he was but it was difficult.

‘’ Holy shit, wait a minute, I’m gonna flip you over’’ Niall let his cock free from Zayn’s hole and asked him to go on his hands and knees. As he shakily did, Liam propped himself where Zayn was so he was sitting just in front of him, his cock at Zayn’s eye level.

‘’ Fuck, that’s so fucking hot, shit’’ Niall swore as he entered Zayn’s rim without caring. Zayn reacted loudly before steadying himself on one hand, bringing the other one to Liam’s dick. Zayn had a full view of Liam’s face, cheeks red and lips swollen. His eyes were closed and soft moans were escaping his mouth.

‘’ Does it feel good Zayn?’’ Niall asked tightening his grip on his hips.

‘’ Fuck, yes’’

‘’ Oh shit, I’m gonna come’’ Liam announced and Zayn stroked harder, exaggerating his own moans to help the other boy coming. Niall slowed his trusts a bit watching Liam’s face getting more and more pleasured as Zayn worked him to climax.

‘’ Come for me, Liam, it will be so hot if you come, fuck, for me’’ Zayn asked thrusting back on Niall’s dick.

With a few more tugs, Liam let out a strangle cry and come over his own chest, one hand tight in the sheets and the other one grasping Zayn’s forearm.

‘’ Holy shit, I’m gonna come too Zayn’’ Niall quickened his pace as he let one of his hand took care of Zayn aching penis. It was two minutes of panting and moaning. Zayn even had the force to trust back every times but Niall lost it before him, coming hard into Zayn. He worked his orgasm out and before even removing the condom he flipped Zayn over and put his mouth on his red cock. He stroked the base of it with his hand and Zayn came immediately in a groan down Niall’s throat. Panting, he rested his head on the mattress near Liam’s hip waiting for his senses to come back. He heard Niall cleaning himself up and coming back to clean Liam up. He helped Zayn going under the sheets as Liam slid next to him, big spooning him. Niall grabbed a pillow from the couch and made his way on the other side of Zayn and Zayn let slowly his arm embracing Niall’s waist.

‘’ It was just a one time thing, yeah?’’ Liam reminded them.

They nodded for themselves as they fell asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've listen to Mr. Colson by Cassie Steele while writing this. Major feels.

You know that stupid metaphor where time seemed to freeze in a moment of intense emotion? Well, nothing seemed more accurate to represent the situation Harry was in. And he hated it. Harry could have sworn he stood there for hours before being able to proceed. When his senses finally came back it was all at once and he would have sold his soul to be immune to any kind of emotion. His eyes were on Louis but his mind was somewhere else. It was the best he could do to avoid feeling something. Because if he would let himself do, it would crushed him, destroyed him, ruined him. So his eyes saw and his ears heard but it was just a mechanism. He saw the blood, he saw the blade, he saw the cuts, he saw Louis, he saw his pain. He heard the words Louis said, he heard the ice cold tone behind it, he heard every single heart beat his own body produced. He saw and he heard but he stayed there on the edge of the open door unable to do anything else.

‘’ You can go now’’ Louis’ voice echoed in the room.

He wasn’t hiding himself, he wasn’t horrified of what he just did, he wasn’t crying, he wasn’t angry; he was numb. Like him. And that’s why Harry move toward him, slowly, without urge and sat in front of him, his back leaning against the bathroom cabinet. And he studied him like he was a piece of art, like he wanted to memorize every aspect of that terrible scene, like he wanted to be so full of it that he wouldn’t be able to think about it after that. His fringe was flat on his forehead, his skin was pearly from sweat, his eyes were dead, his lips were pinched together, his neck was tensed, still the same burgundy shirt, the same biceps, the same right forearm, (inhale) right hand clenched around a blade, left arm red, all red, just red. Multiple cuts were visible, so much more visible this close, left hand collecting a part of the blood (exhale). Same tummy, same legs, same feet. Harry’s gaze came back to Louis’ face.

‘’ It’s scary don’t you think?’’ Louis asked.

Harry didn’t answer. He was sure he never saw a cut on Louis’ body before. Was it the first time he cut himself? Was… Was it because of him? Did he put too much pressure on him? Louis’ head was lolling against the wall, a little smile hanging on his lips.

‘’ The perfect Louis Tomlinson, captain of the football team, best actor of his cohort, everyone know Louis Tomlinson right? Everyone want to be friend with him, all the girls want to be seen with him. He has everything everyone has ever wanted.’’

A cynical laugh escaped his lips.

‘’ If they knew they wouldn’t stay very long didn’t they?’’ His icy blue eyes met his for the first time. ‘’ The fact that you stay that long make you as fucked up as I am’’.

Harry wanted to tell him how wrong he was. He wanted to tell him that it wasn’t fucked up because it was who he was. He was hurt, much more than Harry had thought, but he wasn’t fucked. Harry got up, slowly, his body still heavy from the mixed up of emotions caught in his stomach.

‘’ I knew you were better than that’’ Louis let out eyes dropping on his arm again. ‘’Say hi to your lover for me’’

Harry held that infinite breath inside of him. He pushed the shower curtains and made the water run to fill up the tub. He grabbed the bubble bath and added a generous amount to the water. When he turned around, Louis was looking at the running water. Harry sat on his knees in front of him. Louis wasn’t facing him now. His breathing was so slow, Harry wondered if he was about to fall asleep. He took the blade from Louis’ hand and threw it in the bin. He went to the bedroom and chose a pair of sweatpants and a simple white t-shirt from Louis’ perfectly organized drawers and came back to put them on the counter top near the sink. Then, he took the tissues box from the shelf above the toilet and sat down, leg crossed, in front of Louis. He took one tissue and slowly pressed it over Louis’ forearm. The older boy winced at the gesture his gaze still hypnotizing by the boiling water slowly filling up the bathtub. When most of the blood was off his arm, he cleaned up Louis’ hand and the few drops on the tills. He threw the tissues and stopped the water. He sat down again and took the hem of Louis’ shirt, carefully helping Louis taking it off.

‘’ You know what’s funny? It’s your entire fault. I was happy before you.’’

‘’ Were you?’’ Louis gave him an unimpressed look. Harry helped him getting up and unbuckled his belt before freeing him from his pants. His words were hurting but Harry didn’t have time to acknowledge them. He took his gaze off Louis as he finished undressing and searched for a clean facecloth. He heard gentle splashing sounds and when he knelt outside of the bathtub, Louis was already submerged and only his head and left arm weren’t under water. Harry drowned the facecloth in the bath and squeezed it to take off the excess of water. He run it smoothly over the redness of Louis’ forearm making him whimpered. Harry leaned over Louis to take the soap but he dropped it in the water. He let his hand wandered to find it brushing Louis’ skin. Harry looked to see his reaction: none. He finally found the soap and retrieved it from the hot water. He rubbed it quickly on the newly wet facecloth.

‘’ No’’ Louis begged.

‘’ I’m sorry’’. There it was: unspoken apologies. It looked like a simple ‘’sorry, had to do it’’ but it was so much more. From all the emotions he was avoiding to feel, guilt made his way to his whole body. He had to take a moment and he closed his eyes tightly to stop the tears that were already prickling from falling down. When he opened his eyes Louis was looking at him. His blue eyes not so icy anymore.

‘’ Harry…’’

‘’ No, I have to clean them up’’ and he proceeded, ignoring the whimpers coming from Louis’ mouth. He took his time as they settled in silence again. But this time, Harry felt Louis’ gaze on each of his movements and it took everything he had to compose himself, to look like nothing was affecting him. When he finished, he gathered the facecloth and Louis’ dirty clothes and go put them in the laundry basket. He came back and sat down next to the tub, back touching the wall, his face hiding in his knees, waiting. His breathing itched because he was beginning to think too much so he curved his head toward Louis and settled his gaze on the cuts. His mind went careless again as he focused on what he saw. There were ten perfectly aligned cuts one under the other. All about a little bit more than an inch long. Harry sighed and repressed an ironic laugh, ten was such a ‘’Louis’’ number. It was a perfect number, a clean number with a straight bar and a circle, it was net and clear. And like everything Louis did he fucking cut himself with precision and order. A movement in the water woke Harry up from his torpor as Louis proceeded to unfilled the bath. Harry quickly got up to give him a fluffy towel.

‘’ Thank’s’’

Harry stood there awkwardly but didn’t want to live Louis’ side.

‘’ Umm… I gotta use the loo.’’

‘’ Oh yeah, sure’’ Harry left the bathroom and go prepped the sheets of the bed to welcome Louis. He needed to stay occupied. Soon enough he had nothing to do so he waited, sitting on the bed, one foot tapping nervously on the floor. When the door opened, Harry nearly jumped to greet him. But Louis didn’t notice since his glaze was staring at the floor as he tugged his hurt arm against his abs.

‘’We’re gonna go to bed, Louis, okay?’’

‘’ We?’’

‘’ Yes, us’’

Louis nodded and passed in front of Harry, sliding in the bed. He lied on his back, opened eyes fixing the ceiling. Harry climbed in bed on the other side and positioned himself so he was facing Louis. His breathing was evenly and his expression had softened a bit. Harry wanted to touch him. But he was scared to break the progress he made or just to plainly broke him.

‘’ I didn’t mean it’’ Louis whispered eyes still looking up. ‘’ What I said earlier’’

Harry’s let finally out the breath he was holding. He reached Louis’ left hand which was sitting on his belly. He stroked the back of it slowly, carefully.

‘’ But I still don’t get why you are here’’

‘’ Because I care about you’’

‘’ You don’t know me’’

Harry sighed and took Louis’ arm and let it sat near the side of Louis’ body. With his fingertips he brushed the cuts from Louis’ wrist to the crook of his elbow. Up and down, down and up. But his eyes were resting on Louis’ face waiting for any sign of rejection.

‘’ Why aren’t you disgusted by me?’’

‘’ I have no reason to be’’

‘’ I just cut myself like a fucking psycho for Jesus Christ’’ Louis snapped taking off his arms from Harry’s touch. He turned himself away from Harry. He noticed his ribs cage moving quickly from frustration.

‘’ Was it the first time you’ve done it?’’ the question fell out of Harry’s lips before he could stop it.

‘’ No.’’

Silence.

‘’ Last time I was in grade 11 though’’

Silence.

‘’ My dad had called me a faggot because I told him I wanted to do drama. Funny how I really turned out to be one’’

It hit Harry like a ton of bricks. He held angry tears from falling but his trembling voice betrayed him:

‘’ There is nothing wrong with liking men’’.

The heavy breathing suddenly stopped and Louis turned over, panic washing up his eyes.

‘’ Har – It wasn’t – I didn’t… not what I meant’’.

Harry nodded harshly shutting his eyes.

‘’Haz…’’ the voice was soft and hovering above him. He opened slowly his eyes, meeting Louis just a couple of inches from his.

‘’ I’m sorry’’ Louis murmured as he slowly closed the gap between their mouth. It was a gentle kiss, lips brushing and lazy movements. Louis pulled back seconds after, just enough to be able to speak.

‘’ I’m sick Harry’’

‘’ No you are not Louis, that doesn’t –‘’

‘’ No, you don’t get it. I have an illness’’ he pointed his head ‘’There’’.

Harry brought a hand to Louis’ hip tugging him closer.

‘’ Tell me’’

‘’ Harry, I have an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder’’ he let out in a breath. The sight of relief across Louis’ face was overwhelming. It was like all his muscles gave out at the same time, like his secret was so heavy he never really relax in his entire life.

‘’ Okay’’

‘’ Okay? That’s it?’’ Louis raised an eyebrow.

‘’ I just… don’t really know that. Do you want to explain it?’’

Louis pulled back more this time.

‘’ It doesn’t bother you?’’ he asked genuinely surprise.

‘’ Louis, you are ill. It can’t bother me’’

Harry moved closer to him this time. Louis frowned, unsure.

‘’ Do you want to tell me about it?’’

Louis closed his eyes and his lips began to tremble. In a shaky voice he revealed himself:

‘’ I notice everything, but I mean everything. I care about stuff that has no importance what’s so ever. And I’m obsessing over it until I find the answer. I count everything too. And it’s worse when I’m nervous. It calm me down to count, to know how many numbers there are in everything. I know exactly the number of everything in this room. Sometimes it’s not enough though so I organize stuff in order, color and size. I remade the bed six times this afternoon. I was satisfied of the way it looks after five times, but five is an odd number and those make me anxious. Sometimes all this isn’t enough though and I just freak out. You don’t know how it’s like unless you experience it. It’s like there isn’t enough air but too much at the same time. Your heart won’t stop racing and your mind won’t shut up until you do something. But everything you do isn’t working. So you feel like you fail at everything. You already know you fail at a lot of stuff, but in those moments you feel like you even fail at your own mental illness. And that’s a huge failure. I know I sound crazy, but it’s because I am, Harry, I am crazy.’’

His voice cracked on the last word. Harry moved one hand to rest on his hips. He urgently took it away and when he opened his eyes, Harry saw a weird mixture of relief and worry. Harry tried his best to give him an encouraging smile, but fuck it was hard. Louis closed his eyes again and continued:

‘’I don’t know why I do all this but I know I do it since as long as I can remember. When I was young my mum made me go see a therapist and he told her I had that. But I was so scared to disappoint her so I hide it more and for a while it was fine. She thinks I’m okay now, she thinks I’m okay since I am eight years old! No one knows, no one knows. I’m so not okay, Harry, I’m so not okay. And it always gets worse when I’m worried about family or Zayn. It’s like if I don’t count something bad will happen to them. Everything is fine when it’s an even number. And…’’

Louis turned around again and buried his face in the pillow. Harry scooped an arm around him.

«And what ?»

« I’m tired … »

« Go to sleep then, we’ll talk tomorrow»

Louis groaned but within minutes his breathing steadied itself and he was sound asleep. After a few minutes, Harry slowly lifted his arm from the embrace and made his way to the bathroom. That was the real Louis Tomlinson, he thought, a broken boy hiding himself in all possible ways. Tears slowly slid down his cheek without a warning. Harry was sure Louis didn’t deserve the way he was feeling and the injustice hit him as he choked deep sobs, covering his mouth with one hand to muffle the sounds. He slid down the wall in the same spot Louis was earlier. His shoulders were shaking and he cried all he had kept inside that night. The emotions were flooding back so quick he wasn’t even able to understand them. The only thing he knew is that he wouldn’t allow himself to cried in front of the other boy ever again. It wasn’t fair to him, that boy had more pain and more reason to be sad. So Harry cried in silence for what seemed days before he quickly whipped out his eyes, made sure Louis was well tugged under the blankets and left the room.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm now writing this fic at the moment so I'll post once every week or so. I hope you guys enjoyed it and don't forget I'm a french girl, so yeah, mistakes will happen. Any feedback will be great too!

Louis groaned as soon as he opened his eyes. The light was too bright, his head was pounding and his arm was burning. To top it all up he had dreamed of Harry - again. He never dreamed of Harry when they slept in the same bed he reminded himself in a sigh before rolling to the side to meet with him. He raised his eyebrows in surprise when he acknowledged the fact that Harry wasn’t there. Well, at least that was explaining the dream. His sight caught his arm and he mumbled: 

‘’ Jesus fucking Christ, I’m such a loser’’ he had kind off forgot about last night. His foggy mind was left with some unclear memories about him being completely fucked up with everything. He remembered telling Harry about his OCD. **_Fuck_** , he really was pathetic. He roughly buried his head in the pillow; he was about to scream. The last few months had been a real nightmare. He lost touch with almost all his friends, his grades weren’t that good anymore and he didn’t remembered the last time a girl hit on him (except that psycho Eleanor girl). It was also his worse football season since he began university. How was it possible to change so much in so little time? It’s not like it was worth it anyway he was still freaking alone in an empty cold bed (not that he cared about that). When he was sure it would be impossible to fall back asleep, he got up and showered. Each time his arm met his gaze he cringed. These cuts were going to be a trouble to hide. At least it was winter and he knew he had the ability of starting a new fashion trend by wearing only long sleeves shirt. What he needed now was to take his life back in order and to forget about it all and that included mostly Harry Styles. It was not like he needed him or anything. It was not like he was there neither. And he knew too much anyway. 

He decided that three in the afternoon was a good hour to go checking up on Zayn. His friend seemed a bit too distant with him lately. He was always hanging out with that Niall boy. It was Harry Styles’ fault again. If he hadn’t introduced them, he would still feel like he mattered to his friend as much as before. Louis never had competition for Zayn’s attention in the past. He didn’t like it at all. He opened the door of his room without knocking, Zayn never locked it for the purpose of not having to get up to answer.

‘’ Zaynie boy, we are going on a date’’  


‘’ Urrrhmm’’ Zayn grumbled from under the covers of his bed.  


‘’ Shit, I thought I was hangover but you beat me on that!’’ he bounced on the bed and shook the inert mass that he supposed to be Zayn.  


‘’ Lou, shut up’’  


‘’ Come on’ we need to find cute girls to hook up with’’  


Zayn’s head snapped from where it was hiding.  


‘’ Why are you saying that?’’ Louis frowned at the rudeness of his tone.  


‘’ Why not? It’s not like we haven’t done that before’’  


‘’ Yes… but … it was before… you know…’’  


Zayn shifted uncomfortably on the bed, wincing.  


‘’ Anyway, I don’t think I’ll be able to leave this bed today’’  


‘’ What?! Zayn it’s been too long since we hang out just the two of us.’’ Louis was beginning to be pissed off. Why didn’t he want to be with him? Did he change that much that even Zayn wasn’t able to tolerate him? He felt his fingernails marking the back of his hand. Zayn was always there for him before.  


‘’ I’m feeling like shit Louis… Can we just hang out here, in my bed, watching telly?’’  


‘’ I guess’’ Louis shrugged and jumped in the bed next to Zayn. He had to admit that the two Tylenols he took were very effective, maybe Zayn was just grumpy because he really did have a hard hangover. He opened the telly and put a random channel which played reruns of random reality shows.  


‘’ So how much did you drink to be so moody?’’  


‘’ A fucking lot, mate. The same amount of Liam actually’’ he blushed.  


‘’ Yeah, I was pissed too’’  


‘’ You and Harry left early yesterday…’’  


‘’ Yeah.’’ Louis scratched his right forearm underneath his sleeve. Zayn was about to continue but Louis stopped him:  


‘’ I don’t want to see him again’’  


Zayn propped the pillows and sat down.  


‘’ What happened?!’’  


‘’ I think I’m not that into guys after all’’  


‘’ Louis, I don’t buy your shit, okay? I know you like guys and I don’t mind at all, if something happened with Harry, if he had done something…’’  


Louis snapped.  


‘’ God Zayn! Stop it! It’s just that I decided I was better without him. My life sucks since he’s there. You and I barely ever talk and my grades are bad. My life is a mess. So it was a mistake’’  


‘’ Louis, what happened? Your life isn’t a mess, I think you’ve been happier than I ever remember you being since he’s around’’  


Louis let out an ironic laugh.  


‘’ Jesus Christ Zayn why don’t you get it?! I’m not a fucking faggot like him. I’m better, so much better than him and his fucking hipster tastes. He’s done nothing to me except showing everybody how weak I can be. And Zayn, let me remind you, I'm not fucking weak.’’  


He crossed his arm over his chest and let his gaze wonder back to the telly. He wasn’t really watching, just acknowledging the fact that Kourtney was the sexiest of the three sisters. Dead silence was planning between the two, but Louis was fine with it, that meant that his point was going through Zayn’s mind and he approved of it.  


‘’ I had sex with Niall and Liam last night’’ It felt like thunder waking him up from sleep.  


‘’ YOU WHAT?’’ Louis quickly got off the bed.  


‘’ You heard me’’  


‘’ You don’t like dicks, you like girls!’’  


‘’ I like both I guess…’’  


‘’ And you never told me?’’  


‘’ I told you I hook-up with Jay in high school’’  


‘’ I don’t remember that at all!’’  
'

’ Of course not, you never listen when it’s not revolving around you’’  


''Shut up Zayn! Anyway, I know you’ll take a pussy over a dick up your arse in a heartbeat’’  


Zayn frowned and his tone was cold when he spoke again:  


‘’ Judge me, I don’t care. If that’s make me weak, I don’t fucking care. Stop being a prick and assumed who you are because I’m tired of your shit, Louis. Real tired. I thought that Harry changed you, for the better, but I guessed you are as lame as before’’  


Louis fixed his friend with an opened mouth. Zayn had never called Louis on his attitude. Ever.  


‘’ Fuck you!’’ he pointed him with his finger, stormed out of the room and slammed the door on his way. His breathing was accelerating, eight doors until his room. Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneight. He opened it roughly and slammed it behind him. His eyes were closed and he tried to control his breathing as he punched the wall behind him.  


‘’ Fuck’’ he muttered. It wasn’t enough though, his mind was still racing and he couldn’t take it anymore. His head banged on the wall loudly; that wasn’t enough either. He rolled up is left sleeve before he was stopped by a small voice.  


‘’ Louis…’’  


His eyes snapped open. Harry was sitting on his bed, big green eyes drowned with worries. There was no way Louis would let Harry feel sorry for him.  


‘’ What are you doing here?’’ his tone was harsh.  


‘’ Checking on you’’ Harry’s voice was still small but his eyes never left him.  


‘’ I don’t need you checking on me for fuck’s sake! I’m fine! I’m fucking fine!’’  


Harry didn’t say anything.  


‘’ Stop looking at me! Fuck, I’m not an animal!’’  


‘’ Louis, I…’’  


‘’ You know nothing Harry, nothing.’’ He walked toward him and grabbed his shoulders, stabilizing him.  


‘’So stop pretending like you care, and fuck off’’ he was about to push him on the bed but his eyes locked with his and they stayed like this; Louis grasping his shoulders and Harry’s eyes understanding him. Louis’ breathing slowed down and he loosed his grip. It wasn’t the first time Louis looked at Harry’s eyes, but it was the first time they had this effect on him. It was like a smoothing effect, Louis was sure it would have done the same effect if he had taken four sleeping pills.  


Harry lifted one arm and slowly rearranged Louis’ fringe. Louis got weak in the knees from being bent so he let Harry’s shoulders free and sat down. His breathing was normal again. Harry’s hand found his way back to his head, softening the hair on his side and slowly tracing his ear shell. Louis shivered and closed his eyes. He then shook his head; he would never be able to make up his mind. When Harry wasn’t there Louis knew he was better without him but as soon as he was paying attention to him he reconsidered everything. It’s was so exhausting and he was so tired of fighting over all this. Maybe Zayn was right after all … Or maybe not. He didn’t fucking know anymore. He had zero control and that was terrifying. He always had control before... sort of.  


‘’ I’m so tired’’ he sighed.  


‘’ I know’’  


‘’ And I …’’  


‘’ No need to talk, Louis. I know.’’ Harry reassured him.  


‘’ I can’t even have a straight idea in mind’’ he insisted. ‘’ I mean, I hate you, I really do. But … I think I hate myself more, because I let you in and I shouldn’t have’’  


Louis knew it was mean, but in a way he just hoped Harry would be upset and leave… Even though he didn’t really want him to leave. His head was fucked up.  


‘’ I like you’’ Louis opened his eyes and furrowed his brows.  


‘’ No, you don’t’’ He snapped Harry’s hand that was still resting on the side of his face.  


‘’ Yes, I do’’  


‘’ You can’t! You don’t know me!’’  


‘’ Louis we met four months ago, I think I know you a bit’’  


‘’ You fucking don’t, okay?’’ he back off from Harry’s side. His hands were fisting his tights. He felt Harry's gaze burning his face.  


‘’ Your favourite color is blue, you are happier when it’s raining, your favourite day of the week is Tuesday, you desperately want a cat, you prefer hard liquor over beer, you like teasing your sisters, you hate your dad, you play football only because you like the attention you get from it, you prefer being on stage not for the attention but because you like pretending to be someone else, your prefer your tea plain (which is incomprehensible to me by the way), your name is Louis because your grandma forced your mum to named you after Louis King, that shit American actor (personally I don’t know him, that’s what you told me), you surrounded yourself with people because you can’t stand the fact you reject everyone who wants you to matter, you say that you know everyone loves you, but in fact you know they are just admiring that character you show them. I’m sure you don’t gave them 10% of who you really are. I don’t know why you are so insecure about yourself, though. Because never someone made me genuine laugh like you did. I know you have struggles but that’s not what defines you. I know you try to make me go away because you are scared to get attached to me. I know you think by insulting me you will make me leave. But I already said it, I’m done leaving. I’ll always be back, always. I don’t know why but that’s what I will do. And I know now you think I’m the crazy one. But I don’t fucking care okay? I know I’m doing the right thing, because even though you say you hate me, you still open yourself to me and no one has ever give me such trust. So I’ll stay and I’ll listen to you and I’ll try not to ask too many questions. You may think you’re weak because you realize you like boys or because you are not the same with me, but I think you are the strongest person I know to open yourself to someone who you think don’t know you. If I would leave I’ll take that trust with me and I’m scared you won’t be able to give it to anybody else. So I keep it and I’ll wait until you realize that I do know you and that I’m not going anywhere until you understand how strong you are.’’  


All this was the truth. Harry had described him exactly like he was, that messed up person that could make a whole class laugh and that would cut himself the day after. He hated himself to be such an open book. He had never let someone intruded his life like Harry did. He didn't need someone to like him and the fact that Harry supposedly did was scary. But he was tired of holding back. So maybe, just for the rest of the day, he would let himself care.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That one was hard to write. My english wasn't at its best I think. I hope you'll all enjoy it anyway!

They both laid down for the rest of the afternoon. Louis could even say it was enjoyable. Harry made bad jokes and Louis laughed at them. They listened to new music trying to picture every single music video possible for each song. They even took selfies with Harry’s phone. ‘’For science purpose’’ Harry assured him. He convinced Louis to give a call to Zayn to check on him. Louis purposely avoided telling Harry about the reason of the fight; first because he really had been an arsehole and second he didn’t think he was the one to relate Zayn’s sexual activities even though it was with Harry’s best friends. Zayn didn’t answer his call. So he ended up leaving a long voice mail, apologizing for what he had said and that he wasn’t one to judge. Louis never apologized, he just never felt wrong or bad about what he was saying. But this time it was Zayn, his best and only real friend. And after doing it, Louis realized that it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be; in fact he was feeling better.

‘’ Do you want me to call for take over?’’ he asked Harry who was scrolling down his phone.

‘’ Or we could go out to eat?’’

Louis hesitated. They never have been seen in public together except at parties or bars but those weren’t the same; they never been in public together and sober. ‘’I’ll pay’’ he insisted.

‘’ I can’t pay for my own meal, you know, I’m not that poor’’

‘’ I thought it was a date night’’ Harry pouted. ‘’How romantic it would have been? A date on New Year’’

‘’ Shut up’’ Louis laughed.

‘’ Okay, let’s go!’’ Harry smiled while putting on his coat.

‘’ Where?’’

‘’ It’s a surprise’’

 

*

They ended up in a tiny Japanese restaurant; the kind of restaurant that had enough place for twenty people and everything was super cozy and warm. There were only six other people in the room, already eating; a group of four people passionately discussing and a couple holding hands. They sat down and ordered a bit of everything. ‘’The important thing is to taste it all. If not, you won’t be able to know if you like it’’ Harry told him like he was one of those foodies Louis hated. But from Harry’s mouth it sounded like the exact thing to do. So they ate a lot and laughed too loudly for the ambiance earning glances from people sitting at other tables. More than often Louis would felt Harry’s hand on his knee under the table and a smile would display on his face. They ended up drinking a bit too much white wine because ‘’you can’t eat Japanese food without white wine’’ apparently. Louis was feeling tipsy and the familiar feeling washed off the rest of his hangover. After they paid, they wandered outside walking back to the campus.

‘’ We should stop for coffee, Louis. I really want a coffee, but a good one, a good coffee, hot and good.’’ Harry blathered.

Louis looked to his side to capture Harry like that; sparkling eyes from the alcohol and tip of his nose pink from the cold. He replaced his curls for the … In fact, Louis didn’t know because he hadn’t counted that.

‘’ I’ll take a tea, if that’s okay’’

‘’ Of course! Plain tea for not so plain Louis’’ Harry laughed loudly putting a hand over his mouth. He was definitely more affected by alcohol than he was.

‘’ I'm pretty sure we drank from the same bottle of cheap wine’’ Louis teased him. He put his hands in his jacket’s pockets.

‘’ I’m tired and I’m happy’’

‘’ Oh. That would explain everything’’ Louis responded sarcastically.

Harry frowned at him.

‘’ You know what, I’ll order your tea and add loads of sugar to it if you don’t stop right now’’ he warned as they entered a little coffee shop.

‘’ Don’t you dare…’’

‘’ Go sit down, and I will think about it’’ Harry smiled at him, pointing a corner of the place were nobody was in sight. Louis obeyed, rubbing his hands together as he made his way to the table. Harry joined him minutes later with their beverages. His tea was tasty (and not sugary at all) like he loved it. After a while, Harry’s hand found his on the table. His fingers teased Louis’; tasting the water. The fact was that it didn’t bother him. He didn’t even flinch at the first contact and continued telling Harry what that stupid drama teacher made them do in last year of high school.

‘’ … a remake of High School Musical. That’s not fucking theatre!’’

‘’ Who were you playing?’’

‘’ Troy, of course! ‘’

‘’ Of course!’’ Harry laughed loudly; squeezing Louis’ hand in a way to share his enthusiasm. Louis noticed the way Harry slowly leaned toward him...

‘’ Louis?’’ He removed quickly his hand from the table knocking his half-empty cup onto his jeans.

‘’ Fuck’’ he stood up looking at the mess he just did.

‘’ I’m gonna go grab some tissues’’ Harry said.

**That wasn’t happening, that wasn’t happening, that wasn’t fucking happening.**

‘’ You scared the hell out of me, Stan’’ Louis tried to laugh it off.

He grabbed the tissues Harry brought him and dried his jeans.

‘’ What are you doing here?’’

‘’ Just having tea with a friend’’ he pointed Harry which smile had definitely faded ‘’ Stan, Harry, Harry, Stan’’ They shook hands awkwardly. ‘’ What are you doing here?’’ Louis asked.

Stan blushed a bit, running a hand on the nape of his neck.

‘’ I’m on a date.’’

‘’ With whom?!’’ Louis wondered as his eyes trailed off with Stan's toward the ladies room door where a tall brunette just opened the door. She caught his sight, smirking.

‘’ Louis, long time no see’’

‘’ El.’’

‘’ Sorry mate, didn’t…’’ Stan began.

‘’ Don’t worry Stan, you can have all of my left-overs’’

‘’ Louis, I think we should go’’ Harry said grabbing his coat.

‘’ It’s sad, we could have had a double date.’’ Eleanor said putting his arm under Stan’s. ‘’ Let’s go take a table babe, Louis and his boyfriend have to go, it will be for another time, yeah?’’. She glared at him with a satisfying smile on her face as she saw Louis blushed.

‘’ What are you talking about?’’ Stan asked.

‘’ Louis’’ Harry begged. ‘’ Let’s go.’’

‘’ This boy’’ she pointed at Harry ‘’had sucked that cock’’ she pointed to Louis’ crotch ‘’more times than any girl he had dated’’.

Harry was now pulling on his sleeve to make them go but Louis wasn’t able to move, his entire mind was analyzing every part of Stan’s face. And then he saw it; the disgust. Eleanor dragged him away before Louis could do anything. Louis avoided Harry’s gaze and stormed out of the coffee shop but not before flipping the finger in Eleanor’s direction. As soon as he felt the cold air on his skin he started running. He ran until he reached that park he used to jog in. He felt his phone buzzed in his back pocket and slowed down to pick it up.

‘’Hello’’ he answered, breathing heavily as he reached the closest bench he saw.

‘’ I hope … you … understand… that I … will… deserve… something … for running after you for ten minutes… right?’’ Harry breathed on the other hand of the phone.

‘’ Oh shit… I … fuck, Harry, it’s just, that bitch… and I was freaked out…’’

‘’ I know. Oh and I see you’’ he hang up and Louis noticed him walking over.

‘’ I don’t get it’’ Harry whined, sitting down. ‘’ Your tea was plain’’.

Louis turned to face Harry, raising his eyebrows. His face was red from the cold, he was sweating a bit and one of his hands was grasping his side still trying to regain his breath. He was eyeing him from the side and Louis couldn’t help but laugh. Harry was joking about the situation because there was no other thing to do. The fact that Harry was there, genuinely happy with him, right now, after he run out, after he had been a jerk, after yesterday, he was still there. And maybe it was time for Louis to accept the fact that it wasn’t going to change. Oh, and to accept the fact that he didn’t want that to change either.

‘’ What’s the craziest thing you have ever done?’’ Harry asked him when his respiration finally came back to normal.

‘’ Well, nothing, I’m a pretty boring guy if you hadn't noticed. Average to the least ‘’

‘’ Don’t put yourself down, babe. Because tonight that’s gonna change’’ he got up pulling Louis by the hand ‘’ Tonight we’re gonna do something new!’’

Louis raised his eyebrows in questioning but still followed him.

‘’ What do you have in mind Styles?’’

‘’ Tomlinson, this is your initiation to your New Year’s resolutions Styles edition’’

Louis let out a snort earning himself a dark gaze from the other boy.

‘’ Are you laughing at me, Tomlinson? You will remember this next year like the best time of your life. You shouldn’t laugh about it, I swear to God, you’ll beg for more’’ he smirked.

Louis blushed a bit at the innuendo. What was he doing with a boy like Harry? He was such a dork, with completely crazy ideas and big pleading eyes that made it impossible to say no. But he couldn’t deny the excitement rising in the pit of his stomach.

‘’ If you accept there is no coming back. Alright? That’s not the kind of resolutions you can forget in a month. You have to accept every challenge I’ll give you. And you won’t ever know them beforehand.’’

Not knowing… It’s was Louis’ biggest fear. Well, after loosing people he cared about. Louis didn’t know if it was the residue of the wine they drank, but the proposition Harry just made was something so interesting, he was genuinely curious about it. He wanted to try it, and he could just drop it after. It’s not like it was all that serious stuff. Harry always had that goofy idea of life, like nothing really mattered. Louis knew it wasn’t all true and that somehow he was hurt. But he was still trusting Louis enough to be himself around him. He wasn’t afraid of Louis judging him even though that’s what he was known for. Harry was looking past that, past the projection of himself he allowed people to see. Because, maybe, just a bit, Harry might knew him. And for that reason he accepted.

‘’ You really are crazy you know that?’’ Louis laughed, squeezing Harry’s hand which was still in his while they were walking.

‘’ It made my life more interesting that way, I guess. So you accept that or not?’’

‘’ I do.’’

 

*

Harry had absolutely no idea what he was doing. It was again one of his non-sense ideas that just popped into his mind and before he could think them through just blurred out of his mouth. It’s like that time in high school when he decided it would be funny to write several anonymous love letters to that lonely teacher or that time he just let a girl straitening his hair because she was sad and Harry wanted to make her smile. There was a time too when he just had stolen silly stuff from drug stores. Just for the feeling he would get from it. Oh, and he also had an exhibitionist phase, where any public place was good to get laid. That was old time though. If you can say last year was old time. It was just that Harry always wanted to do crazy stupid stuffs to make people better. The way Louis was yesterday just made him realize that he didn’t even try at all before that. They were just in that ‘’relationship’’ always hanging out and making out but that was it. Harry didn’t try at all. The part of him that wanted to win Louis over just took upon him. And that’s how they ended up bursting into a frat party at midnight.

‘’ What are we doing here?’’ Louis asked, slightly uncomfortable.

‘’ Well it’s time to enjoy being young Louis!’’

‘’ Coming to a party isn’t something I never did before you know that!’’

‘’ Oh, I know. But I bet you have never been yourself at a party’’

Louis frowned, backing off from Harry.

‘’ What do you mean?’’ he said harshly.

Harry knew he wasn’t very gentle, but he also knew Louis would react at the confrontation. It needed to be challenging after all.

‘’ You always put an act. But listen’’ He gripped firmly his arms, forcing him to look at him. ‘’ Here, no one knows you. Absolutely no one knows your ‘’reputation’’ so you just can be Louis and not ''Louis Tomlinson''.’’

Harry’s breathing quickened as he saw Louis’ confused eyes. What if it wasn’t a good idea? What if he wasn’t ready? What if?

His train of thought were stopped by Louis’ lips on his; sweet aftertaste of tea and mint. It was needy and Louis tongue wasn’t shy. It was like he was waiting for ages to do something like this. When he pulled back, Harry noticed what he expected. Nobody cared. Nobody was staring; they were just busy minding their own business. He caught Louis’ gaze wandering around, probably getting to the same conclusion as he did. He offered a hand:

‘’Hi, my name is Louis. I should have presented myself before kissing you, but…’’ he shrugged. ‘’ I thought you were cute’’

Harry’s smile was so wide he had to control himself a bit. They ended up in the kitchen and Harry poured them each a shot. Two girls were kissing a boy neck against the counter top. The boy was lighting a joint above them. He eyed them and proposed them to smoke with him. Just fifteen minutes after that Harry already felt dizzy from all the smoke and didn’t resist Louis draining him on the improvised dance floor. Louis put his arms around Harry’s neck and kissed him again. It was slower than the time before, even better if possible.

‘’ I nailed that first bet didn’t I?’’ Louis smiled turning around, making sure Harry’s hand was on his hips as he ground on him slowly in time with the music. Harry closed his eyes humming Louis’ smell.

‘’ You are very naughty, Louis, you know that?’’ he whispered in his ear, giggling a bit.

Louis ground more on him making Harry groaned. The music, the feeling, the freedom, maybe it will be easier than expected to help Louis. He kissed his neck and Louis leaned back on him. Soon enough he turned around, his gaze was a bit glassy from the weed.

‘’ I’m happy!’’ he blurted out, laughing.

‘’ Mission accomplished for tonight then. Get ready for the next one.’’


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm. I really hope you enjoy this fic and reminder that my english sucks because I'm french. I'll work on it eventually.

Harry never had been a really athletic lad but a sport he really enjoyed was swimming. Well, most of the time he was just lying on his back to appreciate the feeling of the cool water on his body. Oh, and he really enjoyed the scent of the chlorine too, which might be weird for a lot of people but it was the two main reasons he went to the pool. He also used to run some mornings when he wanted to feel fresh air on his skin, it mostly ended up with him enjoying music and imagining himself in an action film; it was an entertaining activity. However, he never really understood people who were doing sports for only the competitive side of it. So it was a euphemism to say that Harry was rather annoyed to assist at that first football match of the winter season. The place was packed with full of people cheering and clapping. Harry was sitting between Zayn and Liam on the bleachers of the interior pitch of the campus. Somehow, Louis seemed to have talked things out with Zayn. ‘’We just never fight more than two days, it’s against our policy and it's in our contract’’ he joked to Harry a couple of days earlier when he had asked. Harry couldn’t avoid the little hint of half hidden sadness in his voice though. But still, Zayn was cheering for Louis and Harry had other things in mind. He couldn’t miss the frown look displaying on Louis’ face each time the ball he kicked was intercepted or when someone yelled at him for not running fast enough. He still ended up scoring two goals and made his team won. The victory seemed bitter-sweet for Harry but everyone on their side of the field were celebrating loudly. Louis joined them near his team bench right after the game, smiling from the fact he was crowned ‘’man of the match’’.

‘’ Great game Louis!’’ Liam congratulated him with a clap on the back. ‘’ It was awesome when you pretended to pass the ball but scored!’’

‘’ Thank’s mate!’’

‘’ Lou, we’re still gonna go watch hangover 3 in the lounge later, yeah?» Zayn remembered Louis after hugging him briefly.

‘’ No!’’ Liam protested ‘’I already watched it last week’’

‘’ I didn’t say you were invited!’’ Zayn teased him.

Liam blushed a bit. ‘’But… I’m…’’

Zayn rolled his eyes.

‘’ I’m kidding you twat, you'll need to get use to it. Come with me to the video club then because I don’t know for shit what to pick up’’

‘’ Okay! See you later mates!’’

They quickly left the interior field pushing slightly each other by the shoulders. Harry smiled at them, he was happy that Liam made other friends. He was always attached to his and Niall’s hips since he had broke up with Danielle. After the New Year's Eve party, Liam hung out a lot more with Zayn. Harry always teased him about trying for the other team but Liam just blushed very heavily and Harry didn’t really like embarrassing his friend (at least not that much) so he had stopped it two weeks ago when he started hanging with Zayn pretty much everyday. He returned his attention to Louis. He was gathering his things near the bench as Harry watched him.

‘’ Resolution number two’’ he said putting one hand on Louis’ shoulder.

Louis grabbed his bag and put it on it, moving Harry’s hand in the process. He raised his eyebrows.

‘’ Can I take a shower first?’’ he asked, laughing.

‘’ No… actually, you can’t’’

‘’Why?’’ He seemed already nervous and he tugged at one of his jersey’s sleeve.

‘’ You are going to tell your coach that you are leaving the team’’

Louis laughed giving his back a couple of pats. 

‘’ Wow, good one Haz, I almost thought it was true. Now let me shower and we can go on your adventure, yeah?’’

Harry’s eyes fixed the artificial grass they were standing on.

‘’ I’m not kidding’’

‘’ Stop it Haz!’’ Louis said as he began to walk through the changing room.

‘’ Wait Louis! It really is it!’’

Louis stopped walking and turned around to face him.

‘’ What? Harry! Come on’ you can’t really asked me that! I’m on this team for three years! I’m the captain!’’ he pointed the ‘’C’’ attached to his jersey.

‘’ And you like it?’’

‘’ Yes!’’

‘’ What if you hadn’t scored any goal today?’’

‘’ That would not have happened! The other team sucked! You saw it yourself!’’

‘’ Louis, that’s not the point. You ‘’enjoyed’’ it just when everybody thinks you are good enough.’’

Louis glared at him.

‘’ I should have known that your little game was going to suck! You can’t tell me what to do with my life!’’

Harry sighed and shook his head.

‘’ That’s not the point. I just see how miserable you look when you play Louis, don’t tell me it’s always fun!’’

Louis gasped.

‘’ Miserable?! Exaggerating much? Nothing is always fun, Harry. Nothing! Especially not your stupid French class you took in extra this semester! If I ask you to drop it what would you do?’’

‘’ I like that class! I want to learn French.’’

‘’ And I like football you twat!’’

‘’ That’s not the point! It puts pressure on you!’’

‘’ For fuck’s sake, mum! Oh and I quit your little shitty game’’.

‘’ You can’t!’’

Louis stared angrily at him.

‘’ Watch me’’.

He quickened his pace until he reached the nearly deserted changing-room. Harry followed him and awkwardly stood against the lockers as a couple of Louis’ team mates changed outfits and laughed loudly with him. They ended up leaving, saying goodbye to Louis and glancing at Harry with threatening eyes. They could hear their rambling for a couple of minutes before Harry decided to lock the door. He let out a breath when he realized they were finally alone. Louis untied his shoes roughly making sure to avoid eye contact. Harry sat down next to him putting a hand on the nape of his neck trying to say something that will stop the awkwardness. But the fact was that Harry was indeed awkward and he chuckled at the fact he really thought Louis would do everything he would ask him to do. What an idiot.

‘’ What’s funny?’’ Louis said. 

Well, that was going to be humiliating.

‘’ Urm… I’m sorry about all this. Didn’t mean to control you or anything. I just didn’t want you to do stuff you don’t really like.’’

‘’ You don’t know…’’ Louis paused. ‘’I—I just can’t quit everything like that, even if I wanted to. That’s not how life works…’’

‘’ It could be if you wanted to’’ Really? Harry thought. Optimistic Harry just made a new appearance tonight, live from the changing-room.

‘’ No, Haz’’ Harry smiled at the nickname ‘’even though I really want it to be that way it’s more complicated. But I’ll think about it okay?’’

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it. He was genuinely surprised by the way Louis reacted.

‘’ You will?’’ Harry managed to say as he had to contain his smile to go broader.

‘’ Yes’’ Louis nodded and Harry couldn’t stop himself from hugging him. The couple of weeks between New Year and now had been pretty hectic for both of them. They had started a new semester, Harry took extra classes, Louis needed to learn a text for an audition and he had football practices and now games to top it all. They saw each others a couple of times but it was basically them and their school books; Harry helping Louis memorizing his lines or Louis helping Harry with French grammar. Harry had tried his best to make Louis laughed a lot during those times but sometimes he would ask about his illness. Louis always sighed in those moments and said that he’s fine. Harry wanted to believe him but he was scared. He didn't want to fail him. He didn’t want Louis to be anxious. He didn’t want Louis to count and he didn’t want Louis to cut ever again. Louis had promised to call him if it wasn’t going alright and in two weeks Harry hadn’t had any of those calls. He didn’t know if he had to be worry or relieve about it though. But now, he couldn’t help but stare at Louis. He was running a hand through his wet fringe, his cheeks were still pink from the physical effort. His chest was moving normally now but his jersey was sticking to his skin because of his sweat. His thighs seemed even more muscular as they poked from his football gear. Harry bit his lips unconsciously as he imagined his dick rubbing against them. It has been a long time since he had getting laid. But, he didn’t have time to blink before Louis was ripping open his shirt.

‘’ What are you doing?’’ Harry screamed, taking off guard.

‘’ You looked at me and you fucking bit your lip’’ Louis stripped from his own shirt and kissed him roughly. It was all tongues and teeth but Harry didn’t care. It felt so good, it has been so long. Louis groaned against his lips as his tongue wet them. Louis bent down and sucked on his neck roughly. Harry whined a bit and bucked his hips forward. Louis managed to push him against one of the shower wall. He knelt in front of Harry and unbuckled his belt and pushed open the button of his jeans.

‘’ Louis’’

‘’ I want you. Fuck, Harry, I want you so bad’’

Louis got Harry out of any clothing items he was wearing and threw them behind him. He kissed his thighs, biting hard on the smooth skin. Harry’s cock was already stiffening from the sight of Louis in front of him. The fact that they didn’t had any kind of sex since before Christmas and that Louis was so needy for his cock made Harry saw white. They hadn’t done anything because Harry didn’t want to put pressure on Louis after the New Year’s Eve event and he had waited for Louis to display any kind of interest. That, however, was pretty unexpected.

‘’ I thought you didn’t want me anymore.’’ He slowed down his pace, licking every bruises he left on his legs.

‘’ Fuck, Lou. That’s …’’ Harry used all his mental abilities to push Louis away. Louis sat on the tiles looking at him. His lips were pink from the action and his eyes were glassy and wide.

‘’ I wanted you to be okay with it, that’s all. I didn’t want to make you do stuff you didn’t want and after…’’ his gaze trailed to Louis arm.

Louis took his forearm and held it against his bare chest.

‘’ It’s almost gone now. I just didn’t want you to … see it.’’

‘’ Louis c’mere.’’ He took one of his hands to help him got up. ‘’ I don’t mind it one bit, you should have talk to me about it.’’

‘’ I’m sorry.'' He paused, resting his forehead on Harry's shoulder. ''I was so embarrassed. But… the way you look at me earlier, I just lost it’’ he kissed his collarbone. ‘’ And I just really, really want you now, Haz. I want your dick in my mouth. Let me do it.’’

‘’Sure?’’ He took Louis’ jaw in his hands and kissed him.

‘’ Fuck yes.’’ Louis took off his shorts, socks and boxer and started the water. He dragged Harry under it. Harry hissed at the hot temperature before adjusting it slightly. As soon as the water was less intense Louis got back on his knees and began to kiss Harry’s hipbones.

‘’ You know, I was thinking about it all the time’’ Louis rambled in-between kisses and bites. ‘’I was wondering how you tasted, how you would feel in my mouth’’ He grabbed roughly Harry’s cock in his hand and stroke it firmly. Harry groaned as a bit of pressure went away. ‘’ I was thinking about manhandling you. I know you like it, yeah?’’ Louis was still stroking him and Harry nodded quickly. ‘’ Two weeks without your hands on me was painful.’’ He kitten licked the head of his cock. ‘’So, so painful’’. Harry couldn’t believe what was happening in front of him. Louis wanted him as bad as he did. Harry moaned loudly as Louis kissed his cock. But he stopped his movements all of a sudden which made Harry whined. Louis looked at his cock like he wasn’t sure how to start. He lifted his eyes and looked at him through his wet eyelashes. Harry smiled at him and stroked his face with one hand as an encouragement. The fact that Louis could go from dirty talking about manhandling to looking that vulnerable in thirty seconds was completely surreal and fucking arousing. Louis nodded at him and pecked slow kisses all over Harry’s length. He teased the head of it with the tip of his tongue. He delicately wrapped his mouth around it.

‘’Lou—is.’’

He didn’t remember the last time he had head but it couldn’t be more reliving than Louis’ mouth on him at that right moment. It was hot and moist as he began to bob on him. Harry played with the hair on the back of Louis’ head following the movement it was doing. After a moment, Louis let him free.

‘’ Am I doing okay?’’

Harry was about to come undone.

‘’ Yes, babe. Fuck, so good.’’

Louis nodded and took him back, making sure to stroke the rest of his cock with one hand while the other was pinning him roughly on the shower wall. Harry felt his tongue swirled around him making odd patterns, experimenting what would produce more effect. Harry felt the beginning of his orgasm already building in his stomach.

‘’ Touch… Fuck Lou…’’

‘’ Touch what?’’ He asked genuinely curious about anything Harry might want. Harry took Louis’ hand that was resting on his hips and guided it to his butt cheeks. Louis nodded and blushed. He teased his rim a bit before pushing one finger into him. It was dry but it was all Harry needed to buck forward onto Louis’ mouth.

‘’ Sorry, sorry, sorry.’’ He patted Louis’ hair as the older lad bobbed more and more on his cock. He let him out again with a pop and stroked him lazily while slowly moving his finger in and out of him. Harry was shaking and he didn’t know how long his legs would be able to support him; he wasn’t really into sports after all.

‘’ Please, Harry, come on my face again. Like the first time. I really want you to come on m--.

And Harry came at that, without warning, shooting his load toward Louis lips and chin, watching him, mouth opened, trying to catch any drop of it. Louis took his finger out of his bum and Harry just slid down the wall.

‘’ Shit, Lou, it was so good. You were so good, babe. Fuck.’’

Louis smirked and run the water on his face. He was painfully hard; his cock was leaking and begging for attention. He rubbed his toned stomach, ghosting it, possibly waiting for Harry’s approval.

‘’ I want you to fuck me, Louis.’’ Harry blurred out still high from his orgasm. Louis’ smirk dropped a bit at that.

‘’ Urmmh…’’ He blushed.

‘’ Oh shit’’ Harry got up quickly, almost slipping on the wet tiles. ‘’ You are not ready. Shit. No pressure. Okay? It’s just … You are very … very beautiful and…’’ he kissed him softly ‘’ and I got carried away. Please don’t be mad… Please.’’

Louis laughed loudly and hugged Harry playfully.

‘’ It’s not that you silly’’ He got closed to his hear and whispered:

‘’ It’s been a while, you know and… you also know … I never done that before… and I don’t want to come too fast and I really, really want to come now so … yeah. Why not later after the movie with the boys? We will have all the time we need and even a bed, how awesome is that?’’

Harry laughed a bit from embarrassment.

‘’ I’m an idiot, isn’t it?’’

‘’ Yes, a big idiot you are!’’ Louis bit his earlobes and pressed down against him. Harry ended up giving him a messy handjob before they quickly showered and run to the dorm lounge to catch up with their friends, giggling like two school boys.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait but this is a first time chapter. We love them right?

The boys ended up watching one of the Batman films. Louis had already seen it many times and complained about it. «It was Liam's choice, not mine» Zayn had defended himself. It was harder to get mad at Liam since he didn’t know him that much and that he had a tendency to blush very easily. Since he had little interest in the action displaying on the screen he let his mind wandered. This wasn’t the best idea. He couldn’t believe he had agreed to have sex with Harry. He was torn between being excited and being very very self-conscious. Louis had that stupid conception that he wasn’t really gay until he would do that. It was completely idiotic and awful to think that but he spent twenty-two years of his life being told homosexuality was wrong. It was a defence mechanism. It wasn’t excusing anything but at least it comforted Louis in his fucked up thoughts process. He would never tell Harry that though because he truly didn’t deserve to hear how terrible Louis really was. Harry had already made an effort to show him that he knew him and accepted him with his flaws. Louis didn’t believe it but he wasn’t going to give him reasons to change his mind. He also kept his OCD symptoms to a minimum. He was still counting every single day but at least he hadn’t had another massive breakdown. It was way easier to hide that way. Sometimes Harry would catch him recounting and recounting how many lines of text he had to learn but Louis just couldn’t stop himself from doing it. If he didn’t do it, his anxiety would just build up and he would scared Harry off. He didn’t want Harry to leave. He has become his rock, the only stable thing in his life; he couldn’t lose it, not that far into it. And that was a big part why he accepted to have sex with him that night.

 

Zayn, Liam and Niall pretty much knew that something was going on between them. They just never talked about it and Louis was glad about that. So they didn’t flinch when Harry’s hand found his thigh and rested there. Louis, however, stayed still for a bit until Harry slowly stroked the spot where his palm was resting. Louis glanced over and Harry smiled softly at him. Louis hated the twist his heart made and forced himself to count each time the camera would change its angle. The film ended way more quickly than Louis expected and as the others gathered to put on the next one Harry told everyone that he was calling it a night and Louis had really no choice but to follow him.

‘’They all know what we are going to do now’’ he whispered as Harry put a hand on the small of his back to guide him.

‘’So what? I don’t care. Neither should you’’ It wasn’t an order more like a simple fact.

Louis nodded and focused on Harry’s hand on him. It was a simple gesture but it was literally burning him. He felt gaze from other students on him as they made their way to Harry’s room. He shouldn’t care because he didn’t know any of them, at least not really, but it was still so hard to do. His anxiety dropped as they entered the safety of the room. He was fine when it was just them and four walls.

 

Without any warning, Harry enveloped him in a hug and Louis melted into with. He didn’t remember the last time they properly hugged just for the heck of it. Harry smelled like cleaned clothes and Harry.

‘’Are you sure about this Lou? Because if you change your mind now or anytime during the night, it will be okay.’’

Louis had to do it; he needed Harry to stay.

‘’Yeah, I’m sure. I want it.’’

Harry tightened his hug and Louis moved his hands up and down Harry’s back.

«I’m gonna say it one last time; It won’t bother me if you change your mind. I want you to be comfortable with this. I know it’s a huge step for you and I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come and I really want you to enjoy this. And now I’m rambling and making things awkward. But yeah. That.»

Louis laughed from where his face was nuzzling in Harry’s neck.

‘’ I like… that. I like when you do that, think it’s funny’’. Harry pulled out from the hug and kissed Louis slowly on the mouth. It’s one of the rare types of kiss they exchanged. It’s slow, languishing and Louis absorbed all the feelings he got from it. They undressed themselves there, making sure to kiss again each time a new piece of clothing would touch the floor. They ended up both naked, standing there with only the moonlight watching over them. Harry lifted him and Louis secured himself with his legs around his waist. Harry laid him down on the bed and crawled on top of him. He broke the kiss and stared at him. Louis could see the fond in his eyes and even if a part of his mind didn’t know why, he chased it and let himself be desired. That’s when it hit him. Harry loved him. There was no other reason for him to stay than that. It was so obvious now that Louis thought about it, so obvious since that night he found him at his lowest. Harry wasn’t about to fuck with him, he was about to make love to him. And never in his life had someone done that. All the girls he had fucked with didn’t really love him. None of them knew who he was. None of them where looking at him like he was the purest thing they put their eyes on. And Louis never felt this vulnerable with any girl he fucked. He knew he was vulnerable because he… loved him too. He was dreaming about losing him because he got attached and he had feelings for him. And for now he just wanted to drown in them and never breathed again. He wanted to deal with the consequences later. All those conclusions were made up in his mind only and none of them worked there way out of his mouth. Trying to erase his thoughts, he turned them both around so he was on top of Harry. For all the things Harry did for him, tonight Louis wanted to make him felt good. He kissed his collarbone where they were already marked from their earlier make out session. He trailed down and took one of Harry’s nipples in his mouth and played with it. Harry run his hand through Louis’ hair and Louis heard his breath caught.

‘’I really want to make you feel good Haz’’ he mumbled as he kitten lick his second right nipple. ‘’ I really want you to feel good because of me’’.

‘’ You will, Lou.’’ He took his face in his hand and kissed him as softly as before. They were both already hard and their erections were brushing against each other’s thighs. ‘’No pressure, okay babe?’’ Louis nodded and trailed his hands along Harry’s torso. He kissed his tattoos there like he always loved to do. He was about to wrap his hand around his cock when Harry stopped him.

‘’ I want you to open me up, Lou’’ Harry breathed out ‘’I can’t wait, I need you to open me up, now’’. Louis nodded and sat back as he let Harry reached for the lube and condom in his nightstand. Harry must have noticed his little raise of anxiety because he reached for Louis’ arm and made him lied down on top of him again. He locked his eyes in his:

‘’ Stop worrying Louis, you’ll do fine. I will guide you okay? I’ll tell you how it feels okay?’’ He smiled at him and kissed his pinched lips.

Louis sat back on his laps and Harry spread his legs for him. He wrapped a hand around his cock and stroked it.

‘’ Fuck, Lou, can’t believe I’m gonna have your finger in me, uhg.’’

Louis delicately took his hand away from him.

‘’ No touching. I want to make you feel good just by myself’’

‘’ Yes, fuck.’’

Harry spread his legs wider; his chest was rising up and down quickly in anticipation. Louis slicked two of his fingers with lube and found Harry’s hole. He teased him a bit which made Harry whined and begged for more. He slowly inserted one finger inside and realized it was really easier with some lube than with only water from a shitty shower. He felt Harry clenching around him. He trusted it in and out a couple of times liking the way Harry seemed already wrecked because of him. He had another one without warning and Harry screamed.

‘’ Fuck. Lou. Are you sure you never done that before?’’

Louis laughed at that and Harry smirked at him from where he was lying. Louis bit Harry’s left tight.

‘’ Fuck I can’t wait for your cock babe’’ Harry continued. ‘’Separate your finger like this’’ Harry showed him a scissoring movement. ‘’Gotta opened me up more because if not I won’t be able to take all of you.’’ So Louis did and he smiled because Harry was doing everything to make him feel comfortable.

‘’Add another, babe’’ Harry indicated and Louis slicked another finger and added it to the others two. Harry was rocking on them now, cheeks flushed and hair falling on his forehead. Louis dick twitched at his eagerness. He leaned forward to kiss Harry’s hip and his fingers changed position inside of Harry.

‘’ There!’’ Harry cried. ‘’There baby, do that again, please’’. The nickname hit Louis right in the heart and he would do anything to make Harry say it again. He crooked his fingers again and Harry fisted the sheets with both hands.

‘’ I want you now, Louis, now, now!’’ He took his fingers out and Harry winced at the quick gesture.

‘’ Shit, I’m sorry, fuck I didn’t mean to, didn’t think it would hurt, I’m—‘’

‘’ Calm down Lou, it’s okay, I just want you in me now please.’’ Harry begged.

Louis wrapped the condom over himself and put more than enough lube on it and aligned himself with Harry’s rim. That was it. There was no coming back. This was the beginning of his acceptance. He pushed slowly in and groaned at the overwhelming feeling. He threw his head back and moaned. Harry locked his legs around him and pushed him in completely before pulling him for a kiss.

‘’ You are doing so great Lou, so great for me. You feel so big in me’’

‘’ You are so thigh, fuck’’

His rested his head on Harry’s shoulder as he trusted in and out in a painfully slow rhythm for a few minutes. He couldn’t go faster because he was going to come undone.

‘’ You are doing so good, baby, so so good. Your big cock just for me’’

Louis kissed him messily and whispered:

‘’ Say that again, Haz’’

‘’ Your big—‘’

‘’ Not that. Oh fuck’’ He felt his orgasm built in him already.

‘’ I’m already close, Haz.’’

‘’ It’s normal Louis, don’t worry. We will just have to do it again later. Ain’t… Fuck, there!.. that fun?’’.

He smirked at him and trusted back on him, sending fireworks in Louis’ body. He took Harry’s cock and stroked it alongside his pace. His eyes didn’t left Harry’s face, he was biting his lips so hard, Louis was afraid he hurt himself.

‘’ I’m close Louis’’ It made him slow down his pace and shook his head.

‘’No.’’ Louis managed, his breathing making it hard to speak. Harry opened his eyes, questioning.

‘’ What?’’

‘’ I want it… oh shit… to last longer’’

‘’ We’ll do it again later, I promise’’ Harry blinked at him finding it hard to keep his eyes opened.

‘’ Okay… Okay.’’ Louis took Harry’s cock again and pounced into him. Harry brought a hand to Louis face and stroked it gently.

‘’ Fuck, I’m close Lou. Do it harder. Give all you've got, I want to watch you come baby, please, please come for me baby’’

Louis gave a twist to his wrist and he felt Harry come as his walls clenched around him and sent him to the edge almost at the same time. Harry was panting heavily and brought Louis closer to him stroking his back slowly.

‘’ Stay inside of me for a bit okay? Just the time we calm down. I’m so proud of you Louis; you made me felt really good. It couldn’t have been better. I swear.’’ He kissed his shoulder and after a few minutes Louis pulled out and threw the condom in the bin. Harry opened his arms and waited until Louis wrapped himself around the taller boy. Harry kissed his hair and rubbed his back smoothly, the way Louis liked it.

‘’I’m not sure I have energy left for round two’’ Louis said in a whisper.

‘’ Me neither, so no worries, yeah?’’

‘’ No worries’’

They stayed like this for minutes but Louis couldn’t fall asleep, too worked up to embrace unconsciousness.

‘’ Are you sleeping, Lou?’’

‘’ No, I can’t sleep.’’

‘’ Why?’’

‘’ Too much stuff tonight’’

‘’ Okay stuff?’’

‘’ Okay stuff. But a lot of stuff’’

‘’I’m not sure to understand all this stuff’’

‘’ Are you mocking me?’’

‘’ This stuff is possible’’

Louis left his hand to hit him but he hasn’t any force left.

‘’ You are an idiot, you know that right?’’ he murmured instead, sleep finally slowly gaining him.

‘’ Yes, but your idiot right?’’

‘’ Mine.’’

And Louis’ foggy mind didn’t catch the implication of all this. He would deal with it tomorrow.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll summer this fic around 22 chapters (in here) which would make 20 parts total on my tumblr. I kinda want to move to another story even though I like this one. Will see!

There was something strange to wake up before the sunset and not being able to fall back asleep. It wasn’t a thing that Louis had experienced a lot in his past. But when he opened his eyes at 3:47 AM, he knew he wouldn’t be able to find unconsciousness again. He was lying on his back with one of Harry’s arm spread over his stomach. He turned his face to the left and let his sleepy eyes wandered over the boy next to him. His hair was all over the pillow and his mouth slightly opened, letting out soft whimpers. He shifted a bit in his sleep and he turned around, his back now facing Louis. His broad shoulders were moving alongside his agitated breathing. Louis put a tentative hand on Harry’s hip, running it slowly up and down his side, shooting him. Harry seemed to calm down and began to snore lightly. Louis took the opportunity to get up and go to the bathroom. He closed the door and run himself a bath. He added loads of bubble bath and sighed as the hot water surrounded his body.

 

He had sex with a boy. He had sex with Harry. It wasn’t just fooling around anymore, it was serious. And it was too fast. And Louis thought about when things had gotten this far, how he let himself go that much without realizing something was wrong. He tried to remember what his life was before Harry, before that first time he saw him in the coffee shop. He remembered not feeling anything, each day were passing by without any edge to it, without anything exciting happening. He thought about how he felt now that he was in his life. It was better and worse at the same time. Better because Louis was overwhelmed by emotions, they were hitting him hard, crushing him like tidal waves, making it hard to breathe and he was desperately trying to emerge at the surface of it all. It was so different from feeling numb or only worried all the time. And worse because with all these new emotions came a fear of losing it. What if Harry didn’t want to spend time with him? What if Harry returned with that guy from that New Years’ Eve party? What if Harry got in a car accident? What if Harry found him boring? What if Harry decided to leave the country? What if Harry left him for no reason at all? Louis felt his heart beat racing and he counted. The same old recital was going through his head. Numbers of tiles: 43. How many items were in the cabinet by heart? 16. Number of fish on that stupid shower curtain: 51.

‘’ Fuck’’ Louis muttered because all this wasn’t doing any good. His anxiety was just worse and worse by the minute. What if Zayn thought he was really a jerk and left him to be friend with Niall or Liam? What if Lottie didn’t talk to him anymore when she’ll learn he’s gay? What if one of the twins got sick? What if his mother rejected him like his father did? Louis breathed in and out heavily but nothing was doing it. Tears were slowly filling his eyes as he began to pinch his stomach. He managed to bruise his skin 62 times before Harry opened the door and Louis rubbed the tears out of his face. The shower curtain was hiding him but Louis felt his anxiety raised as Harry made his way to the toilet. Louis looked down at his stomach every inch red from the abuse. He could let Harry see that. He heard the toilet flushed and a sleepy voice emerged from behind the curtain.

‘’Do you want to come back to bed with me, Lou?’’

‘’Ye… Yeah. Gimme a towel please.’’

Louis got up after he emptied the bath and managed to grab the towel as soon as he opened the shower curtain putting it around him quickly. Harry’s sleepy mind didn’t catch anything but he frowned a bit at Louis’ face.

‘’ Your eyes are red’’

‘’ Got soap in them’’

Harry enveloped him in his arms and kissed his forehead.

‘’ You smelled so good’’ he whispered in his ear. ‘’ I love you’’.

Louis’ entire body froze. He wasn’t expecting that at all. He wasn’t expecting that the first time someone would tell him they loved him would be at four something in the morning, after he lied about a major anxiety crisis, in a tiny dorm bathroom. But it was out there and Harry was loosing up his grip and pulling out the hug. Louis needed to say something back but his mouth wasn’t moving. His brain refused to let his heart spoke up for once. He tried but failed. Like everything else in his life, he failed. But he wasn’t prepared for Harry to bit his lips and to swallow hardly, hurt clearly visible in his eyes. He closed them and turned around. Louis heard some drawers opening in the room, clothes being put on and door being closed. Harry had left him.

 

**

Louis sat on the bed until 5:51 AM. He counted every second until then. His stomach was burning from the pinching but worse he was scared. But he waited and counted. He also texted Zayn, which he hadn’t responded yet, but he was surely fast asleep and wouldn’t wake up until two more hours. Louis had a class at 9 AM and he had had exactly 3 hours and 29 minutes of sleep this night. He wanted to sleep but he couldn’t until Harry was back. He tried to text him but his phone was on the nightstand. So he waited and he counted until 5:51 AM when the door opened to show a red eyes Harry. He stopped in the door frame.

‘’ You are still here’’

‘’… Yes… I can go if you want me too…’’

Louis was about to get up when Harry spoke again.

‘’ No, it’s ok. But I’m really tired, so let’s sleep.’’

‘’ Where were you?’’

‘’ Liam’s room’’

‘’ Why?’’

Harry shrugged and proceeded to take off his shirt and his trousers. He passed beside Louis and went under the sheets. Louis was still sitting on the end off the bed unable to move, he needed to say something but he couldn’t.

‘’ Forget everything I said earlier okay?’’ Harry instructed and he patted the other side of the bed where Louis finally slid in. His heart twisted because Harry was regretting what he said. He regretted telling him he was in love with him. Which meant Louis scared him off. Which meant Louis wasn’t good enough for him.

‘’ Okay.’’

They fall asleep on each side of the bed.

 

**

Two weeks later, Harry stumbled in Niall’s room in desperate need to get drunk. It was Friday night and his birthday. He hadn’t seen Louis since that night where they had sex. Harry knew he screwed up everything by getting emotionally invested. It was the same thing that happened with Nick. He was better off it when he still had his heart intact. So they texted each other casual things and Harry had declined every invitation from Louis. Louis stopped asking after a few refusals. Tonight he was going to find a cute dude and hooked up. But he needed the booze to be able to do that.

‘’ Mate, I got beer enough for you to forget you are twenty’’ Niall answered him while throwing a can at him. Harry popped it open and drank a big gulp of it.

‘’ I can’t believe Liam worked tonight!’’ Harry complained while sitting on the bed. He threw on the ground some clothes.

‘’ He’ll have us free booze! And his shift will be done by one, the night will still be young! And you know the birthday rule anyway.’’

‘’ No sleep until the sun is up or until we passed out, I know’’ Harry recited.

They settled in silence, sipping their beer.

‘’ Haz…’’

Harry looked up from his phone to stare at his friend.

‘’ Do you think it’s okay if… If I ask Zayn to come with us tonight… I’ll make sure Louis isn’t coming though’’

Harry shrugged.

‘’ Don’t care.’’

Harry hadn’t really told Niall what happened even though he was sure Liam made a brief summary of the situation. They were both aware of Harry’s feelings toward relationships and they supported him no matter what.

‘’ We’re gonna be so fucked!’’ Niall cheered before chocking his beer down.

 

**

 

They were fucked. It was almost three AM and Niall and Zayn were making out on the dance floor. Liam was on his five shots from that girl tummy and Harry had lost his shirt. He asked about half the people still in the bar if they have seen it. They hadn’t. Harry wanted to find a guy who would want to bite his collarbone, or his neck, either would be nice. But the population there was so straight it was completely hopeless. He thought of asking Liam but that might be weird. Maybe he wasn’t that drunk yet.

‘’ Gon get booz.’’ He mumbled to Liam, stumbling to the bar and leaning on top of it.

‘’ I want booz’’ He screamed pointing a finger to the different bottles displayed.

‘’ I bet you do’’ the very sober bartender answered him. ‘’ You’re Liam’s friend right?’’

Harry nodded quickly.

‘’ Mah birthday? Free booz?’’ he tried to bat his eyelashes in a seductive way but the guy just laugh at him.

‘’ You are so drunk mate! What do you want?’’

‘’ Booze!!’’

He ended up giving him a colourful drink with a little umbrella in it and Harry smiled wildly at him and blew him a kiss before heading back to Liam. He was now kissing the tummy shots girl. Harry sighed.

‘’ Fuckin’ bullshit imma birthday and ain’t no one for my dick, bullcrap’’ he mumbled at himself as he sipped on the straw of his drink and looked around the bar. Zayn was grasping Niall’s butt and grinding on him. Harry shook his head and took his phone out. That’s what you do when you don’t have any friends in state to stop you.

 

Meh dick is lonly.

You’re drunk.

Cleverrr.

I’m sure someone is up to help you with that. Good night.

Imma ask Zeyn to touch it.

 

He stared at his phone during a long time but Louis didn’t answer back. He put it back in his pocket. He wasn’t going to get sad on his birthday. He stumbled directly to Zayn and Niall and took Zayn’s arm.

‘’ Make out with me too. It’s my birthday’’ His tongue was heavy in his mouth.

‘’ What?!’’

‘’ No one want to make out with me’’ Harry whined, putting a hand on Zayn’s hip.

‘’ Harry, I can’t…’’

He knew it was stupid but he was about to cry. He felt his eyes tearing up and looked at the floor. He was so tired of getting rejected over and over again. It was enough that Louis wasn’t in love with him even after Harry poured his feelings all over him; he didn’t need to be rejected for a simple make-out session. It was all he had left. He felt a hand on the nape of his neck and when he looked up he felt tentative lips on his. It tasted beer and mint. He gasped in surprised when he realized it was Niall, slipping his other hand on the small of his back, pushing him toward his body. Harry groaned and opened his mouth to brush his tongue against his friend lips. When they didn’t open for him, Harry pulled back and frowned. Niall looked at him, brilliant eyes and red cheeks, gesturing something about Zayn and left him there, alone. Harry grabbed a little red hair girl and pushed his tongue down her throat.

 

**

Louis woke up in a surprise when he heard loud banging at the door. It took several minutes of constantly knocking sounds to force himself up. When he finally opened the door, Harry pushed him with all the force he had (which wasn’t a lot) and closed the door with one foot.

‘’ Bite my collarbone’’ he assigned, wrapping himself around the tiny body in front of him.

‘’ Fuck off’’ Louis pushed him and he felt on the floor, his head heading against the wall in a loud noise.

‘’ Owwww!’’

A bit of guilt crept in his stomach but went away as he realized how drunk Harry was.

‘’ Go away Harry.’’ He managed to say more calmly, climbing back on bed and closing his eyes. He wasn’t going to acknowledge him when he completely ignored him for the last two weeks. He was tired of the hide and seeks games. And he was drunk as fuck. Harry wasn’t ready to stay with him and probably never would. It was better that way Louis thought even if his anxiety was at his worse since the last two weeks. After a few minutes, he couldn’t help but looked out from where Harry has landed. He was sitting against the wall, his head lolling.

‘’ Don’t puke on my floor, you idiot.’’

‘’ I won’t Lou. I’m just sad.’’

Louis didn’t reply and lied back again, even if he knew for sure he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He scratched his forearm. When the urge to cut was back (which seemed to always be since that night), he would usually scratch or pinch his skin. The effects were the same but no marks were left. It was only another secret to add to the list.

‘’ I miss you Lou’’

‘’ Don’t call me that.’’

‘’ It’s not my fault if you don’t love me back’’

Louis scratched his skin harder but the release didn’t come. He loved Harry, he really did. But he couldn’t stand the fact that he would leave again sooner or later.

‘’ You always leave anyway’’.

‘’ Sorry’’

And a slow snoring was heard as Harry fell asleep leaning on the door frame. Louis didn't sleep for the rest of the night.


	19. Chapter 19

Louis woke up to the sun shining through his curtains. He groaned and buried his face under his pillow. He hated the sun but most of all he hated sunny mornings. He was lucky his skin was capturing any ray of it because it was impossible for him to lay under it just to make his skin golden. It was all by luck. Probably the only one he had. After several minutes, he sat down and found his room empty with absolutely no trace of Harry. He was glad because he wasn’t sure he would have been able to tolerate an awkward hangover on his behalf. This whole thing was completely ridiculous and he needed more sleep. Zayn. Zayn had perfectly opaque curtains. He grabbed his pillow and comforter and made his way to Zayn’s room. He opened the door (which as always was unlock) and his sleepy mind made his way to the right side of the bed (Zayn was always sleeping on the left side) but as he sat on it he heard a complain.

‘’ Fuck off, Zayn.’’ the undeniable accent made his way to Louis’ ear.

‘’ What the fuck?’’ Louis muttered as he realized Niall was in the same bed as Zayn. He made his way to the couch, hoping for a desperate rest, when he bumped onto someone else.

‘’ You’ve gotta be kidding’’

The person woke from its slumber and sat down.

‘’ Who’s this?’’

Louis sighed. Of. Fucking. Course.

‘’ Louis.’’

‘’ Oh.’’ Harry said. ‘’What are you doing here?’’

‘’ Trying to find a place to sleep, but it looks like Zayn had a slumber party last night and that I wasn’t invited.’’ He was trying to be funny but the harsh tone of his voice didn’t make it very obvious.

‘’ It’s a sunny day?’’ Harry asked.

Louis’ heart twisted. Harry didn’t have the right to know these things. He shouldn’t know that. And his voice shouldn’t sound so raspy. Louis didn’t respond and made his way back to the door not without tripping over some shoes. He cursed under his breath until he was in his room.

‘’ Fucking Harry shit. Now he will be everywhere. He can’t leave me alone. If he doesn’t want me why is he always around?’’ Louis thought while considering the idea of sleeping on his bathroom floor, at least it will be dark enough with the door closed.

‘’ Louis.’’

‘’ You know I could start rumours about you being a stalker because seriously, it’s getting old.’’ 

‘’ Louis’’

‘’ What is your fucking problem mate?! I get it, you don’t want to spend time with me anymore so why are you here?! Since I’ve known you it’s only that. One of us will always leave Harry, always. You may think that it will work, but I can’t stand to be on edge all the time. So please, fuck off, and leave me alone. And Zayn too for the matter.’’

Harry bit his lips (the bastard) and his gaze filled with tears. He twisted his hands like a five years old caught doing a bad thing. Louis hated him.

‘’ I’m scared too, you know’’.

Louis closed his eyes. It was too early for that. It was way too early for a sad Harry. It was done. Done.

‘’ Leave.’’

‘’Lou’’

‘’ I said to FUCKING LEAVE’’ he rushed toward him and took one of his wrist pushing him in the direction of the door. But all Harry managed to do is to scoop him into a hug and to bury his head in the crook of his neck.

‘’ Leave me alone!’’ Louis tried to get out of the embrace by dragging his nails onto Harry’s back. He earned a fainted moan and a tense body. Louis felt Harry’s cock swelling against his bare thigh.

‘’ You are kidding me right?’’

Harry shook his head, still buried in his skin. He felt one of Harry’s hands travelling down his back and grasping his bum. Louis lifted Harry’s shirt, leaving him in brief only. As soon as he was bare chest he clenched his body against Louis’ again.

‘’ It’s your last fucking chance, do you get it?’’

‘’ Yes’’ Harry mumbled, his hands now reaching underneath Louis’ underwear palming him roughly.

Louis managed to push him onto the mattress and climb over him. He kissed him deep and hard, trying to make him realize how of a mistake it was. He rubbed on him with force pinning him down onto the mattress.

‘’ Don’t ever leave again’’ Louis muttered against Harry’s mouth as he let his hand travelled underneath his brief.

‘’ I’m sorry.’’ And his eyes weren’t as dark anymore and there was the same aspect to it that the night they fucked for the first time.

Louis tugged at Harry’s boxer and stripped from his own clothes. He quickly climbed over Harry again, getting his nail to scratch the other boy’s torso.

‘’ Lou-‘’

‘’ I’ve got this’’ He bite Harry’s neck which made Harry jerked and Louis felt his big hands stroking his back up and down.

They made out for what felt like hours and Louis had almost said ‘’ I love you’’ eight times. He was the one to break the kiss and reached to grab a condom and lube. Harry was looking at him, pink cheeks and red lips pulling into his teeth. Louis was in love with an idiot. He tossed the lube onto Harry’s stomach.

‘’ Put it on your fingers’’ he demanded as he climbed over Harry again.

‘’ Lou, I won’t be able to opened myself up if you are standing up there’’

‘’ I know you silly, that’s why you are going to open me up’’

‘’ What, L-‘’

‘’ Harry, will you shut up and stick your fingers in me? I think I’ve waited long enough’’

So Harry opened him up slowly and carefully and it didn’t feel as strange as Louis thought it would be and of course it felt good after a couple of minutes. When Louis put a condom over Harry’s dick and added lube over it, Harry closed his eyes from pure bliss. When Louis sank down slowly on it, he squeezed Harry’s biceps just enough for him to shiver under the touch. Harry opened his eyes as soon as Louis began to move. Neither of them broke the contact. Louis came first with very little help and Harry finished the job with four more pushes. When they were clean and tired, the rain started pouring making his room darker by the grey sky.

‘’ I’m happy’’ Louis murmured against Harry’s neck. ‘’ But I’m scared’’ he thought.

‘’ I’m sorry Louis, I really am’’

‘’ I know.’’ A beat passed. ‘’ I love you ’’.

He held his breath for 23 seconds before he felt something wet against his forehead. He looked up to see Harry rubbing his eyes, trying to hide under the duvet.

‘’ Haz, what’s wrong?’’

‘’ Nothing’’

‘’ You wet my forehead with tears, I know salty water is supposed to be good for the skin, but I think I’m okay without it on my face for at least a couple of years.’’

Harry giggled through his watery eyes.

‘’ I just don’t have a good reason to cry.’’

‘’ What? Harry. There isn’t a good reason to cry.’’

‘’ You have good reason to cry, I can’t cry in front of you, it’s unfair.’’

‘’ Of course you can, Harry why did you think that?’’

‘’ I need to be strong to help you out.’’

‘’ Fuck Harry, you absolutely don’t have to do that.’’

They were silent for a bit, Louis rubbing off Harry’s tears with his finger and his lips.

‘’ I didn’t mean it, you know’’

‘’ What?’’

‘’ When I say to forget about the fact that I said I love you’’

‘’ I know’’

‘’ Because I do love you, a lot, but I’m scared.’’

‘’ … of me?’’

‘’ Christ! Lou, no, not of you. I’m scared of losing you’’

And Louis realized that Harry has the same fear as him. That may be he was dealing with it a different way from Louis obsessive behaviour but it was still there, always there.

‘’ I’m not better you know. I still hurt myself sometimes.’’

‘’ I know babe. I just didn’t know what to do about it’’.

‘’ I just want you to be there.’’

‘’ I won’t ever leave unless you want me too’’

Harry clenched to him and a sweet silence followed. It was soon enough broke by Harry:

‘’ I’m now a koala bear.’’

He made a weird noise, supposedly the sound of a koala.

‘’ Let’s sleep a bit Haz, yeah?’’

‘’ You mean, Mister Koala?’’

‘’ You are such an idiot’’ but Louis giggled and nodded either way.

‘’ But I’m your idiot, right?’’

‘’ Mine.’’

 

**

Zayn woke up with a thin arm curled around his belly. He looked down to meet blue eyes already opened and wide awake. Niall smiled shyly and kissed his torso. It was new for Zayn, but at the same time it felt like it was only natural. It wasn’t awkward, it was only him and Niall and skin and maybe feelings, definitely feelings. But it was new and beautiful and happy. Niall was always smiling and it wasn’t something Zayn was used to in someone. He thought that it would have been something he would be annoyed by, but finding glee in blue eyes instead of sadness was so different that Zayn can’t stop himself from embracing it. It’s not complicated, it’s carefree and it felt like he was fifteen again.

‘’ I don’t remember last night’’ Niall said rubbing his face against Zayn’s side.

‘’ You kissed Harry.’’ Zayn laughed.

‘’ Oh shit. I do remember that.’’

‘’ And you came running for me, apologizing and offering me beers in compensation. You also talked about blowjobs.’’

‘’ Wow, I’m good in negotiations’’

‘’ Well, I still haven’t got any mouth on my willy.’’

‘’ Oops. But I hadn’t signed anything right?’’

‘’ Damn it, you are a swindler’’

‘’ Hey, that’s how I rolled.’’

They laughed and around five in the afternoon they showered slowly together, while getting each other off. They ordered pizza and watched t.v. before Niall said it was maybe time for him to go to his dorm.

‘’ Stay the night?’’ Zayn asked while putting a pop-corn into his mouth.

Niall shrugged and lied his head on Zayn’s lap. The older boy took his snapback off (he was wearing that think all the time. It was absolutely cute though) and stroked his hair.

‘’ Mmmsleepy’’ Niall said tracing patterns on Zayn knee.

‘’ I know, just sleep here, I’ll wake you up when the show is over to go to bed.’’

‘’ I don’t want to walk all the way over there.’’ Niall complained while lifting one arm in direction of the bed.

‘’ It’s 3 meters away’’

‘’ It’s far.’’

‘’ I’ll carry you’’

‘’ Not strong enough’’

‘’ I’ll push you on the floor then’’

‘’ Still a less high fall than from your skinny arms’’

‘’ You can’t talk about my skinny arms, yours and mines are the same size’’

‘’ Not sure about that’’

‘’ We’ll compare tomorrow.’’

‘’ Okay, sounds like a plan’’

Niall slowly dozed off as Zayn cellphone flashed open. It was a text from Liam.

 

‘’Have you seen my friends?!’’

‘’ I’ve seen myself in the mirror around 5 pm, Niall and Harry slept in my dorm. Harry is nowhere to be found but Niall is still here.’’

‘’ He doesn’t answer his phone.’’

‘’ He sleeps.’’

‘’ Oh. Haz must be with Louis right?’’

‘’ I’ll bet on it ;) Do you wanna hang out tomorrow with the lads?’’

‘’ I can’t tomorrow. I have a date with Fiona.’’

‘’ Shots’ girl?’’

‘’ Oh god, she will never be able to have another name right?’’

‘’ You know me so well’’

 

Zayn smiled at his phone as he pocketed it back. It felt like life was slowly making sense again.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see, I had a bit of a writer block. I decided that this would be the last chapter and then it will have an epilogue. That fic was written for my own pleasure and I try to improve my english skills. I really want to write a long oneshot after this. Thank’s to people who read this.

Louis slammed the door of his dorm with anger and buried his face in his pillow. Everything was wrong. He failed. Among all the things Louis wasn’t good enough at, he just added acting. It was the only thing he could get confidence from. His audition for the theatre company was a total disaster. He had tripped over his words and had blushed when he needed to kiss the other lead role. Louis sighed. He needed to talk to Zayn right now. But tonight he was with Niall. He had talked about it all week and Louis didn’t want to ruin it for him. His relationship with Zayn was still on the edge since Louis had flipped out over him. He couldn’t risk it again. So he called Harry. Sweet little Harry. Since the last month in which they have gotten back together he had always been there. Louis was still scared to be a burden so he wasn’t his first choice of person when he was sad. He tried to call but got the voice mail. He threw his phone at the end of the bed without saying anything. He fought back his tears and hold up his breath. He pushed his hands under the pillow to bury his head further in but they ruffled against rough paper. He took the pages out and turned around to lay on his back. It was multiple pages handwritten in tiny little black inked letters: Harry’s handwriting. Louis smiled softly and his heart speeded up. Even when Harry wasn’t physically there, he was still there. The last month had been Louis having anxiety and Harry shooting him down with sweet whispers and hugs that never ended. And now Louis was having anxiety without being able to access Harry’s comfort and the younger boy still managed to be there for him: planned or not. He unfolded the papers which have written To Louis on it. Harry was so formal in everything, it made Louis smiled wider. He began to read:

 

_Dear Lou,_

 

_I hope you are reading this after your audition because that’s when I wanted you to find it. You must have just come back and forgot that I had my French test tonight. I can’t wait to come back to your dorm and kiss you all the pride I have for you. You are such a wonderful actor and artist and it’s not your favourite blue shirt (that I am sure you are wearing right now) that makes your talent. You have it bury in your flesh, in your soul. It doesn’t matter if you had forgot a line or tripped over your words, because you would have make it look like it was scripted that way. I can’t wait to kiss you, Lou. I just can’t wait and it’s only been twelve hours since I’ve seen you. I am so grateful for the love you let me have from you. When I think about you, I think about growing to be a better person. We both know it’s hard to give your entire trust to someone but Louis you have mine now. I never told you this but I never gave it to anybody but you. You care about me in a way that isn’t always healthy, Lou, but the fact that you’ll do anything to keep me, to love me the way I am, even though I left you too often, even though I tend to be obnoxious and it's all I need stay. And I want to help you and I’m sure you are already thinking that you don’t need help, babe, but you do and if you just need me to reassure you every day for the rest of our lives, I will._

 

_I’ve make this list in my French class the other day. It’s called Les choses que j’aime chez toi (the things I love about you)_

_1\. J’aime tes yeux quand tu me regarde (I love your eyes when you look at me)_

_2\. J’aime la façon dont tu souris même si ce que je viens de dire n’est pas drôle du tout (I love the way you smile even though what I just said isn’t funny at all)_

_3\. J’aime le fait que ton cœur est assez grand pour ta famille, Zayn et maintenant moi (I love the fact that your heart is big enough for your family, Zayn and now me)._

_4\. J’aime le fait que tu es devenu plus fort (I love the fact that you became stronger)_

_5\. J’aime que tu as besoin de moi (I love that you need me)_

_6\. J’aime comment tu embrasses mon front (I love the way you kiss my forehead)_

_7\. J’aime ton nez (I love you nose)_

_8\. J’aime ton humour (I love your sense of humour)_

_9\. J’aime le fait que je ne peux pas penser à une seule chose que je n’aime pas chez toi (I love that I can’t think of one thing I dislike about you)_

_10\. J’aime le fait que tu dois probablement rouler des yeux parce que tu trouves cette liste trop quétaine. Je m’en fous. (I love the fact that you are probably rolling your eyes right now because this is all too cheesy. I don’t care)._

 

_All this has never been so true,_

_Lots of love,_

_Harry._

 

Louis shook his head. Harry was an idiot. But a fucking cute idiot and Louis head was so wrapped around the idea of having him near all the time that all of this relationship thing felt completely normal now. He was gay; he was in love with someone. He was in love with Harry and he let him took care of him and he cared about him as well. Yes, it might be scary but it was worth the risk.

 

He wiped the few tears remaining on his cheeks (he was such a sucker), fold the letter neatly and grabbed a pillow to hug. If he would let himself admit it, he just couldn’t wait to kiss harry either. But Harry wasn’t there yet and Louis heart was pumping heavily in his chest with anticipation. He needed to touch him so badly, to feel him, to hug him and told him how wonderful he was because not enough people had done that. Louis was the first guilty of that mistake. He needed to correct that.

 

He grabbed a pen from his desk and printer paper since it was all he had. It wasn’t fancy like Harry’s letter paper but it would do the work. He plugged his mp3 in and settled on some Indie music Harry had sneaked on it. Louis has grown to like it. He crossed his legs Indian style and sighed. A tea would have been great but he had none. He shook his head. Focus, Tomlinson, focus. He put the pen on the paper which was supported by a history book and stopped over thinking. His hand almost moved by itself.

 

_Dear Harry_

 

_I don’t even know how I am going to be able to do justice to your letter. I don’t think you would have realised how much I needed it at that exact moment. You surprised me everyday, Haz. I love you so much I can’t even think about it without feeling numb and happy. I still can’t understand the fact that you are mine, all mine, only mine. My words aren’t good enough babe, so not good enough for how you make me feel safe. Damn, you are perfect even if you listen to music that used to drive me mad, now it reminds me of you. You are perfect even if you can be a tease, I have grown to love the anticipation of waiting. You are perfect with the way you look like a toddler when I make you laugh. It just make me what to hug you like the little koala bear you think you are. But then you’ll look at me with eyes that seemed to scream that I am the fittest person you have ever seen and you’ll put your abs and torso right up my face and be able to turn me on without even trying. The fact that you can go from one extreme to another should be disturbing but it’s just perfect and so right because it’s you. Okay, now it’s my cheesy part. I’ll never thought I’d be the cheesy kind. I wasn’t even able to write an essay on love before you Haz. And now, I’m sure I could write it a lot more genuinely because of you. I’m so in love with you Harry and I’m almost not afraid of it anymore. You know it will take time for me to accept all this a 100% but I’ll try because of you and the fact that you are always there. I have grown and I’m able to accept your love babe. End of the cheesy part aka that whole letter._

 

_Love, xxxx_

 

_Louis_

 

_P.S. Oh, and I can’t wait to kiss you too._

 

As Louis put the pen down he looked up and saw the door opened to let Harry in and everything was fine.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of it all. That story was really for me an experiment, trying to write in English while it's not my language. I rushed the end because I'm just ready to pass to another story which I have already begin. I'll never write as a WIP because I felt too pressure to post even though not that many people were reading. I just want to thank all the people that read that fic and appreciated it. You survive the not so great writing skills of a beginner. Thank you.

Three months later, it’s the end of University for Louis and Zayn. Both of their families came to Manchester to congratulate them. For Louis, it’s only his mum and Lottie but it’s enough for him. They hugged their pride and they all went to the restaurant to celebrate. At first, it was only suppose to be Zayn, Louis and their families but Niall and Harry tagged along. That night just before they parted way, Louis revealed to his mum that Harry was his boyfriend. He quickly whispered it in her ear as she kissed him goodbye. She froze and left him there without another word. Lottie shrugged her wondering, kissed him on the cheek and followed their mum to the car. Harry was already back to his dorm to finish packing. He was leaving for Holmes Chapel the next day and promised to come help both Zayn and Louis to move into the little flat they finally found a week prior. Louis’ heart hurt at the idea of being alone after getting rejected by his own mother. It was just another failure to add to his list. It wasn’t surprising that he relapsed that night. And after that he tried to hide it from Harry but of course it wasn’t possible. When he found out they were in bed two weeks later, after two intense days of moving. It was their first time together since graduation and of course harry was all over him, it was only natural. And Louis couldn’t hide his forearm from view any longer. Harry saw the barely fainted scars and Louis pushed him away to hide his embarrassment. The last thing he wanted was to disappoint Harry. But when he saw them, he didn’t look upset. He just ran a careful finger over them and hugged him tightly. He asked him if he wanted to talk about it but Louis shook his head and Harry nuzzled on the nape of his neck and whispered ‘’I love you’’ over and over again. They fell asleep holding onto each other.

 

Two years later

 

Louis rushed out from his shrink appointment. He was so late. Harry told him to meet him at their restaurant at half past noon and it was already one. He was out of breath as he pushed the familiar door.

‘’ Lou!’’ Harry waved at him from the table they always sat at.

‘’ I’m… sorry… Dr. Miller had to delay… my… appointment. Forgot my phone at home’’.

‘’ It’s okay babe. Don’t worry. Sit down’’

His tone wasn’t natural; the constant hint of joy wasn’t there. Breathe in and out Louis, in and out.

‘’ It’s okay, Louis.’’ Harry repeated as he took his hand in his.

‘’ Something if off’’ Louis said softly. ‘’ I know you Hazza’’

Harry dropped his gaze on the table.

‘’ I got an internship’’

Louis smiled broadly and squeezed his hands.

‘’ Of course you did baby! Why aren’t you more happy about it?’’

‘’ It’s far.’’

‘’ London? We can make it work’’

Harry shook his head.

‘’ Where?’’

‘’ Paris’’

He said it with the perfect French accent. Louis felt the corner of his lips slowly turning up.

‘’ That’s fantastic’’

‘’ Yeah?’’

‘’ Of course, Haz’’

‘’ But… you and I?’’

‘’ We’ll work it out’’

 

**

 

They didn’t. Five months after Harry had left; they had an awful break-up over the phone. Louis always felt like he was restraining Harry from being himself so he pretended wanting to end it all. It took a whole year after that before he was able to kiss another boy and when he did his drunken mind just screamed to him how it didn’t taste like Harry and how it was too rough and not enough sweet. It took him two years, six months and three days after that kiss to have sex with another man. It was great; it felt good and may be he would finally be able to move on.

 

Harry called him for his birthday that year. ‘’ I’m coming back’’ is all Louis heard.

 

Their reunion wasn’t like Louis had imagined it. They weren’t alone because of course all the lads had come. Harry had too many stories to tell and searched his words too often.

‘’ I lost my English, c’est pas croyable right?’’

Louis sipped on his rum and coke and wished the waitress made it stronger. Harry just wasn’t the same. But he wasn’t either.

 

**

 

Louis ran into Harry more often that he wanted too. After a few times, Harry asked him if he wanted to go grab a cup of tea somewhere. Louis couldn’t help but asked if it was a date and Harry nodded shyly. They never really had done dates before. They kissed and cuddled and then they talked and giggled but they didn’t do dates. Louis accepted and Harry kissed him before leaving him that night. Harry had blushed and nuzzled in his neck and it was warm and familiar.

‘’ Give us a second chance Louis’’ Harry whispered onto his skin.

Louis didn’t let a heart beat pass before saying yes.

 

**

 

‘’Monsieur Tomlinson, are you ready?’’

‘’ Yes. Yes, I am.’’

‘’ Come with me then’’

 

All of this wasn’t cheesy or stereotypical. It felt like the right thing to do at that time being. Harry needed a haircut and he played nervously with his hands under the stare of the few people in front of them. Louis crossed the few steps separating them and linked their fingers together.

‘’ I’m ready’’ he told Harry.

Harry smiled and hooked his eyes in the blue of his.

‘’ I’m ready’’

The French man spoke, his accent thick under his enthusiasm.

‘’ Monsieur Tomlinson and Monsieur Styles, for the first time in the history of France I’m honoured to be here to marry two English men under the law of this country…’’

And at that moment it was only Harry, just Harry, nothing but Harry as he whispered:

‘’ For the first time, Lou’’

‘’ Yes. The first time.’’

 

The End.


End file.
